I've never had the nerve to call my self "normal". I fully believe that "normal" is relative - but even in a relative sense, I'm probably still considered more bat sh*t crazy than even remotely normal.
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| Yes, follow your 9 year old leader |
I blame my early childhood & unbroken life patterns for my psychosis.
As a child, I was left alone quite often. Not totally alone, I had my 2 little brothers to attend to. (not better) I had no choice but to get tough and be the strong one. To figure stuff out.
If I was afraid, which I was all the time, I had to pretend to not be scared so my brothers weren't scared. I had to take the lead and to be an example.
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| Ok, Yes I am. |
Can you even begin to imagine the type of example a 9 year old me, with no example, had on 2 little ones?
After I got over all that, people started dying on me. Not just random people - key people; My dad, my first love, friends. This threw me into a tizzy. I started clinging to everyone. Stopped ending toxic relationships that should have ended, because I believed those people just needed to know they were loved - and we know I want to save the world. I'd never let go of anyone EVER.
I was over the top.
This death stuff created the NEED in me to make sure that people knew how special and important I thought they were.
Even these days I try to stay in touch on a regular basis. If I lose touch with someone (could they be hiding from me??? Hmmmm)
I reach out, just to say hi.
No, I don't want to keep you forever & wear you like last year's Versace, I just want to say hi and I haven't forgotten you.
One day, I sat back and started looking at my behaviors and thought WOW - that could be thought of as, well - creepy!
Am I a creeper?? Am I a stalker?? I like to browse Facebook pages...
Happily, after looking up those two definitions - I am NOT either of those (whew). I
Here I think I'm just being Susie Sunshine & Happiness brightening the lives of those around me, when really people are thinking - "Oh Crap, here she comes. What's up with that stupid grin on her face?? Is she going to come bouncing over here.. Ahh, yes she is.... Quick - look busy..."
Really, I'm being a bit tongue in cheek. I have a lot more confidence & self esteem than I portray here. Sadly, portions of this are true, or at least were at one time in my life. Well maybe a few more times than once. I do carry a lot of this stuff around with me. I've just learned to tone it down some.
My brother's best friend, Pete, used to refer to me as "overly friendly" - that's about right, I suppose. I'd much rather be thought of as a little crazy and an overly friendly goof ball than a downright nasty you know what...
I will most likely ALWAYS bounce over to you squirting sunshine & happiness whether I just saw you yesterday or I haven't seen you in 20 years.
Is it a little goofy and off the wall, yeah probably - will that stop me? Nope.
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| Why, thank you! |
I am obsessively in love with my friends. I want to keep you close to me forever and ever. Just not like last year's Versace.... Get it? Good!
And then I will tone it down and go about my merry little way.
Thank you for reading today's psychosis.
Have a fabulous day!
~Jenn
See, THIS is what writer's block does to me...
It makes crazy, what the heck did I just read blogs...Aren't you glad you stopped by?
Nice. I bet you had your brothers over a barrel too. I'm the oldest with a younger sister and brother and I was able to wrap them around my little finger sometimes. And my sister was the instigator.
ReplyDeleteDeath is hard to deal with. I didn't know death too much as a kid, but after getting married and having one child, death started hitting us in spades. My mom and about eight or nine other people. All my grandparents are gone. End of an era.
I know exactly what you are talking about by over compensating!
ReplyDeleteI liked it when you bounced on over to us on Sunday! Love that smile, keep on bouncing Jenn!
ReplyDeleteAwesome! Yes, I AM glad I stopped by!
ReplyDeleteNew follower stopping by from the Blog Hop! Think of it positively--at least you keep in touch with people. I've noticed that as "we" get older and the more kids we all have, people don't stay in touch as much. Everyone has something else going on and we all get distracted; at least you make an effort to keep in contact!
ReplyDelete