Total Pageviews

Monday, June 11, 2012

Let's Talk Taboo....

If you're looking for a funny post, this isn't going to be one.

I half thought about trying to find a picture of a man with a horse saddle on & a woman wearing spurs to get your attention, but the fact is - this taboo is one that's near and dear to my heart.  One that shouldn't be perpetuated and one that happened to ME.
No it's Not!


Yes, this HAPPENED TO ME not once, but twice.

It doesn't matter that I'm among the living - it's the living part that hurts.  The living with the pain of the loss, the confusion and the guilt.  For those who've left us - their pain is gone.

They may be the victims at their own hand, to end their own lives - but it's truly those left behind who are the real victims.

The ones left with the pain and the guilt.  The ones grasping at straws wondering why they didn't see it coming.  Wondering why this person they loved so much didn't know how much we loved them - or why they didn't trust us enough to talk to us.  What we could have possibly done differently.  Why?

This pain happens to US.

This pain happened to ME.  Twice.

My Dad 8/8/42 - 3/28/85 - He was 42
My dad committed suicide when I was 18 years old.  To this day, I don't understand it.  He didn't leave a note of explanation - nothing.  I was daddy's little girl.  The one he told every day that I was his reason for living.

What did I do wrong that one day he decided I wasn't worth it anymore?

He didn't get to see me get married.  He never saw me become a mother.  He never got to know my children.  So many mile stones that my dad was not here for.

I was his little girl, and he left me.  His choice.

My Brother 9/9/68 - 8/24/07 - He was 39
My brother took his life almost 5 years ago.  He also didn't leave a note of explanation.  He was engaged to a beautiful girl, they were planning their wedding & then poof - just like that it was over.
We had a crappy childhood, but I was so proud of him.  He overcame so much.  His suicide was worse for me because he and I weren't speaking.

I wasn't there for him.  I never had a chance to reach out to him, to help him - to tell him I loved him.  It was just over - gone.

It doesn't even matter if any of what I just said is the actual truth - these are the feelings left behind.  The feelings of guilt that don't go away.  EVER!

I understand that suicide is said to be a form of mental illness, and I do truly believe that.  It wasn't my first rodeo with my brother, it was just the one I wasn't able to prevent.  He had tried several times before.  I was just able to prolong the inevitable in earlier days - to look out for him, as big sisters do.  I'd felt like a failure to let him slip away & leave his son, his fiancee - all of us.

I've tried to understand - to wrap my head around it and I just can't.

I've been very, very, very sad in my life - especially with these two losses.  I've lost in love.  I've lost things I don't even want to be public with.  I've been to rock bottom, but I've never once wanted to die.  Even at my lowest moment   I may have uttered the words in a moment of distress - but no real plan ever entered my mind.  I never went against my nature to survive.  I can't conceive of it - it's not in my make up. 

This is not a badge of honor.  It is not for sympathy or empathy that I write this blog today.  It's my want and need to stop this from happening to another person.

This is not just for those of us who have encountered a suicidal person - but for the suicidal person.

Please read my words, read my pain - because in the end, the pain and confusion that you suffer as someone contemplating suicide gets passed on to the people you leave behind.

PLEASE get help!

If you can't love yourself enough to want to stay, then PLEASE love the people you will leave behind enough to not leave them with this pain.  They will not get over it.  My dad has been gone 28 years.  I'm NOT over it!

Please find your instinct to survive and to overcome.

Today, there's nothing that I can do to bring back my dad or my brother.  All I can do is take my pain and use it to try to help someone else.  I hope like hell that I have.

Thank you for reading my blog!


If you, or someone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, please contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:


  1. Great post Jenn. I know how hard it must have been for you to write this. xoxo

  2. I'm sorry Jenn, I have been witness to suicide attempts as a child and it just changes you forever. Praying for your peace today.

  3. Oh honey, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. While I have experienced suicide through two very dear friends, I can't even imagine what you've gone through with your dad and brother's loss. You are a such a strong woman, and have the right attitude. Choose life!

  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic... I know this must have been a terribly difficult for you write and post. Personally, I find it incredibly short sighted that some people just don't comprehend how their life impacts and touches those around them. As the saying goes "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Hopefully your post will touch one person and they will reconsider and the world will be a little bit better for it. All the best ~ Coop

  5. Jenn, I lost my brother to suicide as well and I understand your words very deeply. I am at peace with his death Because I know how sick he was, but my father isn't and his daughter isn't. I understand why they aren't. The sadness of the life lost is always there and the not fully understanding why is so hard. Several member of my high school have chosen suicide recently and it is soooo sad. They leave behind children and mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters and friends who just had no idea.

    I get so upset with kids these days who joke about dying or killing themselves. Its not a joke. Life matters. We need to live it.

    I love you for posting this.

  6. Thank you all for your comments :) Some brought tears to my eyes (Brady Bunch). It is my goal with this is to really wake as many people up as possible... Life is a GIFT - it's NOT always going to be easy. Sometimes it's REALLY going to suck, but it has to suck sometimes so you can appreciate the good stuff.

    Love you guys, really! xxooxxoo

  7. I love you!!
    I don't know you.
    But I love you!!
    Every damn day I fight these damn demons.
    Today happens to be one that is worse than others.
    Thank your honesty.

    1. Love you back - I've got my eye on you, chickie! I'm here to help support you. You keep getting up... Hear me? xxoo

  8. Yep! I hear you. Unfortunately, the battle just got bigger. For years I've avoided narcotic pain meds. Hysterectomy 3 I was off all pain meds. Gastric bypass...same. several other surgeries...yep done in 2-3 days. Because if I didn't the unthinkable would happen. effing has. With this shoulder surgery I have had no choice. My husband was told after my surgery it wouldn't be an option. I had to stay faithful on meds. And now...4 weeks in an addiction has started. Leaving me with severe crippling anxiety attacks daily. And an entirely new soon on suicidal ideation.

    1. Can you take Holy Basil? It's natural - it's helpful. I wasn't suicidal when I was going off my meds - but I WAS out of my flippin' mind! Truly. It helped me so much to level off until I could properly ween off the prescribed meds. Hang in there... One day at a time. Breathe.... I know the anxiety sucks - bad. Live every day for the next day - one day at a time. You CAN do this. And on the days you can't - turn to someone. Like you are now! I want you here & I don't even know you! Imagine how much your family wants you there :)

  9. Dang Im more thn out of my mind today!!

  10. Go look at one of your kids & hang in there until tomorrow.


Posting via
Thank you for checking it out!