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Thursday, March 3, 2016

The long term effects of suicide on those left behind

These are my actual, real life experiences.
I am always appreciative when my posts are shared and I'm always hopeful that these posts will help another person. The one thing I ask, please, out of respect to me and my personal experiences - please do not take this blog piece and re-post it as your own.  We are all in this together.  Thank you ~Jenn

This post has been in writing for more than a month. It is very difficult for me to get through because these are my truths.

I ask for a pardon for any grammatical or punctuation errors - this is totally unedited due to the nature of the post & where I had to go within myself to put this out there.

As always, I hope this helps even one person struggling with depression and / or suicidal thoughts.

March 28, 1984 - The day my father left this planet at his own hand.

That date is one I will never, ever, ever forget. Really, how could I?
That is the date that most important man in my life, at the time, left me - without warning, without saying goodbye, without an explanation.

I was 18.

For YEARS I had the exact same re-occurring nightmares of my father's suicide. Not the actual suicide, per se.  Luckily my dad did not die in our house, nor I did not find him or see him in that state. I, instead, dreamed of the article of his death written in the local newspaper.

The article that laid it all right out for me and created a mental picture I didn't recover from for years.

Hawthorne Man, 42, found dead.  Self inflicted gun shot wound to the head. Victim found slumped over steering wheel of his 1982 AMC International Scout.

That's not the article verbatim - but that was what formed the template of the nightmares that ensued for more than 20 years of my life.

The same dream, every night, of walking up to my dad's truck and seeing him slumped over the steering wheel, lifeless, bleeding from the wound to his head. Feeling scared, helpless, distraught, out of control, traumatized.

I don't have enough words to describe every single awful emotion I experienced. I always woke in a pool of sweat, crying, shaking, terrified.

I had that nightmare almost every night for more than 20 years, until I had a procedure called EMDR to make the nightmares stop.  (If you are unaware of what EMDR is, you may click on the link above to give you an explanation. Please note:  This link is not meant as an endorsement to any particular agency and is meant for informational purposes only.)

That treatment DID stop that particular dream, but it did not stop all dreams related to my dad's suicide.

More than 30 years later, I still miss my dad every single day.

Yes, I know - people miss people who've passed all the time.
I've lost others close to me in my life, either naturally or due to sickness or tragic accidents. Some were old, some were young. I think of them and I miss them. I'm not minimizing any loss.

Loss by suicide is different.

If I could express one thing - any thing to someone who is suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts and thinks that if they just die they will stop being a burden, you are so wrong.

I've said so many times - if you are a person struggling and just want the pain to go away - please KNOW the pain is NOT going away. All it is doing is magnifying and moving on to those you love, who are left behind to try to make sense of it. Your family, your friends will carry this forever. They will never make sense of it.

Trust me.
There is NO CLOSING that gaping hole that is left behind by the suicide of someone you love. It is NOT the same as someone dying because they're sick, or because they've been in an awful accident, or it was just their time. It's awful. It's traumatic. It's life altering. It's a permanent hole that never quite heals.

It's been a long time since I've had one of those nightmares that I did the EMDR treatment to stop -  but I do still have those types of dreams. I think I always will.

"It happens as usual, I'm lying in my bed asleep, when I realize that my dad isn't home.  I get up out of my bed and I wander around my house looking for him.  In my confusion, I realize that nothing looks the same.  I hear the television in the other room, it's my husband watching television - but it's almost like I look through him.  I'm confused wondering where I am, where my dad's room is.  Why does everything look different.  I go lay back in bed thinking, wait - why am I sleeping in my dad's bed?  I need to go to my own bed.  I continue to process the confusion - then I realize, it's not my dad's bed.  It's my bed.  I'm in my house, not the house I lived in when my dad died - and that my dad is gone.  Then the pain hits.  He's gone.  I cry myself back to sleep."

It's been more than 30 years since my dad passed. I still dream of him, both happy and sad dreams. I still miss him. I still feel the pain and trauma of the loss.  It never goes away.

The feelings of confusion and fear have not completely left me.
In my awake state, today, I can remember all I felt during my dream last night. I can remember wondering where my dad was. Why didn't he come home? Where is he? Where am I? Why did he leave me alone here?  Fear.

You see, the pain of this loss - it never leaves.

...and it has a way of permeating a family.

My brother, Eric, took his own life - the same way as my dad - in 2007.

Suicide hurts everyone.

Neither my dad or brother said goodbye.
-A good bye would not have been better.

Neither my dad or my brother left a note.
-An explanation would not have been better.

Even if they did, it would not change the fact that someone I love left this place at his own hand, and I was powerless to stop it.

Please, I ask you - I beg you, if you are someone who is struggling with the pain of depression and/or suicidal thoughts - PLEASE reach out to someone.

Yes, I know you feel no one wants to hear it or is tired of hearing it.
Talk to someone else.
Yes, I know you feel no one will understand how you feel.
Someone may not completely understand, but they will try.
Yes, I know you feel that you would be burdening someone with your problems.
Someone will gladly want to help.
Yes, I know that sometimes you don't care about anything at all.
Care anyway.

Don't drown. Ask for help. Reach for a life line.

Please know;
Someone DOES love you.
Someone WILL miss you.
Someone WILL suffer every single day of the rest of their life if you leave.

Please stay.

Please reach out.

Someone WILL reach back.

It does get better.

You are loved.

Thank you for reading my blog.

My Daily Jenn-ism ~ March 2016

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  1 (800) 273-8255

In loving memory of the very first man I ever loved - my daddy and my younger brother, Eric.
Missing you both forever <3

Related Posts:

How Suicide has Affected Me - My Real Life Story

Let's Talk Taboo

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Thursday, February 18, 2016

Things I wish someone had said to me at 16 years old

I'm not sure how much I've shared on here about me... ya know, besides everything.

For the past 9 years until this past November, my husband and I were foster parents.

We've had the opportunity to have many children of different ages and backgrounds pass through our home. Each one more heart breaking than the next.  Some great outcomes, some unknown.

It was in fostering & volunteering with teens that I got to take a really good look at the life of sixteen year old girl from another angle besides the one I lived.  I can see so clearly now the things I wished that someone had told me.

At sixteen, everything seems so desperate and serious.  Love, life, everything.  They need it all to happen RIGHT NOW.

The one thing in common is that all they wanted was to feel loved, whatever that means.

True, some sixteen year old girls are very well adjusted or more well adjusted than others. Many of the girls we've helped lived lives that were far worse than anything I could relate to at that age.  I wanted to save them all - but I couldn't.  I could only say the things that had been said to me, or that I wish had been said to me.

If I could be the person speaking to myself, I'd speak the same words as I've spoken to these girls and let them know that it really is, and really will be OK.  They are loved.  They are deserving of love and they WILL have the right, special someone to love them forever - ONE DAY.

No bueno
I'm not a prude at all - so keep that in consideration when I say that modesty is OK. You don't have to dress like a nun - but cover it up.  You don't need to show it all off to get the attention of a boy you like.  Dressing inappropriately will attract attention all right - all the wrong attention!  If a boy likes you, you'll get his attention without all of that - don't you worry.

Hormones are flying all over the place - yours and theirs.  It's like a hormonal airport & everyone wants to come in for a landing....

Screeeeeeech..... slam on the breaks, girl.  You've got plenty of time for all of that.  Really.

Not everyone is ready, at the tender age of sixteen, to jump on into a sexual relationship, and it is OK to say so.

If a boy really likes you, he will respect that.  Really.  Yeah, he may be pissed - but he'll get over it.

On that angle, it's important to know the things my daddy (and my step dad) drilled into my head constantly - "Boys will tell you whatever you want to hear to get into your pants."  Honestly, hearing that over and over again really messed me up, but they were right.  Remember those words.

That doesn't mean that you're not lovable or deserving of love.  EVERYONE is worthy of love.  Not everyone is ready to love you the way you want to be loved.  That's learned through maturity.

If you find yourself in a bad situation - FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST!  Not every sixteen year old is close with or comfortable talking to their parent.  There is always an adult you can talk to - not all of us "adult" people suck.  We've all lived through what you're going through right now and as long as you're not a danger to yourself or others, we can pretty much keep our mouth shut if necessary. Do not try to handle things on your own.

Back to the boy thing....  Know this.... if a boy forces himself on you or takes advantage of you without your consent - he does NOT care about you.  If a boy truly likes / loves you, he will protect you.  He will respect you.  Even in this day and age of punk ass little teen age boys - this will always be a fact.  No one gets to hurt you.  No one gets to disrespect you.  No one gets to take what you're not prepared to give.  Know that - live it.

You many not be a full fledged adult yet, but you are human and deserving of basic human kindness and respect.  That you need to believe.

You are allowed, as your own person, to set boundaries on what you will and will not accept.  Not everyone will like that.  Too bad.  Not everyone matters.  People who genuinely care for you will respect your boundaries.  You deserve respect!

I know that it is absolutely, positively heart wrenching when the boy that you really like does not like you.  Even worse, pretends to like you and then treats you badly.  I promise you, there IS someone out there who will be absolutely, positively in love with every single breath you take.
That person is out there and that person is worth waiting for.

You deserve respect.  You deserve love.  You deserve compassion.  You deserve kindness.

All of this is temporary.  YES, all of it!  In 20 years, this will all be a mere blip in your memory bank. The good stuff will stand out and make you smile.  The bad stuff will still hurt your heart, but you will NOT remember it all.  It will all pass.

In the mean time, 
Be happy!  Be smart!  Be sixteen!

This time only rolls around once - live well without regrets.

You deserve that!

Thank you for reading my blog!!


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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

The thing about blogging is.....

When I first started blogging, I was all about the "getting the feelings out."

It was about saying what I needed to say, how I was feeling, what I thought about whatever it was I was feeling at the time.

Problem with that is the people you are sure will always know who you are and what you are all about will suddenly not know you at all and feel victimized or annoyed - even if it's not about them.

That's been my conundrum of sorts.

Finding a way to say what I feel and want to say in the moment, without pissing people I care about off and sending the wrong message.

It's been tough.

Much has transpired since I first started this little blog. Some friendships have been lost. Some friendships have strengthened and become great lessons on what friendship is really about.  Others have left behind great pain and loss in one way or another.

When I first started blogging, I became online friends with a few women who blogged like I do. Then one day they dropped completely off of the blogosphere, emailing that their blogs had "caused too much trouble in their real life" so they were done. The internet has a way of getting into your real life in ways you never expect.

Who EVER expects their best friend to drop them like a hot rock because they've exposed their innermost self online?  No one expects it - yet it's happened.
That's not my story - but it is a real story.

Why the hell would anyone want to blog like this?  Why would anyone want to continue to "bare themselves" for the world, knowing that the world could turn against them at any time?

I am very aware that not everyone is going to think or feel the way I do.
Truth is that I'm a hugely deep thinker and feeler, which kind of sucks.
It's often misunderstood.  Yes, maybe I do say too much.
But that IS who I am.  An open book.

The thing about blogging is that I say what I'm feeling in the moment, much like a diary except everyone gets to read the online "diary" of my innermost thoughts and feelings in that particular moment.
Is it possible that I don't feel as I'd written all the time?  YES.
Is that a reason that the world shouldn't have an inside look at your innermost thoughts?  Probably.
I haven't learned to keep all that is inside of me inside.  Chances are I never will.  I'm good with that.

Some individuals in my real life have held my thoughts and words on here against me.  Some have bonded closer to me, feeling they have a better understanding of me and where I'm coming from. Some who already know exactly who I am and where I'm coming from just wonder what the heck I'm going to come out with next.

The thing about blogging is that if you're going to be a feeling, opinionated blogger - you need to have some really tough skin or be anonymous.

Sadly there are more people out there looking to rip someone down than to build them up.
Not everyone is looking out for your best interest, or looking at the things you're saying as something to help another human - but as a direct shot at tearing them down.

You can't gauge how simple words on a computer screen will affect the person on the other end.

There are entirely too many thinking, feeling humans on this planet, and we all think it's about us.

Is it possible, even for a second that it's not about you - maybe just this once?

Is it possible that the things that are written are written in the hopes that the experiences of one - good, bad or ugly can help someone else - even in the smallest way?

The thing about blogging is that it's hard.  All of it.

ALL bloggers, regardless of what they're blogging about - fashion, food, life, parenting, politics, opinion - no matter what we say - someone is going to have a counter point or counter feeling.
Someone is going to "troll" your post because it doesn't quite fit them.  Really.

Confession.  I do still blog.  Regularly.
For the things I'm not so willing to be tough about, I take my thin skinned self over to my anonymous blog. I say what I want to say knowing none of those people give a crap if I'm talking to them or the person next to them, and I still go about my little life.

If I think I can help someone I know reading - even in a small way, or make you laugh, or just be my random self - I'll be back.

The thing about blogging is that I love it.  I LOVE blogging.  It gets out all the crap that's clogging my progress and it puts it out there for all of you, at any given moment.

I know I'm not the best writer.
I know my punctuation and grammar suck 3/4 of the time since I also suck at editing.

I'm just thrilled that so many of you asked for more blogging!!  <3

That is the best compliment EVER!!
(With the exception of the one person who recognized me in real life - that was a little awkward for me, but I loved it!)

As always, thank you for reading my blog!

I love you all!


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