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Friday, March 27, 2015

Please don't leave. If you don't think you'll be missed, think again...

Every year around this time I get all blah...

Not only is seasonal depression still lingering, because Mother Nature can't figure out which season should be in play - I'm also rolling into the time of year that I lost my dad.


It's been 31 years.  I still miss him every day.

I'm not 100% sure this blog will be well put together or easily flowing.  It is totally unedited and will be 100% my feelings, my thoughts, my ramblings as they come out of me today - 31 years (tomorrow) after my dad killed himself.

For those of you reading for the first time - on March 28, 1984 my dad took his own life.
It's a day that is etched so far into my mind I can still close my eyes and see/feel every single moment as if it's happening over again.

Because of what I've been through, I take this time of year to tell my side of it as a way to help others who may be suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts to realize they do mean something to someone, no matter how you may feel - AND to help people like me to know that it's totally OK to still feel the pain and still not be able to make sense of any of it.

If you want to read "My Story" click here:   How Suicide Has Affected Me.  My Real Life Story


I am LUCKY to have gotten to where I am without depression, without suicidal thoughts and without full on self-destructive behavior. (though I definitely walked the line.)  I am thankful every day that I am not someone who suffers from depression.  Thankful!

I was 18 when my dad died.
Even though it's been 31 years - that's 31 years of stuff that he missed.  That I missed having him here for.  Do you know how much happens in 31 years?  How many things you're forced to figure out for yourself as a child of someone who committed suicide?  Yes, he DID miss them.  I don't want to hear that he "Didn't miss anything, he's been right there watching."  Those are the nice things people like to say when someone is mourning.  While it may be true - my dad wasn't HERE WITH ME because he CHOSE to leave - and that is what's different.  That's where the anger, sadness, pain come in.  Because he CHOSE to go.

My family life wasn't all sunshine & flowers.  I lived with my dad.  So when he was gone, it was just me to figure it out.  And it's the words of another that forced me to figure it out...

The words I'll never forget that were spoken to me.  Words that both tore me down and forced me to build myself.  "Just because your father's dead, don't think you can move back in with me."
At the time those words terrified me.  I hated and resented those words.  The felt vile and completely unloving.  My dad was all I had and he was gone.  What now?

Whatever the sentiment behind those words at the time, I'm grateful for them now as they forced me to figure it out for myself.  Those words created the survivor that I am.  I figured it out for myself because I had no choice in the matter. I'm a better / stronger person today because of those words.

Do you know what it's like to be 18 and alone with no guidance??  How about dropping some insurance money into the mix?  That alone was a recipe for disaster.

I was LUCKY.



I didn't have my dad, the perpetual voice of reason, guiding my steps.  Steering me out of trouble in his own way.

I was only 18 years old when my father committed suicide.  I'm not saying that I didn't know my dad. He was my dad, of course I knew him.  I just didn't KNOW him as one adult knows another.  I knew him as the little girl I once was.

Yes, I know... many kids lose their parents.  Losing your parent to suicide is a whole new ball game.  You don't know how to feel.  You don't know what to say.  You don't know if you should feel embarrassed or brave or protective or victimized.  It's like being naked in the middle of a crowd.  You're completely vulnerable.

I both lost it completely AND totally held it together at the same time.  Sometimes I think I still do.


Right now, I am older than my dad was when he died.  When I think about that alone, it saddens me how much he lost.  So many things he missed.

I think that's one of the things those who are suicidal don't get... the tomorrows that they will miss.  I can't say for sure as I'm lucky enough to not suffer from suicidal thoughts or depression.  Even though I've lived through the deaths of both my father and brother by suicide, I'm no expert on the subject.  I can only speak of my thoughts, feelings and the things told to me in grief counseling.

It was said that a sad person can still function.  Still cares about the day to day activities, those who need to be tended to.  A depressed person still cares, but does only what needs to be done.  If the house is on fire - they'll burn with the house.  That's a lot to take in.

All these years since my dad died, I often think about the things he's missed.  I think about the mistakes I'd made because I didn't have my dad to ask me what the hell I was thinking.  He was good at that.  He'd never tell me what or what not to do, but he'd steer me.  He was the only one that could do that.



For those of you left behind - I get you.  I feel how you feel.  Lost for answers.  Even if you got a "note" (I didn't) you still don't totally get it.  All you feel is the pain, the loss, the anger and the confusion.  I know.  It's 31 years and typing this mish mosh of feelings - I still don't get it.

If you are someone struggling, some one who thinks they won't be missed - I have news for you - YOU WILL BE MISSED.  In that split second between life & death where you make your decision - make it be the decision to live - to go on - to fight.  There is another tomorrow to figure it out.  Tomorrow may not be filled with all you've dreamed of - but if you keep dreaming, there's the next day and the next day.  One second, one minute, one hour, one day - one breath at time.

It's OK to be sad.  It's OK to feel like things just totally suck.  It's NOT OK to quit on yourself and everyone who loves you.  Just because you're not getting what you want at this second - doesn't mean the next second won't get better.  Stick around to see it.  Please.


Don't leave someone you love left behind to wonder WHY?  To be alone.  To feel the pain.  To feel the loss.  To feel the anger over and over again of the decision you made to check out.

Please talk to someone - anyone.  SOMEONE will listen.

Choose life.

Thank you for getting through this mess of feelings.

Peace & Love,

Jenn

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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Friends?

I haven't blogged regularly on this page lately.
Mostly because things like the title of this particular blog would set some people in my "real" life into orbit, deciding this blog MUST be about them.  It is my hope that by now, those people have fallen off and don't bother with my blog posts.  Fingers crossed.  :)


Friendship / false friends seem to be the theme in many of the posts I've seen across Facebook lately.  Not by men, but by women of course.  I don't say that as a negative to either of our sexes - but to the reality that we women are deeply emotional, feeling beings.  Men just shrug it off and have a beer.  It would be so nice to not feel sometimes, wouldn't it?

My old boss, a man, once told me "Jenn, not everyone is you FRIEND.  Just because you know someone doesn't make them your friend.  It makes them your acquaintance.  Friendship is earned and very few people are actually your friends."  Never was a statement more true spoken.

The posts I've seen the most speak to the loss of friendships of those that were thought to be true, loving, close as sisters friends.  Sadness of the loss of a relationship gone bad.  It's almost like mourning the death of a loved one.  It's really very sad.

I understand the pain of this type of loss.
While there are a few "friendships" I am relieved to have learned the truth about, there are a few that even though I have learned are bad for me, I do still mourn the loss of.

Is it a thing when you get to a certain age?
Is it that now that I am "this age" I know who I am and what I will and will not tolerate from another person?  Does it become a time where enough is enough and you move along?

Why now?

I don't ever remember feeling this way when I was younger.  Everything seemed to roll right off my back.  Ok, so this friend ditched me... no problem.  Let's call....whomever.  I had a ton of friends.  Or at least I thought I did.

I guess at this stage of the game I expect that if "Suzy" says she'll be at my house at 7, "Suzy" will be there.  If "Suzy" isn't there, she'll let me know in advance or at very least why she wasn't and/or accept responsibility for the situation.  Not say hey... ya know what, if you didn't ..... I'd have been there and ya know what you should just understand that and get over it.


I'm trying to exercise discretion related to an inbox session between myself and an online friend, who was recently treated badly by another friend.  Instead of the other friend just saying "I'm sorry," she turned the situation around to put it on my friend making the situation her fault.  Immature.

I'm getting off track, but acknowledging a situation (how'd I do?)

It's really all about TRUST.  The number one key factor in any relationship.

At a certain point, we should expect that the people we've chosen to love and hold in our hearts as true friends ARE true friends.  People you can trust.  People who you will know who YOU are and not get all weird about stupid stuff online or rumors circulating around town.  Real friends will CONFRONT this issue and say, "Hey... I heard...  or I saw...  What's that all about?  Are you OK?"  OR - "Hey, you really hurt me."  (If they've actually felt hurt by something you've said/done directly to them.)  It seems that if you invest the time into another person, especially years, that the other person should know who you are and respect both you and your friendship enough to not only know the truth, but to come to YOU if there's any confusion.  Why is that so hard?



I'm someone who loves with all that I have inside of me.  I'm loyal and protective.  I will do anything for my friends.  I make every effort to be involved in their lives, even if I can't see them every day.  I will defend their honor, even if I don't say so, and I will remain true to them.  Yup, just like an old dog.  :)  BUT hurt me once and I shut down.  I can/will forgive given a little time to heal.  Hurt me twice, I'm done.  I totally shut down, walk away, slam the door and lock it.  Not because I don't forgive, but because I respect myself enough to not tolerate negativity toward me.  Maybe that's not the best way to go about it, but it's what works for me.

It's funny, as I type this - although I'm writing a story about someone else's situation - it feel so personal to ME.  It feels like MY story and my mourning.  Maybe some of it is.

...Some things you just never get over.

Even when you know the relationship can no longer grow and prosper.  The loss can still be devastating.

Not just for marriage, but friendship too.
And even when you walk away, out of self preservation, the other person may NEVER see what was done or how you feel.

That may be the saddest thing of all.

Friendship IS a love relationship.  Something to hold dear.  To cherish.  To nurture & protect.

Honor your friendships.  Honor your friends.

True friends and people who genuinely love YOU are hard to come by.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

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Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Knock, Knock, Knock... AARP Calling. Anyone home???

Helloooooooooo, Jenn....
I know you're in there OPEN THE DOOR!

I'm rapidly reaching the point where I will have completed 49 years on this planet, and the next big number is headed my way.

The BIG 5-0.  YUCK

I can run, but I can't hide.
Beats the alternative, I suppose.

Ever since the calendar has switched to the new year, I've become keenly aware that the 5 at the end of 2015 corresponds (in my brain) to the year 1965.  The year I was born and it also represents (in my brain) the 5 in the 50 that I will be turning.

I have been pondering obsessing over these years more and more.  Some good years, some not so good.  Seems like I'd have more time to work out the not so good years...but now I don't have that handy dandy youth to carry me through.  Ho hum...

I feel much like the person in the picture above - hanging on for dear life. What the heck do I have my claws sunk so deeply into?? My youth?? HA! That ship sailed somewhere within the 10 year gap between baby #1 & baby #2.  I'm not sure you know this - but mentally...I'm no grown up! Shocking I know.  No worries.  I can hang with the best of them.  Right up until 9:30 pm.


50....F.I.F.T.Y.

Nope, still not liking it.  I wasn't ready to be old(er) and menopausal and having things not sit exactly where they're supposed to on my body.  I mean, I always knew I would be older some day, and maybe I'm not really "old" yet - but...  Sheesh.  What happened to 30 something?????

Speaking of 30 something... While browsing Facebook - I saw one of my friends online & realized that it was 30 years ago that he and I worked together.  OMG... 3.0. YEARS AGO - when I was 19.

I'm much more grateful than fearful.  I'm happy.  I have everything I've ever wanted and then some. How awesome is that?

I've overcome some health issues and am in a position now where I have a good handle on my well being.  I know what I need to do when I'm feeling badly and I just do it - without the drugs that made me crazy and sicker.  Did I mention the medication made me crazy??  Well that was fun. Who needs a mid-life crisis when you can have a medically induced psychotic episode? Read sarcasm.

All in all, I have no regrets.  I believe that life plays out as it's meant to. No matter how you try to manipulate the outcome, it cycles back around to where it's supposed to be.  Amazing.

It's been a fabulous learning experience.  Many lessons hit me all at once, but they all bring me back to the same thing - this is who I am.  All of me. The good, the bad and the silly.

I've had 49 years to build this me I am - and well, creaky knees and all...
THIS IS WHO I AM.

50... Come and get me.
I'll be waiting in a glitter cat suit, drinking a margarita.

Bring it!



AARP, I'll be waiting for my card to arrive in the mail. My polyester pants will be pressed & ready and I'll be waiting (im)patiently at the door by 4:30 PM to leave for the Early Bird Special.

Don't be late. You know how we old folks hate to wait.

...Or I'll just embrace this new decade and be full on FABULOUS!

Yeah...That's more like it.  Fabulous.

I'm ready for my next 50 years.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

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