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Friday, June 29, 2012

Momma needs a vacay!

Seriously, this is me at work lately...

Doesn't seem fair, does it??  The place I go every day to relax and have big people interaction has now turned into a place where I can't even get up from my desk to pee!  I actually have to work.

I love being home with my family, but mentally -
I NEED to work!

I stayed home with the kid-doodles up until 1st grade.
Then, as far as I was concerned, there was no need for me to sit home all day.  For what?  To fold laundry in front of the soaps?

I could have rebuilt my social life with the other stay at home moms, but I didn't have any at the time.  Of course, now that I'm back to working daily more of my friends are actually home, but that's a whole other ball game.

The fact is, I like making my own money.  Yeah, yeah, I know...
my husband works, his money is my money yadda yadda yadda.
I like to know that if I want to get my nails done or go shopping, I don't need to stick my hand out and ask for money.  It's what makes me feel like I'm contributing.

I do miss the summer time home with my kids though.  The waking up late & sitting in our jammies until it's pool time, but they're getting bigger now.  They don't really WANT mommy around as much.  They'd rather be with their friends, or on Facetime if they're not together.  I'm just sort of, in the way.  So they go to summer camp to be with their friends & I go to work to help pay for it.

Everyone's happy.

That is, until I have days like the past few weeks where work has EXPLODED!  In most every industry, there's the "summer slows".  People going on vacation.  No one has money to spend, so no one's spending money.  Not so much when your company caters to the music business.  Summer = Concert Season, Tiki Bars and just reasons to be outside listening to music.  We cater to that.  So I am busy, very busy!

There comes a time, though - that my brain turns to mush!  Times like the past few weeks that I'm really missing my creative gene.  Times like now when I feel like I can't put two coherent sentences together to form a proper thought.  Times I'm REALLY hoping you all don't hit the little x button & never come back, thinking I've totally lost it!

Don't worry, I'm still in here...

My brain may be a big ol pile of mushy mish mosh, but it's just because work is temporarily sucking my brain dry.  Stay tuned.

I'm headed for west & we-waxation, then - watch out world!

For now - Costa Rica - here I come...


Well deserved vacation being served up shortly!

Clearly, I will be on hiatus over the next week or so.  Please feel free to browse through the older blogs.

As always, Thank you for your continued support & for reading my blog!!



Thursday, June 28, 2012

Oh My Gosh! Did you just call me "Grown Up"?

Did you honestly believe that once I found out you were reading my blog that you would escape being forever immortalized in my blog? 

So, as you all know - anyone who's played an important part in my life, at one time or another become the stars of their own blog.

This blog is truly written with all the love in my heart, as I devote it to my former BFF & his bride, "the chick from the marina."  (I had to throw that in there, because she just found out that was my only point of reference for her, for the longest time..)

You didn't read that wrong - yes, HE is my "former" BFF, but he got married & got himself a new BFF.
It's all good.  That's how it's supposed to be!

Once upon a time, most of my friends were men.  It's just what worked for me.

I wasn't a very good dater & I always seemed to get along better with men than women.  The only problem with having mostly male friends is that their girlfriends don't buy that you're just friends & get all jealous and icky.

Dan-O is one of the very few people on the planet who has actually earned the right to point his finger and laugh at me.  He's been around entirely too long & truly knows me "when".  No problem there, because I know him "when" as well!  We know each other's families & secrets - the idiots we've dated, the roommates - the dirt.  Admittedly, Dan-O probably has more dirt on me than I have on him - but that's just because he had the audacity to be the responsible one!  Hmmpf!

In all honesty, in my 20's it was very important to know that there really is no such thing as the "designated drunk driver," which is the title my former roommate bestowed upon herself.  So thanks for keeping me alive, Dan-O. 

Most of the time, his past girlfriends HATED me.  Partially because I'm ridiculously protective over my friends.  If I saw an idiot headed his way - I made sure she was well aware that "the Jenn does NOT go away" - know it, learn it, love it.
Dan-O was always so kind & generous.  I hated him being taken advantage of.

By the same token, Dan-O was always around too.  He made sure undeserving, potential suitors were humiliated and sent packing.  Most of the time without my direct knowledge.  It was quite funny, though I may not have thought so at the time.

No monkey business - EVER - just sincere friendship.  He watched my back, I watched his and whenever one of us had an event to go to that we didn't want to embarrass ourselves by bringing the person we may have been seeing at the time along, we were each other's date.  That surely confused a lot of people, especially his brother.

Sadly, I had to bring one of those not up to par dates to Dan-O's wedding because, well - he had his own date.  :)

I, of course, got the eye roll for that sub-standard wedding date, but whadda ya gonna do, right?

I had the absolute pleasure of my two dear friends coming for a visit last week with their little family.

That wouldn't sound like such a big deal in some cases, but they now live far, far away in North Carolina.  If we see or speak to each other, it's through a Christmas card, Facebook or an extremely rare phone call.  Life gets in the way, sadly enough.

It was a fabulous time of catching up - reminiscing about the good old days when we were single and crazy.  The silliness of my former roommates & the accompanying memories of mayhem & jaw dropping crazies that ensued during those days.  Wondering where everyone else is, and feeling lucky to have ended up being the "normal" ones. (yeah, I use "normal" lightly - don't worry)

Between the revelations that Michele was known to me as "the chick from the marina" and that I was thought to have been a "grown up" we had many laughs.

I think Michele now forgives me for continually giving Dan the business about the pool table in the dining room & we've definitely grown to realize that Dan-O or not, we could have ended up friends anywhere else on the planet.

At the end of a visit (that went much too quickly), I knew - once again, that Michele is a pretty cool chick.  She's in fact NOT at all from "the marina" and I'm in fact, NOT at all nearly as "grown up" as she thought.  :)

All in all, it was wonderful to see that all these years later - my former BFF's new BFF is as awesome and amazing as he is & I just love them both to death.  

...and their little kids too :)

Thank you for reading my blog!

Big giant smoochies to you all...  I'll be setting off to vacay in a few days.  Please read the old stuff... there's gotta be something worth reading there :)


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Keeping myself in check...

I may not always be the sharpest knife in the drawer.  I know this.  I don't pretend otherwise.

I am who I am.

I continually screw up and trip over my tongue & say stupid stuff, or have moments of bizarre insecurity - BUT I stay true to me.  It's all I can do, and I am comfortable with the person that I am.

If you've been reading me for a while, you probably know that I went through a really weird time in my life.  Almost a year of just bizarre behavior that was medically related.  Many things I'm still pretty embarrassed by, relationships damaged and some things I've not gotten beyond.  This too shall pass.

It's this blog that's helped me sort through my wackiness.  To see in black and white the "Holy CRAP, I've gone totally bat sh*t crazy."
It's what helped me to do something about the crazies and make it through to the other side.

Nothing during that period of time was easy for me.  I spent a lot of time on an emotional roller coaster watching this other person just be nuts & not be able to control it.  It's something I hate to admit.  It's so NOT me.  I truly wish I could just dig a giant hole and get rid of it.  Sadly, it just is.  The collateral damage will either sort itself out or not.  I've done my best to make amends and have finally learned to stop apologizing.

I have a genuine medical issue that requires prescribed medication.  Medication I took as directed, but no longer take because of how it made me feel.

Even though during the summer months I feel better, I need to be constantly aware of how I'm doing off the medication - because that's when I push myself harder.  That's when I do stupid stuff (like moving the wood pile for my husband for Father's Day) and suffer for days afterward.  That's when the pain kicks in and I need to be reminded - as much as my body can't handle the pain - I'm medication sensitive & need to find another way to deal with it.  Period!

Sure, I could very well cave in & take pain medication.  I have a genuine need and prescription for it, but I need to be responsible for what I want and don't want in my life.  I don't want to be a whack job!

I review all of this from time to time - out here for all of you to see.  It keeps me accountable.

I know some of my friends really enjoyed the "Ass Hat Show" - but me, I'd much rather be me.  All of me - the good, the bad and the wacky all on my own.

On the days it sucks to be me - I'll still plaster a big ol smile on my face & push through it knowing that no matter how bad I may have it - there are a ton of people who have it so much worse.  I'm truly blessed.

Thank you for your love & support and as always, thank you for reading my blog!



Tuesday, June 19, 2012

And it begins... Not EVEN the First FULL day of summer (guest blog by my dear 9 year old)

The following is a list given to me by my 9 year old daughter on what I need to prepare for during HER summer vacation.

Please keep in mind, school got out for summer just shy of 5 hours ago TODAY, Tuesday, June 19th.

Dear Mom,

It's going to be a LONG summer.  Here is a list of things you need to prepare for...

  • Letting me have sleepovers, because I'm probably going to ask.  EVERY DAY
  • I'll want to swim every day
  • Pleading to get a dog 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999...times
  • Buying me things that I absolutely need/want
  • Letting me invite my friends over.  EVERY DAY
  • Letting me play on the trampoline by myself.
  • Letting me play the WII by myself.
  • Letting me sleep in late.
  • Letting me go to sleep late.
  • Letting me watch my T.V. shows whenever I want.
  • Take me to Moe's restaurant.  (it's a fast food joint, not a restaurant)
  • Giving me money to go to Pennsylvania. (duh)
  • Making this the BESTEST Summer EVER!
Your dear sweet wonderful daughter

Ugh...she's only 9...God help me in a few more years.

Please - don't have pity, just send red wine.  Preferably Alamos Malbec.  :)

Thank you for reading my daughter's guest blog for the day and for your continued support of my blog.



Put on your big kid pants & get it yourself!

Snap out of it!

The world does not owe you a favor.

Not everyone is going to swoon at your feet or tell you that you're wonderful.

Not everyone is going to want to make you the center of their universe and you will not always be the belle of the ball.

Get over it!

Sheesh...  No wonder society is such a mess.  Every other person (and I'm being kind) thinks they're entitled to the whole enchilada.  Well ya know what - you can't have mine!  I worked my little but off for mine - go do a little work and get your own.

It's not that I don't want to share - I don't want to be told that I need to.

I will do anything for anyone until it becomes expected of me.  Really - just because I'm being kind to you doesn't mean you're entitled to my kindness.  It means that I'm being a nice person.

I work hard!  I've worked since junior high school and I've chosen to go back to work when our little one started school.  I've never expected anyone to give me things.

If I wanted something, I worked for it and I got it.  End of story! 

This is how I try to raise my children as well.  I will help them with whatever they need help with, but I also teach them to work for what they want. 

Sure, they get mad when I don't succumb to their pissing & moaning that Johnny's mommy & daddy just gave him a BMW.  Well, good for Johnny.  You're working for yours.  I'll help you, but you're having your first down payment, insurance and gas money!

Sorry cup cake... this momma doesn't play.  Don't try to give me guilt.  I don't get guilt from others - I'm FABULOUS at giving myself guilt.

I don't care what other parents do and I'm not doing what you want just because you think that's how it ought to be!  I guess I just suck as a parent, what can I say? 

Although you will always be MY shining star - you will not always be THE shining star.  It's not always about you and the world does NOT owe you a favor!

I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but someone had to. 

Brush off your butt - get up and go do for yourself.

You'll be better for it, I promise. 

Thank you for reading my blog!


Monday, June 18, 2012

Getting older - HATE IT!

I still haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that I'm not 20 or 30 anything anymore.

I jokingly refer to myself as an "old broad" - and will allow my husband to lovingly refer to me as his "old lady",  BUT I'm still kicking and screaming about getting older.

When I look in the mirror, I thankfully don't see some old broad looking back at me.  However, my aches and pains and the length of time it now takes me to get up and at 'em tells me for sure that I'm no spring chicken anymore.  As a matter of fact - one of my chickens has already left the nest.

My brain thinks I'm 20ish, if that.  I am far from the example of maturity that should properly be portrayed amongst the young ones.  At least I have fun. 

On Facebook last week I posted a note to Mother Nature, basically telling her to kiss off!  Here I am - on the downside of 40 - yeah I went there - psychotically running out to buy a pregnancy test because Mother Nature and Auntie Flo have decided to screw with me.

No, no -- GOD NO - I am NOT preggers!  Believe me, you'd hear my screams from every corner of the planet if I were.  Not that I don't love the wee ones, but I tried like a mad woman to be preggers & hold a pregnancy more times than I want to discuss - WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

At the tender age of, somewhere in between rockin' out hot chick and grandma needs her walker, I'm not ready to take the plunge into the wonderful world of maternity again.  Get it?!?!

Pregnancy Test:  The only test you truly WANT to fail at a certain age..
I know, I know -- a missed visit from Auntie Flo at my age doesn't necessarily warrant a psychotic run for prego test.  It's more a message that the older, bitchier Auntie Men-O-Pause is knocking.  Loudly!

Yes, I know you're there!  Can't you hear the stress and anxiety you've create in my voice when I yell at everyone & anything just because??

Your pending arrival is quite the joy.  Not just for me, but the entire family.

My husband has generously offered to spend more quality time at the office to avoid the stress your pending arrival is causing.

Oh, and the hot flashes??  Joy, I tell ya!

There's nothing I want more at 3 am than to peel the covers off my sopping wet body (gross) & run to the refrigerator just to feel the cold air.

That giant container of ice water looks awfully refreshing as well. 

Perhaps a wet t-shirt contest in the kitchen at 3 am?  Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, on the upside... Hmmm, Ok no upside. 

So I continue to kick and scream all the way through the aging process.  I'll stay on Miss Clairol's good side, load up on the anti-aging, anti-wrinkle creams & whatever the hell else I can come up with to keep things from wrinkling, sagging & moving places they don't belong.

What joy...  Yeah, so like I said... Getting older.   HATE IT!

Thank you for reading my blog!


Saturday, June 16, 2012

How to choose love carefully...

I've been thinking very carefully about how to write this particular post.  First, because I don't want to seem disrespectful to my hubby in any way - but also, because I didn't want to write anything that may be construed negatively.  It's truly written with good intentions from my heart.  If it seems negative, read on.

It's no secret, in my blogging, that my hubby was not my first love.  For God's sake, we met in our 30's.  He knows it, I know it - all of you know it.  It is what it is. 

He is my last & greatest love for sure.

Even though I always say that I wish I'd met him sooner in my life, I honestly believe that I would have screwed it up if I met him too soon.  I wasn't ready for the kind of wonderful and caring partner he is to me.  I was crazy, reckless and totally unsettled.  I made bad choices for myself.

It is for this reason I write this now.  For those of you looking for love (in all the wrong places.)

As the now older me, I can look back & say WOW - what the hell was THAT all about??  Sometimes I look on with a smile, other times in horror.

I've blogged about Gary several times.  He was my first true love, God rest his soul.  We didn't split because he died - we split because my dad helped me to see what I didn't want in a relationship.  That just because you love someone with your whole heart doesn't mean you're a good match.

For a while, I had a really good head on my shoulders with regards to what I wanted and didn't want in a relationship.  I always love, love, loved everyone - but it was always different than REAL love for me.  Hard to explain.

Before & after Gary, I dated the same person.  I gravitated back to that person because of heartbreak & familiarity.  When he & I first dated, we broke up because I just wasn't feeling it.  Then I started dating Gary, went totally gaga in love & that was that.  After Gary & I broke up - I went backwards - because of the friendship circle.  The familiarity.  It was a bad mix.  I knew it, he knew it.  He was lazy.  He quit school, didn't work and smoked entirely too much pot!  I stayed because I got to do my thing without questions and I always got to be with my friends.  It was comfortable.  I was young, dumb & I stayed in that relationship entirely too long.

It wasn't until Gary died that I actually broke free of him for good.  The "life is short" thing really hit home for me.  He went his way, I went mine.  Haven't seen or heard from him since.  I can't say that I didn't ever "love" him, because I did - just not the way I should have considering I spent so many years together with him.  I never considered it wasted time, but I've always felt badly that I held him back from real love.  If I hadn't ended it - he would have been fine in his complacency.

When I met my second love - I wasn't looking.  It was a total whirlwind that hit me like a ton of bricks.  I won't go too much into that all that, again out of respect to my dear hubby & because I've written about this before.  In any case, this one caught me totally off guard & I ignored all the warning signs to not fall.  He said he was jealous - bad fit for me, because I'm a social butterfly total flirt bag.  He lived across the country, I didn't care.  He said he hated Florida, I wanted to move to Florida.  He said that he was superficial & that freaked me out across the board, but I chose to ignore that too.  Truth is, I had no control over it.  I listened to & processed all he said to me.  I knew that we had big differences, but the heart took over.  My brain was out of the loop.  I remained loyal to that love for a VERY long time, when I never needed to be, with the hopes that things would turn around.  That his feelings would turn around.  (Yep, I got the ol heave ho that time.)

My heart was truly shattered.  More than I want to remember or go public with on blogNone of this is a negative on him.  He was never mean or bad or hurtful.  He was actually very sweet.  A good guy, really.  He was always very honest with me.  It just wasn't meant to be, and that's OK too.  To this day, I always say that I hope he's found someone who loves him as much as I did.

I went off the deep end after that & latched onto a really toxic relationship.  Really nothing was good - at all!  I was just messed up & didn't really care what happened.  I was in a bad place.  My fault, no one else's.  This time I got pregnant - got married & stayed in a really bad place for too long.  No elaborations here because it's not just my pain.  We'll just say - I got out & I got my "me" back.

Dating was never something that came easy for me.  I was asked out plenty, but I was always very particularEither I was immediately attracted to someone - or I wasn't.  If I did go out on a date with someone & I was turned off, that was it.  I didn't prolong the agony.  All of my relationships (with very few exceptions) were years long, not just days, weeks, months (except in high school & puppy love, of course).  When I really love someone, I stay put.  If I was in it, I was in it.

I continually gravitated to people who wouldn't hold me back in any way.  People who would let me go do my thing and not care where I was going or what I did, or who weren't around to complain about it.

I finally realized how messed up that was.  I took the time to step back & look at my life.  What I learned is that my two greatest mistakes life lessons were related to knock down, drag out heartbreak.  Death & loss that I couldn't handle.  That I didn't deal with properly.  I jumped into the whatever to put a band aid on the hurtI was broken.

I decided to take back control of my life.  To figure out exactly what I wanted/expected my life to look like & went back to what my dad taught me.  Then slowly, carefully rebuilt me.

As crazy as it sounds - the bad was good for me.

It was in my total brokenness that I was able to really see my husband.  The man who loves me how I need to be loved & lets me love him back.  The man who is secure enough about himself to let me be me & know that I know where I belong.  To trust me & be my partner.  To be the man I wasn't ready for 20 years ago.

This is what I want for all of you.  To look with not only your eyes and your heart, but listen to your head too.  The heart lies.  All love is good.  Great as a matter of fact - but not all relationships are. 

Find out what you REALLY want in another person. 

Not all heart break is bad, nor are the people who've broken your heart.  They're stepping stones to the great one.  There IS a great one.  Let down your guard.  Don't over think itRelax & enjoy and have fun!

If you feel like I'm directing this specifically at you...hmmmm, I may be.  I've got a few people in mind as I write this, people I love to pieces & feel deserve great love.  I'll surely never tell.

Just know that I love you enough to put this out there for you, because I want you to have it all.  Because you deserve it!

Thank you for reading my very long bloggie today!

Have a wonderful day!


PS.  As an aside here... this post was not supposed to fly at all... I haven't finished editing (which is what I was doing when I hit the publish instead of preview) and now I'm just too darn lazy to take it down.  Hope it's helpful to someone (even if it's written poorly)  Smoochies. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Happy Father's Day - to my dad & to all the dads out there

This is SO my dad!
Today, I'm thinking of my dad.

I guess that makes perfect sense since Father's Day is just this Sunday.

My dad was a very likable guy.  Generous, kind, silly - the voice of reason in many situations.  I like to think I got my heart and my sillies from him.

He never let people pick him down.  He put himself right out there and didn't care what people thought.  At least he didn't appear to.

My dad had an artificial leg, a "wooden leg" as he called it.  Many times we'd be getting ready to leave to go someplace & we'd be trailing out the door & my dad would stop dead in his tracks.  One of us would say, "What's the matter, daddy?" and he'd look up to the sky and very casually reply, "Checking for woodpeckers."  See, silly. 

He is the parent I try to be most like & the one I feel had the biggest influence on me.

For my dad, it was keeping the rest of us from doing stupid stuff!

He had a way of looking at things and seeing them through to the core.  Good or bad. If he thought it was something inherently bad for you - he'd have absolutely no problem telling you so, and he made sure to do so in a way you'd listen.

One very notable thing for me, toward the end of my dad's life, was in my relationship with Gary.  Now, my dad LOVED Gary.  Really!  Gary was my first love and my dad fully approved of him as my boyfriend.  He was a nice guy, he treated me well, he was respectful - but also because he grew up with Gary's dad.

Sometimes Gary would come to see me at my dad's on the weekends and he would end up hanging out back and talking to my dad for hours.  Many times I wouldn't even know he was there unless I went to hang out back with my dad.

So when my dad told us that we fought entirely too much to remain a "couple" we both listened.  We hated it, but we listened.  (eventually)

My dad knew we loved each other, but when we fought, it was knock down, drag out (nothing physical, of course) and neither of us backed down.  Dad saw that & sat us right down.  He talked to us - on his level.  He never forbade us to see each other.  He never said Gary was no longer welcome in his home.  He said, "You two fight entirely too much.  There is not enough love in the world to overcome a relationship where two people fight to the degree you two fight."

Dad was right.  The fun & love just wasn't enough.  Gary and I split as a couple - but remained close friends until the day he died.

It was also for that reason that when my dad died, Gary traveled from South Carolina to New Jersey to be there for me.  He had a great deal of respect for my dad.  Not just because our dads grew up together, but because my dad treated him with respect.

That was who my dad was.  He always maintained his role as authority figure, but still managed to be our friend.  He loved us all, and we knew it.

As a parent myself now, I know that's not easy when you're still actually raising your children. 

Now I'm married to an amazing man, who is also an amazing dad & step dad.  He put up with a lot of crap, and still kept on going.  I respect that so much.

I also respect all of you other dads.  Especially you single parent, dads.  Bless you all! 

I'm thankful for the influence my dad had on me, and I feel blessed every single day of my life that I had my dad for the time I had him.

He really was - one amazing soul!

With that, I end off saying - Happy Father's Day to to my wonderful husband, my daddy in Heaven & all you dads out there!


Thank you for reading my blog!


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Be who you say you are!

I'm not a pretender.

I am who I am.  What you see is (mostly) what you get.  Unless, of course I'm feeling uncomfortable in some way & then the freak comes out.  During the times I've got my whack-a-doodle switch flipped & I'd rather not be thought of as that person.  But that's a whole other story...

Have you ever heard the Brad Paisley song, "I'm so much cooler online"? 
Please, click the link & have a watch.

It's very funny and very true!  You really can be whoever you want to be here in this little cyber world behind your little keyboard & computer screen.  In real life, it's ALLLL you.

I'm far from a perfect person.  I don't try to pretend that I am and I don't try to make other people feel badly for not being so.  I screw up ALL THE TIME and I know it.
If I do something, I say I've done it.  If I say something, I say I've said it.  I don't pretend I'm better, because I know I'm not!  I can't keep up with all of that and I don't want to.  This is just what works for me.

No, it's absolutely NOT the most popular choice, but people always know where they stand with me.  As I've said before; If I love you, like you, hate you, if I'm mad at you, if you annoy me, if you're my friend, if you're not, etc. you will know it.  If I'm mad at you, worry not.  I have like a 30 second rebound rate to my anger.

I've got a few friends whom I've known for a long, long time and I know really well, who put on these airs like they crap glitter.  (and if you get mad at me, or think I'm pointing at you, ask me - because I'm probably not)  Well guess what, sweetie love - I know who you are.  I know your secrets.  I know your lies.  I know what goes on behind closed doors.  Why do you want to play the high & mighty, I'm better than you game with me?  I genuinely don't understand.  I would never throw anyone under the bus, but I'm not looking to lie down in front of that bus for your entertainment either.

Be who you REALLY are!  If people can't take it - that's their problem!

I've never hidden the fact that I'm Christian.  I may not be the best example of "What Would Jesus Do?" but I try to do what I'm supposed to do.  I truly love God & know that He loves me & wants the best for me.  My imperfections & all!

For sure I know that no matter where I stand with God - I have no business riding my high horse off into the sunset.

I know that behind this little keyboard of mine, I can be all mighty and pious as I stand here in my a la Joan d'Arc armor - sword in hand.  Truth is, I'm just me.  Maybe a little more subdued in real life (just a little).

The one thing I can say for sure is that I am who I say I am.  I do what I say I'm going to do.  I don't try to pretend I'm someone I'm not.  I'm not perfect and I don't want to be.  I'm just me.

Who ARE you?

Thank you for reading my blog!


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Obsessive?? Mmmmm, maybe...

Freud would have a ball with me....

I've never had the nerve to call my self "normal".  I fully believe that "normal" is relative - but even in a relative sense, I'm probably still considered more bat sh*t crazy than even remotely normal.

Yes, follow your 9 year old leader

I blame my early childhood & unbroken life patterns for my psychosis.

As a child, I was left alone quite often.  Not totally alone, I had my 2 little brothers to attend to.  (not better)  I had no choice but to get tough and be the strong one.  To figure stuff out.

If I was afraid, which I was all the time, I had to pretend to not be scared so my brothers weren't scared.  I had to take the lead and to be an example.
Ok, Yes I am.

Can you even begin to imagine the type of example a 9 year old me, with no example, had on 2 little ones?

After I got over all that, people started dying on me.  Not just random people - key people; My dad, my first love, friends.  This threw me into a tizzy.  I started clinging to everyone.  Stopped ending toxic relationships that should have ended, because I believed those people just needed to know they were loved - and we know I want to save the world.  I'd never let go of anyone EVER.

I was over the top.

This death stuff created the NEED in me to make sure that people knew how special and important I thought they were.

Even these days I try to stay in touch on a regular basis.  If I lose touch with someone (could they be hiding from me???  Hmmmm)
I reach out, just to say hi.

No, I don't want to keep you forever & wear you like last year's Versace, I just want to say hi and I haven't forgotten you.

One day, I sat back and started looking at my behaviors and thought WOW - that could be thought of as, well - creepy!

Am I a creeper??  Am I a stalker??  I like to browse Facebook pages...

Happily, after looking up those two definitions - I am NOT either of those (whew).  I may be am a bit obsessive though.  Hmmmm...

Here I think I'm just being Susie Sunshine & Happiness brightening the lives of those around me, when really people are thinking - "Oh Crap, here she comes.  What's up with that stupid grin on her face??  Is she going to come bouncing over here.. Ahh, yes she is.... Quick - look busy..."

Really, I'm being a bit tongue in cheek.  I have a lot more confidence & self esteem than I portray here.  Sadly, portions of this are true, or at least were at one time in my life.  Well maybe a few more times than once.  I do carry a lot of this stuff around with me.  I've just learned to tone it down some.

My brother's best friend, Pete, used to refer to me as "overly friendly" - that's about right, I suppose.  I'd much rather be thought of as a little crazy and an overly friendly goof ball than a downright nasty you know what...

I will most likely ALWAYS bounce over to you squirting sunshine & happiness whether I just saw you yesterday or I haven't seen you in 20 years.

Is it a little goofy and off the wall, yeah probably - will that stop me?  Nope.

Why, thank you!

I am obsessively in love with my friends.  I want to keep you close to me forever and ever.  Just not like last year's Versace.... Get it?  Good!

And then I will tone it down and go about my merry little way.

Thank you for reading today's psychosis.

Have a fabulous day!

See, THIS is what writer's block does to me...
It makes crazy, what the heck did I just read blogs...Aren't you glad you stopped by?