Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Keeping myself in check...
I am who I am.
I continually screw up and trip over my tongue & say stupid stuff, or have moments of bizarre insecurity - BUT I stay true to me. It's all I can do, and I am comfortable with the person that I am.
If you've been reading me for a while, you probably know that I went through a really weird time in my life. Almost a year of just bizarre behavior that was medically related. Many things I'm still pretty embarrassed by, relationships damaged and some things I've not gotten beyond. This too shall pass.
It's this blog that's helped me sort through my wackiness. To see in black and white the "Holy CRAP, I've gone totally bat sh*t crazy."
It's what helped me to do something about the crazies and make it through to the other side.
Nothing during that period of time was easy for me. I spent a lot of time on an emotional roller coaster watching this other person just be nuts & not be able to control it. It's something I hate to admit. It's so NOT me. I truly wish I could just dig a giant hole and get rid of it. Sadly, it just is. The collateral damage will either sort itself out or not. I've done my best to make amends and have finally learned to stop apologizing.
Even though during the summer months I feel better, I need to be constantly aware of how I'm doing off the medication - because that's when I push myself harder. That's when I do stupid stuff (like moving the wood pile for my husband for Father's Day) and suffer for days afterward. That's when the pain kicks in and I need to be reminded - as much as my body can't handle the pain - I'm medication sensitive & need to find another way to deal with it. Period!
Sure, I could very well cave in & take pain medication. I have a genuine need and prescription for it, but I need to be responsible for what I want and don't want in my life. I don't want to be a whack job!
I review all of this from time to time - out here for all of you to see. It keeps me accountable.
I know some of my friends really enjoyed the "Ass Hat Show" - but me, I'd much rather be me. All of me - the good, the bad and the wacky all on my own.
Thank you for your love & support and as always, thank you for reading my blog!