Would you die for love?

Before I go on, this post isn't going to be some lovey dovey outpouring of love and romance.  At least not the way you may be thinking.

This post is going an entirely different direction.

You could leave if you'd like, but I'd rather you stay.  Grab a cup of coffee & your reading glasses if you need them.

Get comfy & put on your open minded hat.

Now you know that I'm not the type to cram my beliefs down any one's throat.  I'm also not a stellar example of how you should be.  I'm more the example of do as I say, not as I do.  I'm working on that.

I am not at a cross roads of faith.  My faith is strong and I believe wholly and completely that the greatest love of all saved me from myself.

My cross roads is with my own mortality.  My I want it and I want it now.  My selfish little self and my own failure to forgive and move forward.

(I'm getting "naked" again)
My downward spiral started exactly July 31, 2011 - which was the 24th anniversary of the day Gary died.  Normally - I'm not so challenged with that date.  I remember, I reflect and I move on.  This year,that date rolled in and through the entire month of August all the way through September.

August should be the BEST month of ever for me, since that's when I was blessed with my beautiful daughter.

Instead, this year, it represented the births & subsequent deaths of the 4 most important men in my life when I was younger; My dad, my step dad, my brother & Gary, the first major love of my life in my teens.

This, along with what I considered a mile stone birthday set me into a downward spiral, which has lasted several months.  A melt down that has made me face things and people in my life that hurt me.  Things I regretted.  Things I wasn't proud of.  Secrets I've kept.  People I've hurt & people I should have been more grateful to while they were there.  I've also struggled with health issues that brought me down even further.

During all of this, I've separated myself from the One Person Who loved me more than anything.  The Person Who died for me.

I'm sitting here pissing and moaning about all the things I don't have - and Jesus had it all, and let it go - for me.  For us.

Do you know how powerful that is?  I really hope that you do.

Yes, I am Christian.  I grew up in the Catholic faith, became severely dismayed & began attending the local Baptist church. That was the best move we made for our family.

You could click x here & quit reading, but those of you who know me personally can see the positive change in me, compared to 10 years ago.  I am much happier in my life.  I had plenty to be happy for prior to being saved, but there was a shadow over me.  A shadow that seemed to block me from appreciating the wonder in my own life.

That shadow is right now standing in my path & trying to pull me down again, but I know - Someone actually died for me.  Gave it all up and succumbed to being tortured and killed...for me.

I can't say for sure that I would ever do that.  Well, yeah - I would die for my kids.  I'd take a bullet for my husband and best friend, well most anyone I care about - but I'd worry about who would take care of my kids, so I'd try to be sure it didn't hit a major organ or artery.  ;)

Seriously, think about it.  Would you ever REALLY die for love?  How about for someone you don't even know?  For someone that's not even born yet?  I'm not sure I could - as a matter of fact - I couldn't.  I'm a totally selfish, self centered human who thinks God owes me a life.  What a brat I am!  He doesn't owe me a thing, but I owe Him everything.

I know some of you are non-believers.  I know some of you are totally anti-religion.  Some anti-Christian, or just not Christian.  I'm not trying to convert anyone.  I'm not good at it.  I'm just me and as I said, I'm the perfect bad example.  A perpetual work in progress.  One step forward, two (sometimes three) steps back.  Someone who truly appreciates you getting this far.

I do believe that most of you have at least heard of  and maybe even believe in Jesus, at least Jesus the man.  Most of you believe the stories you've heard or maybe even the stories you read.  I believe He is there.  He loves me & He gives me all I've got.

I ask you to just think again, would you die for love?  Now think about how powerful that really is.

I am a selfish, self centered, totally imperfect, really bad example, who messes up over and over again - and Jesus loves me anyway.

That is just amazing to me!  I hope it matters to you.  If not, I hope I've got you thinking.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

PS.  Side note from me...  I just want to thank everyone who is so supportive to this post.  This was very difficult for me to write & especially to post for many reasons.  I love you all!  Thank you xxoo