Open Letter to My "Beloved" Medical "Professional"

Disclaimer:  This is most definitely a rant, riddled with sarcasm.
If you feel you may be offended by it's content, please do not go further.

Additionally, if the made up word "Jackwad" seems offensive to anyone - I apologize.  I heard it and thought it was funny & decided to use it.  I miss a lot, so if it means something really awful, please let me know so that I can change it.  For everyone else...enjoy my maniacal rant.

My Dearest Dr. Jackwad,

First of all, I'd like to thank you for giving me the ability to enjoy a nice long nap whilst waiting for you in the examining room.  A power nap is always appreciated, but could we please turn the heat up a bit next time?  It's a little cold hanging out in just that flimsy little gown.

Oh, and I'm truly sorry that your wife locked herself out of the house.  I can see how incredibly important that was to MY appointment!  That extra hour and 22 minutes gave me time to contemplate where to hide my own key in the event of a lock out.  I'm grateful for that, really.

Please don't sweat the argument you began with me about that medication you prescribed to me.  You're absolutely correct, I forget things.  Got it.  I'm sure that it's much nicer to make me look bonkers, rather than actually taking the heat for not updating your own chart.  You were indeed a stellar example to your intern.

Oh, and about the chart -- since I'm pretty much just a chart anyway, please allow me introduce myself.  Hi, I'm Jenn, your patient.  Hi, hello...Over here...Good, I've got your attention.

Generally I'm an easy little patient.  Sometimes, just sometimes - I actually need to ask a question.  I'm so terribly sorry to have thrown your day into an uproar by expecting to actually be examined and hear how my tests were.  Yeah, the ones from 5 months ago.

It must have been incredibly difficult for your office to remember to fax me over that little blood work prescription that I called and emailed 6 times for in the past month and a half.  But sure, no problem - tell me about my blood work results from back in October instead.  I'm sure they'll do just fine now, in February.  Oh, no time?  Sillly me.

Wow, and I though I was forgetful.  But then, I also create prescription scenarios in my Lupie little brain to create havoc for you.  Shame on me.

Don't you worry...I don't mind your arrogant attitude at all.  I was totally unaware that you had a high degree in being God.  Here I though you were a medical "professional" who studied diseases.  Had I known you were God himself, I'd have spared myself the hour and a half ride down to the armpit of this lovely state and just lifted myself up in prayer.  That would have been a much better option, wouldn't it?

Since we've already touched on my creative little brain making up prescriptions - let's discuss your aversion to actually writing out prescriptions.  Holy Crap!  I had no idea that actually requesting a written prescription would be such an issue.  By all means, please feel free to blink them into existence.  I can wait.  I've been here for two hours anyway.  When will dinner be served?

You've understandably been hurt.  Please know that your line "perhaps you've been seeing other doctors" really cut me to the quick.  You know you're my one and only.  See, let me show you my little iPhone.  See, that's your name, right there on the prescription at the online pharmacy's website, isn't it??  Yes, yes...that's right - on the prescription you would NEVER give me.

There, there... I know how devastating it must be to you to have so many of us just up and leave you.

Could it be your bedside manner?

I know that you were grumpy, but couldn't I have at least gotten a kiss on the cheek before you told me to get dressed and get out?  Not only did I not feel the love, but my dreams of streaking through the hospital were shattered.  Darn you!

Clearly I'm just a naughty little patient.  How dare I actually WANT to know the results of my almost 5 month old blood work, or even dare to let you know how I'm feeling.

Really - it should be about you.  Doc, please tell me about YOU.  How are YOU, Dr. God?

I realize that I ask for entirely too much during my $295 visit.  I should really learn to be more considerate.

Perhaps I should go bug that other doctor less than 10 miles from my home?

I know she may not be God in the flesh - but maybe I won't be as much trouble to her.

Thank you ever so much for taking time out of your incredibly busy schedule to meet me for my scheduled appointment.

You go ahead and have a wonderful day now.


Sincerely,
The Loopy Lupie