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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Peeking through my own back door....

Every once in a while, I am called upon to do something that may put me in an uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes I'm really excited, but apprehensive and others I'd just assume skip altogether.  Yet I do what needs to be done - because that's me.

I need to be delicate as I write this, because while I shouldn't really give a flying frog about who may get hurt, I actually do.  Why???   Because I'm a FLIPPIN' SUCKER, that's why!

Advance disclaimer, I love each and every one of you - and while your jaws may hit the floor or you may gasp at some of the content - this is a total vent.  Silent hugs welcome, but please no open acknowledgements.  Deal?

OK... soooo, I was invited to an event that I was incredibly honored to attend. This event also had attendees whom I would rather stay far, far away from - forever.  Others, I just need to deal with and I did so in a, let's call it "business casual" sort of way, as emotionally removed as humanly possible.

That emotionally removed part - you may as well take that and throw it as far as possible, because I am extremely emotional being and tend to the sensitive side in some situations.  This was one of them.

One thing I've learned from my son and from the chickadees that pass through our home, is that no matter how incredibly bad, wrong, screwed up or even evil a child's parent may be, the child will STILL jump through hoops to impress, please and do all they can to try to make their parent love them.

...This weekend, I was that child.

I'm physically holding back tears as I type this, because all of my life - I never understood how I became the outcast in my own family.  I've always been the caretaker, the one to keep everyone safe and together.  The good one.  The one who went to school, who did what they were supposed to.  The one who was strong and responsible through it all.  I just don't get it.

Some of my very old friends, like Pam & Jill, for instance - will read this & say, "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION?" They know me, they know my life. They've seen things first hand & remember events I'd blocked out of my brain. They get it, they know.

The fact is that this weekend wasn't about me, it was about someone else whom I respect.  I'd have done back flips through the base if asked to.  So yes, I put myself in the line of fire and conducted myself respectfully... And fired at I was.

Not directly - or even blatantly at first.  Subtly.  Little jabs here & there leading up to the one final blow.  The TKO.

Mostly I ignored things.  I am very secure with the person I am.  I know I've accomplished a great deal in my life.  Much more than this other person.  I know that I'm a much better person, with better morals and true love in my heart.  I know how far I've come without the help that normally comes along while growing up.  I smiled through it and instead bought drinks, declined the offer to have one purchased for me.  I am too strong to be put down by subtlety.

And then it came.  Moments before we were scheduled to leave to go home.  Aim, Shoot... Bulls eye. Right through the heart.

Taken down by this short string of sentences, delivered to my husband, as I sat beside him with our girls.

"Thank you so much for taking on Jennifer and her son.  It must have been so awful and difficult for you. (as if we were some horrible diseases)  After the mistakes she's made, it's about time she found someone like you."

'cuz ya know - I walked into walls all day long with no direction up until that point. (no offense to my hubby,whom I adore)

Ugh!  Really?  No recognition for the hard work & personal struggles I've been through, ya know whilst raising myself.  No good for you - no atta girl.  Nothing, zilch, zip, nadda.

Ignored was the memory of me - at 7 caring for and raising myself and my two younger siblings.  Ignored were all the times I'd had to cover up for things that had been done. Things I had to hide from my brothers, from my father - so he wouldn't leave, situations I'd been inserted in to deal with things that a child from 7-12 should never have to deal with.
No accountability for the fact that this 7 year old basically raised herself into adulthood.
-just the broadcast of my mistakes, as the ever blaring slap in the face, that in the eyes of that being, I am unworthy of anything.
Words delivered by the one person, whom a 47 year old, seemingly intelligent adult was trying to impress, like a small child.
To gain respect - love - or even a good for you.

Suddenly, my backdoor was kicked wide open.  The flood of pain came rushing back to present, and remains as I type this out.

For this experience will make me hug my kids a little tighter.  I will continue to be a little tough on them, to teach them to be strong individuals who can protect themselves in the face of this kind of emotional torture - but at the same time - have a strong knowing that their mother loves them.  Truly, madly, deeply - forever.  No matter what.

I've taken a step back lately from many situations.  A few situations where I've had my feelings hurt. Places where I've felt - well, not as important as I thought I was.  Though it should be pretty obvious, the silence has made me realize where I stand in so many areas of my life.

This particular situation has walled me up good and tight to protect myself from the people I think I can trust.

Because when it comes down to it, there aren't a lot of people who will put someone else before themselves.

I've gotten a great big view of that.

This too shall pass....

For now, I leave you with the tears of a clown.

Smoochies, my loves.


...and you thought Mr. Fifty Shades of Grey was messed up :)


  1. so sounds like my mother (this person you speak of)... and I too am the black sheep, nevermind my two brothers who....well, nevermind. I don't know you personally, but from what I have read in your blog, you are a strong woman and a good wife and mother. We must ignore people like this who never see the good, but for some reason only find fault.
    The words cut deep, I know.

  2. ((((hugs)))) That's all I have to offer tonight. Cyber love. You are a fighter. You are a survivor.

  3. Geesh Jenn, that was a very cruel comment. Darrin also "took on" my pregnant self and Steven, but nobody ever, ever said anything like that to me. Terrible! Of course you are hurt. I am sorry you had to hear that. You know in your own heart that it isn't true.Just lift your chin a little higher.

  4. I've learned many things over the years, one of them being that just because you may have the same blood in your veins, doesn't mean a thing. People are people. Some you like. Some you don't. I've decided to let go of the people that don't respect me for me. Those are the people that are miserable themselves and want to bring you down with them. I choose to stand tall and at times, yes, it does hurt because in all fairytales, family is supposed to stick together, but you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. I'm sorry you had to be put in the line of fire and I know how much it must have hurt you but know that you have overcome so much in your life, on your own and you are a phenomenal woman, wife and mother because of it. Love you! xoxo

  5. Dear Jennifer, Some things will never change. At least you know you are happy. People say negative things because they are unhappy. Leave it at that. You are one of the most wonderful, sweetest, smartest persib whom I have ever met. You took such wonderful care of Tom when he needed you most, and not because you had to but because you loved him. It was wonderful when Wags came into your life. You both compliment each other. I am filled with pride to be a part of your family. Love to you and all, June

  6. Oh my God, Jenn. In that one small sentence, my heart just broke for you. How awful a thing to say! Let me just tell you that from the brief emails that we've exchanged, I believe that you are a strong and amazing woman, and that you've done a fantastic job of getting yourself to where you are now. Your children are lucky to have you as a role model and for guidance, and your husband is lucky to have you as his wife. I am lucky to have 'met' you, however briefly it has been. You rock out loud, my sistah, and I hope to continue this cyber-friendship and hope to meet you and shake your hand and tell you that you are loved and admired by more than you probably know.

    Stay strong!!


  7. Ho hum... no one read my disclaimer :) Thank you all so incredibly much for the love. Even if you made me puddle several times, your support means so much to me :) Love you to bits! xxooxxooxxoo

  8. I was never really good at following directions. Sorry.


    1. Yeah, well since I'm a total "tis better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" type of gal - it's all good. I appreciate the support. :) xxoo

  9. OKAY......Just like when we were kids.....I am sure that Pam is thinking ths VERY SAME THING! WHO'S ASS am I going to kick for this??????

    You are a BEAUTIFUL person inside and out Jenn! It's a shame that they really don't know you! And that it is AMAZING that you grew into the wonderful person that you are WITHOUT THIER HELP!

    I love you Sista and will ALWAYS be here for you!


    1. Oh, my dear, sweet Jill... I just laughed, cried & snorted all at the same time from your response - because mentally, I just saw you flip into protective friend/mommy mode. (and I know the mental picture of laugh, cry, snort will make you spit any liquid you may be drinking across the room, lol) I knew you'd understand all of this. I love you girlfriend - You've probably lived and seen more than anyone in our lives! Thank you for always "rescuing me via the fire escape". I miss you & I'm sending you a big giant hug. Love you, love you, love you!!

  10. We all made it out of childhood, because, we all had each others backs! Thank GOD I didn't take a of sip of my coffee before I read your response! LOL

    The fire escape, LOL, I would kill my kids if I caught them playing on one! It is amazing that we made it out of childhood with some of the TRULY STUPID crap that we did! LOL

    Hugs right back at you! Love ya!!!!! xoxo

    Jill :-)


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