Getting a little more than you bargained for....

I go back and forth on the reason WHY I actually blog...

When I first started blogging, I was going through a rough patch with Lupus.  I felt like total crap. There was so much going on in my life & I needed an outlet.

If you've been reading me long enough, you know that I don't like to play the poor, poor, pitiful me game.  This will NEVER be a full on Lupus blog.

It will never be any one thing.

Let's face it, I'm a hot mess.  I know this.  I've got years of blog fodder just in my screw ups that led me to where I am today.

It is what it is.  You can either laugh or cry.  If you cry, you'll have to keep fixing your make up and your face will be a puffy red mess.  Ewww!

I'll laugh.  It's way more fun.  You can laugh too, it's OK.
I'm used to being laughed at... Um I mean with.

In reading other's blogs, you kind of see what everyone's "niche" is.  I didn't have a "niche."  Then I realized - I don't need one.  I just need to be ME.  I'm my own totally dysfunctional little niche.  Ain't life grand?

I've come a long way in my little life.  I'm not saying I've got it figured out.  I haven't.

For certain I always want to help, to make a difference by somehow taking the absolute shit in my life & putting it out there in a way that it may help someone else.  I think it's important for other people to see the "Hey, if that tripping, bumbling mess of a woman got through it, I can too."

When I was younger, I was totally that needy, clingy person.  I hate that.  I hate to say it "out loud."  I hate to look back and see all the stuff I just put up with just to feel loved.

I look back on that "me" and think WOW.  How sad. How many times did I allow myself to be treated badly?  Just to feel think I felt loved.

I'm so thankful that I've come so far beyond that.


I see it in my "short one" and it scares the hell out of me.  If she becomes a permanent fixture in our lives, it will take so much work to make this little girl believe that she's worthy of love just by being who she is.

I look at her and I see me at her age.  I see this little person craving love and attention.  I see the teenage me I grew into & the young 20 something.  I cringe.

I KNOW that I was no piece of cake.  The loving caring person I am now is the same person I was back then..  but on crack.  :)  Metaphorically, not actually.

Back then, I would lay down all I was for another person just to get an ounce of love and attention.  If they were mean to me, clearly I wasn't trying hard enough.  I needed to do more and more - until the inevitable.  They couldn't take being smothered.  They couldn't take the needy me and they moved on or they just wore down and gave in.
That was very significant since the relationships I'd formed were long term.  What was worse is that when they wore down and gave in, I lost interest.  It was a vicious cycle.  Almost an unplanned game where there was no winner.  I'm not proud of that.

I hate to look at that part of who I was.  Hate it.

In the long run, I needed to be hurt, broken & made to be jaded.  I needed to grow up and I needed to learn that I am ME.  I am a great me.  If I give from my heart, it should just be for my love of others - not expecting to receive love in return.  For the simple joy of giving.

It's taken a long time.

In some ways, I'm still that person and will always be - but now I know why I do what I do.

Because I love.  From the heart.... Just because.  Simple as that.

...and THAT is why I blog.

THIS is my imprint on this planet.  My "niche."

Giving you a little more than you bargained for, just for the sake of love & knowing one person may relate and feel a little better about themselves.

Lots of love,

Jenn

~I've had a difficult time getting this out of my brain and through my fingers.  I hope the message came across properly and it wasn't too muddy.  My brain feels muddy :)

Love from the heart.  Be you.  Let love come to you and do from your heart expecting nothing in return.  You are the best you you can be and that's AWESOME!