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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Unknown...

I was jarred awake by a horrific nightmare at 4 am.... The same nightmare brought about an extreme sense of motherly protection not only for my 6 year old foster child, but for someone whom I have never met, but feel a great sense of protection over.

It's as terrifying typing this out now, as it was living it in my dream.

It never seems as terrifying on paper to see the terror this dream created, or the raw emotions that brought me to tears bringing forth the feeling that - I must protect.

I can still feel myself holding the door closed.  Doing all I can to put all my strength against the heavy oak door.  Shielding others.  Pushing my back up against the door, using my leg muscles to push harder - all while reaching for the lock and the chain.  Terrified that my efforts wouldn't be enough - that my little one would be snatched away and put in terrible danger.  That I wouldn't be able to save her or my other sweet friend from the dangers that lie on the other side of the door.

The other side of the door was... unknown.  Not knowing what to do or how to effectively save these individuals whom I feel so protective over.  My wanting to save them from this terrible - awful, unknown.

I try to make sense of all of this as I type it out.  Nothing comes together.  I have flashes of faces in my mind and feel the anxiety that I can't help.  I don't know how to.  I don't know if I'm supposed to.

As a parent, I face new and different things every day.  At one point I was sure that I had this whole parenting thing down.  My son was challenging, but he is an amazing young adult.  My daughter is an amazing light full of brightness and joy.  The short one, an adorable bundle of energy - and my newest challenge.  My "unknown."  My ward to protect.

As I go on with my morning - I feel a sense of ease, knowing that it was all just a terrible dream.

Knowing that I can only do what I can do, and that's just to love.

...even the unknown

Thank you for reading my blog.


1 comment:

  1. Don't worry, Jen, it's nothing but a dream, no matter how real it felt. Some people beieve in the dream inerpretation sort of stuff. I don't. It's just stress and worries, conscious or unconscious, that manifest themselves in the calmness of our sleep. Either that or 'pigging out' late at night before sleep, as we say in Greece!


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