Answer to the Cranky Old Man... Well, How was YOUR day?

I like to read other people's blog posts.  Well, DUH, I'm a blogger.  I'm not THAT self absorbed that I only  write my own and expect the world to bow down at my feet.  OK, maybe a little.

While reading over at the Cranky Old Man's page and came across his post "How Was Your Day?" (You can read that post by clicking on the blog title).  I thought it would be fun to "rebut" his post from the perspective of the Millennial Mom.  No disrespect, of course...

So, Joe - thank you  for indulging me.

Please go on over to the Cranky Old Man' page.  He's pretty cool for a cranky old guy.

Dear 70's / 80's Dad:

I'm not even gonna ask how your day was, because I'm quite sure it was sheer H.E.L.L.!

Can I tell you?  I'd trade places in a second!  Maybe with you, because being a stay at home mom is a bitch too!

Let me share my day with you and give you a little run through in the day of a "Millennium Mom"  - A Millennium working mom.

5:30 am - The hubby has just left for work, so I decide that it's also time for me to get up.  I stumble out of bed and head directly toward the coffee maker.  Feed the cat & work to caffeinate quickly.  I have an hour and a half of peace and quiet until the heathens wake and disrupt the sanctity of my morning.

7 am - They're up and already fighting because one got to the toilet quicker than the other.  For the love of all that's holy - go pee in the other toilet kid.  While trying to ignore the incessant bickering, I prepare clothing for children's school day, pack lunches, get breakfast on the table and hit the shower.

7:15 am ish - My gosh, they're arguing AGAIN.  Mommmm she's copying me.  I try to ignore and quickly hide in my room to dress and prep for my day.  Knock, knock, knock - MOMMMMM  I need YOUR mirror.  Ugh...  #2 How come SHE can come in your room but I can't?

7:45 am - Crunch time.  Are they dressed?  Is their hair brushed?  Teeth brushed?  Beds made?  Do I have lunches in the back pack?  Is my lunch prepared?  Crap - what will dinner be...  let's take out chicken.  Yeah, chicken will do.  Heathens in unison, "Chicken AGAIN?  We just had chicken.  I want Spaghetti OOOOO's."  Is it too early for wine?  Will they frown upon a wine-o at work?  Just a random thought...

Still racing through the house ... the 8 am "Get the Led out" is on the radio. I have 5 minutes to have them at the bus stop.
Husband calls.  "Hey, I just called to say good morning.  What are you doing?"
Ohhhhh, you know - I'm just sitting here with my feet up, awaiting my full body massage & eating bon bons.  You?  (Yeah, that's sarcasm.)  Crap, the bus is here.  Gotta go - bye.

I grab the kids and race to the bus stop.  The short one, of course left the bedroom light on and didn't brush her hair. The 10 year old thinks that a hoodie is perfectly acceptable to wear in 10 degree weather.  Lord help me.

Fortunately, I remembered to warm up my truck - but... I still need to shut down the stuff the kids left on, lower the heat... all those things I do to be a frugal mommy.  I get into my car and hit the highway where there is, of course, traffic.  And CRAP - I forgot to actually take that chicken out of the freezer.

I live North.  North is where we city folk move to get away from the city. There is one major highway,  which means that every idiot on the planet is hitting the highway the same time as me.  I also have road rage. I get cut off about 3 times and selfishly giggle to myself when the jerk behind me rear ends me, mentally thanking my husband for leaving the trailer hitch on.  How's your grill buddy?  I digress.

I intentionally get to work 15 - 20 minutes early to settle in.  Not today, today I come in - to a ringing phone.    I rush to turn off the alarm and grab the phone.  It's the "Mother Ship" a.k.a. our parent company.  They're mad.  They want to know why XYZ was shipped to Puerto Rico when it should have gone to Venezuela.  I'm not in the shipping department, but since I am who I am there... I do the work.  No one's happy.  Three customer calls, one angry sales person call and 4 angry "alien" calls - I am either shaking from anger, stress or too much caffeine.  Hard to tell.

2:30 pm - I leave the office & race home to get the children off the bus. Ugh, dinner.  Wendy's it is...

3 PM - Kids exit the bus - bickering.  Can I go to so & so's house?  I have Girl Scouts.  Can you bake 956 cup cakes by 4 pm for my Girl Scout meeting.  I said you'd do it.  I have cheer leading, I have karate.  OMG. Calgon take me away.

3 days a week the short one has counselling.  2 days a week the older has cheer practice.  1 day a week there is tumbling.  Let's throw karate and cheer competitions in there as well.  All activities perpetually over lap one another, so I'm in and out of the house daily until about 8:30 pm.  I squeeze in dinner, a few loads of laundry, run the vacuum, dishwasher, pay the bills and whatever else needs to be done.

8:30 PM -  I finally get home.  Hubby is perched at the dining room table reading the paper and wondering where dinner is.

So, how was YOUR day?

Ever sincerely,
The Millennial Momma
(formerly stay at home mom / single mom)

I hope you enjoyed my slightly tongue in cheek version of my day.  I'd love to say this is total fiction - but sadly this is, mostly, an actual day in the life.

Cheers :)

Again, thank you to Joe for indulging me and thank you all for reading my blog!

Have a great day!

~Jenn

**  As a side note, this blog post is in no way meant to put Joe "in his place".  I absolutely adore Cranky Old Man.  He reminds me of my dad & step dad while I was growing up - except, ya know - he'd be my really cool uncle since he's too young to be my dad.  No disrespect :) Thank you again, Joe for indulging my sillinesss. **

Dear Me: Part 2 - You are worth it

 Everybody has insecurities of some sort, spurred on by the deep dark things in their lives that made them who they are & created certain fears. Visible or invisible.

Me?
I have mommy issues.
Yep, honest and truly - at my age I still have mommy issues.  Most of my issues, I'd ignored until the short one came into our home and I realized that she is a shorter version of me.  Well, parts of who I used to be.

NO, my mother was nothing compared to what her mother is (and that is a positive for me), but I get the short one's "stuff".  I get her insecurities and I get why I've done some of the things I've done in my life.
The things that I see her doing makes it all so clear to me now...

So part two, "You ARE worth it", is not only for my short one - but also for those of you out there with mommy issues or insecurities that you don't realize you have.  The things that give you that little twinge of the "I'm not good enough."

As a woman and a mom of girls, I get the importance of mother / daughter relationships.

There were many times in my life that I longed to have a bond with my mother.  I don't ever want my girls to feel they don't have a closeness with me.  I strive for this bond with them.

I wasn't always secure in my own skin.  Sometimes I'm still not, but I am who I am and I'm good with me.

When I was younger, I longed to be the daughter of a mommy who took an interest in me and my life.  Someone who taught me what it was like to not just be a woman, but to be a wife, a mom, a friend.  I longed to have the mother who believed in me, who wanted me to succeed.  Someone who did things with me and supported me.  Someone who told me I was good, strong and worth it.  Someone who was my biggest cheerleader.  Many of these things I had to figure out on my own and do for myself.

I'm not here to bash my mother.  We all have issues and she had her own mommy issues that made her who she is.  I get that.  I forgive that and I know that it's not my fault she didn't know what to do with me.

Seeing the short one's actions, I often get upset for her.  She is a very needy little person.  Very sweet - very affectionate and very love starved.  I see her vulnerabilities & others do too.

These are the types of issues that allow women like me, young girls like the short one and others in a similar position to settle for less than they deserve in their lives.  To twist yourself into a knot to gain the love and attention of someone, anyone.  Something that takes years to figure out that you deserve more - you are worth it.

I get this... If you don't feel you have the love or connection with the person who carried you into this planet - how could you possibly bond with anyone else?

Deep huh?

Listen, I KNOW that I was awkward as heck when I was younger.  I had my outward facade, but I didn't know how to mask it as much when I was young.  I could only carry the presentation so far until the weirdo came out.  This is the stuff I strive to save the short one from.  The things that I am trying to help her to get control over.  Not change her, but let her realize that not everyone will embrace her inner weirdo.  To not settle for less than she deserves.

That happens a lot you know...  I can remember hearing on the radio a while back, Howard Stern I believe, where he would say to go for the girl with the crappy home life because they're an easy mark.  Wow.  That sucks - but ya know what, it's that longing for love and acceptance that puts women in that vulnerable position.

Don't think for half a second that you're hiding it.  It's plain as day and will be there until you look in the mirror and decide - I DESERVE MORE.  I AM WORTH IT.

Getting over whatever it is that brought you to the point of feeling inadequate isn't always an easy road.
I settled many times through out my life.  I often accepted or settled for less, because for a very long time, I didn't realize that I deserved more.

Every single person on this planet has a purpose.  There may always be someone trying to knock you down - to tell you that you're "not".
I'm here to tell you that you ARE worth it.

Don't ever settle for less than what you strive for.  Don't believe those who tell you that you can't or that you are unable, unworthy, undeserving.

You ARE worth it!

As always, thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

How to age gracefully without falling on your face...

As IF...  she says in her best Alicia Silverstone voice from the movie Clueless.  I don't want to age!

I may not know much about being graceful or not falling on my face, but I do know a little bit about getting older...aging.  And yes, it sucks.  Beats the heck out of alternative, though.

It's already been established - I'm no spring chicken anymore.  Ugh!  Even typing out in this blog that I'm almost 50 makes me want to vomit.  Really.

Just the other day I was 20 something and out partying in the clubs until 3 am, catching a few z's, getting up for work at 6 and doing it all over again.  Now - I fall asleep on the couch by 10 pm - if I make it that far.  Seriously, WTF?

I can remember being an early 30 something & my 40 something boss blurted out that after 40 there's just not much elasticity in your skin anymore.  I was thinking - holy crap.  That sucks for her.  She'd better do something about that!

So, now here I am....40 something.  My teeter totter officially tipped toward the next zero a few years ago, and I'm rolling down hill fast to that big 5-0.  No, I'm not graceful about it.  I've chosen to ignore it!

I've still got a few more years before I actually get to 50 - but when they say time marches on, they really got it right.  What they neglected to say is that it marches right straight across your face.

This freaks me out.  I've adjusted to the fact that I'll never again in my life be a size zero.  That's cool.  I was much too skinny then anyway and I like a good ice cream Sunday as much as the next chubby chick.  Cheers, sweetie.  What I have issues with is LOOKING older.  A case of supreme vanity...

I've done OK so far.  If I do say so myself.  I've been complimented many times by people telling me they thought I was only 37.  Woot!  I'll take that!  I can't remember if there was alcohol involved - but who cares!  10 years younger is 10 years younger.  Talk young to me, baby.

For the most part, genetics have been kind to me.
Oh, no no no -- for my skin, only for my skin.  Fortunately I've been able to escape much of the other stuff floating in the family gene pool. Genetically, my family has great, youthful looking skin.  I don't take that for granted.

I'm going share some other stuff with you on keeping that youthful appearance.

Guys, you don't need to leave - you don't want to end up looking like Robert Redford either.  While he was quite the hottie in his day, he hit the wall hard much younger than he should have.  Robert not selling it for you?  Let's check Kris Kristofferson and Clint Eastwood.  We cool now?  Wanna keep reading?  Good!

Yeah, holy heck.  Right?

I will NEVER resort to the knife or allow people stick needles in my face.  The thought alone just freaks me out.  Yeah, I've heard the ol "Botox isn't bad." thing.  No thanks.  Have you ever seen the old lady in Real Housewives of Miami....  yeah - not for me thanks.

Let's just work with what we've got, shall we?

So here we go...
Cream up.  That's right - slather moisturizer all over your face.  Often.
Guys you don't wear make up - so you're good to throw that stuff on your face any time of the day.  The elements are brutal.  Not just sun exposure - but the cold winter air - brutal.  Get the good stuff like Eucerin or something.  Spend the money.  Put it on as often as possible.  Hands, face - whatever you want to keep young looking.  Keep in mind, it's not a magic potion and it will only do so much.

Women, take your make up off before you go to bed.  EVERY NIGHT - ALL OF IT!  Also, try to not wear sooo much of it that you look like a completely different person.  My daddy always told me that no man wants to wake up to a woman who's face is in the night table drawer.

Wash your face with baby wash.  Really!  I use baby oil for my eye make up & baby shampoo or baby wash for my face.  (be sure alcohol isn't in the ingredients.)  Heads up... baby oil in your eyes stings.  Ha, I just got a mental vision of you guys ala Mel Gibson in What Women Want.

After washing I put lotion all over my face, neck & chest.  I started seeing these little rings around my neck & upper chest...  Freaked me right out.

This won't make the wrinkly lines go away, but it will keep them at bay.

Drink water - LOTS OF IT.  Stay hydrated!  I'd love to be the first one to tell you that coffee counts, but sadly it doesn't and it dehydrates you.  Yes, you will be peeing like a race horse all day long - but your skin will glow.  It's also good for your digestive health, etc.

Stay out of the damn sun!  I am a former sun worshiper.  I was spared facial damage from the sun, but only because I've always taken care of my skin.  If you're going to go out put heavy duty sun screen on your face ESPECIALLY AROUND YOUR EYES.  Your eyes take a beating & are the first to wrinkle.

Speaking of eye wrinkles... Sunglasses.  Always.  Not just for the summer, but always.  I have a few pair everywhere.  Squinting makes wrinkles.  Even when it's not very bright out, you're squinting.

Let's move on to hair...  Some things we can help, some things we can't.
Genetics sometimes suck for guys.  No biggie....Really!  Just do us all a favor, yourself included.  Do NOT resort to the comb over or plugs or weaves.  If it gets so thin that you can't deal.  Shave it all off and grow a goatee!  Trust me!  It gives you a whole new edge & chicks dig it.  Have you seen pics of my hubs??  Au natural baby...  :)

Women - conditioner.  Condition, condition, condition.  Especially in the summer time.  Keep a little travel bottle in your beach bag with the suntan lotion.  Put it on your hair before you go in the sun & after you get out of the water.  Also, slather it into your dry hair before bed.

Teeth.... Another thing my daddy used to say... Be true to your teeth and they'll never be false to you.  Brush  & floss those bad boys - regularly.  Yes, FLOSS!  Don't skip dental appointments.  White teeth are fabulous.  All of them are even better.  Get it?

Oh, and no one likes chronic halitosis.  Invest in Altoids if you have an issue.

I'd like to tell you to lay off the sauce because it's just no damn good for you, but I just love my wine and I'm no hypocrite.  It's heart healthy!

Besides, alcohol has been helping...  Well - you know the rest.

I hope my ever flowing plethora of knowledge fountain has enlightened you in many ways.  Now go forth and be young fogies!

Cheers!

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

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Where the heck is that Parenting Manual??

I am on a roll with this parenting stuff lately...

Mainly because I'm so smart about all this (cough, cough).

It's funny writing these things out.  The words swirl through my head, but when they come out of my fingers and onto here it gives me a whole new HOLY CRAP realization...  sort of like I had the other day when I was discussing how my mother ripped me out of Catholic school & deposited me into the local public school.  Then I realized - WOW - I did the same thing to my son.
In my defense, totally different issues and I was really helping my kid, not myself.

ANY WHOOOO.
That whole thing gave me the realization that we tend to repeat the same patterns our parents did.
Some may call it the generational curse or sins of the parent...Me, I just call it learning what we see.

Hard to break those habits & learn what's good when what you grew up seeing wasn't fabulous.

I'm going to put this out there again because it's really the truth - I am NOT trying to throw my mother under the bus via my blog.  While it is true that we do not have a "real" relationship and haven't had one in more than 15 years, I know that she would agree that she didn't do her very best parenting with me.  I'm not trying to trash her because I truly believe that she didn't have a clue what to do with me after I was born.

That gave me the brilliant idea of discussing first kids.

As a top expert in the field of screwing up, I give you my theory on parenting your first child.

I was a first born.  I know that when my mother first had me, after the initial disappointment wore off that I didn't have a penis, she still looked at me and thought - OK - I have this kid.  Now what the hell do I do with it?

Really, Did any of you parent people get the instruction manual that comes along with your kid?  I still can't find mine.  The only thing I go on now is experience.

The experience that my beloved first born did not have the benefit of.

When I was a kid, there were many, many times I'd said, "Why does D get to do that???  You never let ME do that."  Well it's easy.  The first kid??  Practice.  Yup - I said it.  Practice.

Oh stop... I know some people are getting all up in arms right now thinking how awful it was of me to say that.  Tell me truth...  were you an expert with your first kid?  If you say yes, you're lying!

I know that I didn't know what the hell I was doing when I first had my son.  I just flew by the seat of my pants.  I knew he had to eat, be loved, be bathed, be changed... all of that normal nurturing stuff that came naturally to me.  BUT -- Oh, you can't let a 2 year old watch Scream??  My bad...
Yeah - stuff like that.  The what the hell are you doing's that startled the ever living crap out of me.  The stuff I truly didn't know what to do or how to do it!

I had nothing to compare being a parent to.  No prior experience.  No one guiding me through the specifics.  My childhood was pretty much a horror story.  At 7 years old, I mostly raised my brothers.  I could do this.  Yeah...No.  It was a learning experience.  Truth is that my brothers and I are lucky to be alive!  Pfft, 7 year old in charge.  What the heck?

With my son, I did everything I thought I knew on how to be a good mom - but the fact was, I didn't know what that was.  I was really good at the love part and all that other stuff... but play dates?  What the hell is that??  When we were kids, we were never home.  We just showed up at our friend's house and voila... play date.

I knew nothing.  Everyday was a new and different adventure.

It was only in experiencing the day to day life with my child that I learned to figure out what works and what doesn't.  Watching what other parents do & how they handle things.  How much freedom is allowed, how much is not, etc.  By the time #2 came along my darling son was 10.  I had 10 years of learning under my belt.

I never once dropped #2 on her head.  Never.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding... I never dropped my son either.

#1 is older now and he has made me so proud.  I refer to him as my magnificent creation.  He hates that, but he is a well adjusted young man, who has overcome his childhood.  Right, K? (insert nervous laughter here)

From time to time, he will look at what his little sister is doing and say, "I can't believe you let her do that!  You never let me do that..."

Well... now I know better.

Kids don't come with instructions!

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

Roots and Wings

When I was younger, I moved around a bit.

Not "military brat" moving around, but enough that it impacted me.

I spent the first 13 years of my life in one town.  I had my friends & my "go to" places.  Everything was familiar & I had a sense of security.

And then...
Just like that, the rug was ripped out from under me & I had to start all over.  Not just once, but twice in one year.

If you read my last post (Dear Me:  You're so much cooler online) you can pick right up and understand that moving around as a kid SUCKED for me.  I also didn't have a stellar childhood or family life, but that's a whole other topic & probably something for a mental health professional to sort out.

I totally get the mental image of being uprooted!  Imagine a tree that's planted & has been in the same spot for 13 years.  Then you rip it out of the ground and try to plant it someplace else.
Yeah, doesn't work out so well....It always struggles to re-root & thrive.

At 13, I was removed from the comfort of the school I'd attended since kindergarten & deposited (halfway through 6th grade) into the local public school, only to be uprooted again and deposited into the public school system in a whole new town mid 7th grade.  Twice in full year's time I had to start from scratch.

Not an easy feat.  Not only because I was scared to death - but again, I did not have a stellar home life.  I had no secure "safe place".  I had to figure everything out all over again.

This became my life lesson and main motivator when dealing with my own kids.

I have lived in the same area for the past 16 years, and chances are I'll live here for the next 12 years and until all children have graduated high school.

Before you get all impressed about my staying put for so long - my town is 80+ square miles.  I've had some room to roam in this town.

I love where I live and am now settled where I am, but as with any other town - there are issues.  It's about being on top of the issues, not moving your kids around.  Heck when I was in high school there were drug busts weekly.  My step sister lived in a more upscale town with a "better school".  The only thing "better" was that they had the better, more expensive drugs.  I digress...

When my son was little he started off, as I did, in the local Catholic school.  Wow, now that I'm writing this, I see it in a different way, hmm.  His start was similar to mine, except I kept him in the same town, with the same friends.  (You can do a lot with 80 square miles)  Anyway, in 3rd grade we had some issues with the Catholic school/church (you can read about that here) so I put him in the local public school & into a private school until high school.  I tried to keep things as even for him as I could.  Same friends, same area.  Our life was total chaos.  I did whatever I could to find as much normalcy for him as possible.  Roots.

I also slowly gave him small freedoms.  A few at a time so he could learn how to be without me.

He had no problem spreading his wings & of course got into some teenage trouble.  What teenager doesn't test the waters?  Happily, he is now a wonderful, well adjusted young man.

All kids will test the waters, but they need to learn to fail and fix it on their own as well.  They also need to know they have a soft place to land when it's too much for them to handle.

Now I have the girls.  My daughter & the short one.  If the short one stays (fingers crossed) she will also remain in this town until graduation.

My school of thought on this is that they develop a sense of security.  To some degree, they know what to expect.  Consistency.

These things didn't come easily for me as a child.  No, I didn't have the same home life that I work to give my kids now.  I had to "reset" so many times that it screwed me up a bit.

I had no consistency and in my young adult life.  I kept moving because that's what seemed normal to me.  All I had was wings without roots.

Each part is as important as the other.

The roots to know who you are, where you're from and what you stand for.

The wings to know that you aren't bound to your spot.  That you have the ability to soar.

Roots & Wings.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

Dear Me: You're soooo much cooler online.... really...

Despite the fact that sleep eludes me, I do my best writing when I first climb out of bed.

In my foggy existence, I can still recall the things that plagued me in my dreams.  The things that used to be and the realities of what are.

One of the wake up life realities??  I'm sooo much cooler online!

I think, to some degree, we can all relate.  Especially we blogger folks. HERE, online - the shades are down.  We can say whatever the heck we want & no one says much about it.  People don't know who we really are, what we really do.  We can hide behind the keyboard.  We can also let down the walls and be who we actually are with a little extra flare of awesome.

Truth?  I am a mess.  Really.  I know that at first glance it appears to people "in real life" that I've got my shit together.  That I'm insanely popular and was always this way.  I AM the chick that people can't wait to be friends with....

Ennnn, wrong (yeah, I couldn't figure out how to spell my sound effect.)

Let's start back in school.  I really CAN go all the way back.  I didn't fit.
At least that's how I felt.  I went to Catholic school.  I was ultra honest with the things that went on around me. Not only did I horrify the nuns on a regular basis, many of the kids would ask me why the heck I would say the things I said.  What?  I was just being honest.  I can't help it if the life around me produced jaw dropping responses.  That was part one - and that was also the part that prompted my mother to remove me from Catholic school, immediately if not sooner, and deposit me into the local public school.  Where I again - did not fit.

OF COURSE every one wants to be a part of the popular group.  Entering into the public school, one of the popular girls was the only girl I knew.  Not only was she the popular girl - but she was the queen of the mean girls.  I didn't get the whole "groups" thing, so even though I did have a circle of friends and a friend who was really super kind to me (Diane B, if you ever read this, you are this friend).  I finally started to feel like I fit & then.... Uprooted & moved onto another town.  I was there for like 5 minutes and gone...

Wanna talk about culture shock???

I went from knowing how to navigate my life and taking my brothers where they needed to be to a place where I knew nothing and no one. Uprooting us was not easy.  Separating us was worse, but that's another blog.

We moved anyway.
I had the same responsibilities, but knew NO ONE, except my cousin, Jill & the girl who lived downstairs when I moved across town.  I was totally naive.  TOTALLY!
This girl, though my age was having sex.  I was definitely NOT.  I think I was 13 or 14, I can't remember.  She had me totally convinced that being a virgin was totally uncool!  No, I didn't run out and rectify that - but I did lie about it.  Yeah, surrrreeeee  I've had sex.  Lots of it.  So now... as the new girl, meeting new girls - that put me in the big ol SLUT category.  Those girls never hung out with me again.  I moved AGAIN and never discussed my non-existent sex life again, but those stories did follow me.

I eventually found friends who were more like I was.  On some level, we all "fit" together - but ya know - there's always one queen bee who doesn't want your ass around and makes your life hell.  No problem.  I am who I am & always was.

The one thing that you all out there probably know by now is that I don't conform.  I don't fit, I move along.  I may try to twist myself in a knot to fit at first - but if I can't bend in a certain direction - I move along.  Even in my young teens, I knew that things just shouldn't be that hard - if they were, move along and dance to the music in my head.  There will be someone else who is dancing to the same song.

I, of course, did have friends.  Many actually.  Like minded, wonderful friends who I have kept all these years.  Well, most of them.  I don't talk to EVERYONE, but I am in a position that I can still pick up a phone, say hey and pick up where we left off.

I may, in the real world, dress a certain way or act a certain way or carry myself a certain way that may lead you to believe that I think I'm this very secure person, who is very used to being the popular girl.  Truth, the only reason I haven't acknowledged you directly yet is because I'm so busy concentrating on not tripping over my own two feet that I didn't notice you standing there.

I just ain't everybody's cup of tea.  (I forget what movie that is from.)

This, my friends, is one of the reasons I'm such a fan of online friendships and blogging.  That exterior wall, the facade that everyone sees first, does not exist.  We all get to see what's real - what's on the inside first.

This is also the reason that I will keep my kids here, in this town, until they graduate.  Roots & wings, folks - roots & wings.  (yes, this is a multi-purpose post and obviously a lead in to a future post)

You see, I know that as much as I make a blubbering idiot of myself and trip over my own two feet - if people hang around long enough to look beyond the surface, they get to see what's real.

THOSE are the people worth keeping.

Yup, I ain't everyone's cup of tea.  I am the best me I know how to be and I love all of you for hanging around.

I know I skipped around a bit here, but ya know... it's less than 6 am and I'm only on one cup of coffee.

Cheers!

Thank you for reading my blog!

You all have a fabulous day!!

~Jenn

Dear Me: Some things I've left out... Part 1

A while back my friend Cassie over at Fire & Rabbits asked me to do a guest post for her Dear Me:.  As I thought more and more about that post, there's so much more I need to say.  So, over the next few posts - I'm going to expand upon that.

A little more of what I wish I'd known back then.


I'd love to say that I followed the very bohemian peace, love and tie dye example of frugality my parents lived while I was very young.

Fact is, I like stuff!  Who doesn't?

What I don't like?  Bills & Debt.

I can still remember my first credit card.
I was 18 and everyone told me that Bamburger's (now solely Macy's) gives EVERYONE a credit card.  Of course I applied and was declined because I was only working part time.

Getting a credit card, when all my friends had one and I didn't, became a challenge.  So I applied, applied, applied.  My first cards? Mandee's & Stern's.  I shopped like it was my job.  Every day I got a new outfit.  I was most definitely stylin'.

I worked.  I went to school.  I paid my bills.  I bought a car.  I applied for more credit cards.  I bought more stuff.  I paid more bills.

After a while, I had plenty of stuff - but I had more debt at the end of my money than I could deal with.  So I got more jobs.  I was young and single, I had no one else to account for but myself at the time, so I just rolled with it.  That was the habit I formed for myself early on.  I wasn't working to live anymore.
I was working to pay off my debt on the life I used to live, for stuff I didn't even like anymore!

I don't recommend this.

After several life lessons & paying off all of my credit card debt, I've resigned to no more credit cards!  Well, that's not exactly true - always have one emergency credit card that doesn't get used.

If there's anything I could stress, more than anything else, it's to live within your means!

Did I have my Escalade?  Yes.  Did I love it?  Yes....  I loved my little Cadillac lifestyle!  Did I love the $800 per month car payments?  Nope. I also didn't love the $3500 transmission repair bill.

That's a cruise, and I love to travel!

I've learned to scale my life down and love my Jeep.

Would I love a big 3500+ square foot home?
Once upon a time, yes!  Now - it's just more to clean. I'm happy with my little house, with smaller bills and less to clean.

In my opinion, it's a trap.  A gilded cage.

Working to pay off debt isn't living - it's stressful!

Have you ever been a position of ducking out collection calls?

Think Confessions of a Shopaholic & get back to me - because those people are relentless!  Trust me.  Not a game you want to sign up for.

Shopping is FUN!!  Things are GREAT!!  You can still have amazing....
You'll just have to work harder in life. You may not want to do more school.  Just do it!  School is time consuming & hard - but I've got news for you, life is hard.

That little dream of find a rich handsome husband to sweep you off your feet & take care of you for the rest of your life....  Um, probably not going to happen.

Again, stay in school - go be someone.  Build your own life & then if you choose, find someone like minded to share it with.  Trust me.

Go be you & have fun.  Not everyone can roll around in hundred dollar bills.  It is what it is, and that's OK.

Live your life and quit trying to keep up with the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

What was the defining moment?

Have you ever been around someone you've known for several years, or even someone you just met wondered what the heck happened there?

What was the defining moment in their life to rob them of the spark that made them who they were?  The thing that changed them.

I know a few people who fall into this category.  In some instances, I know exactly what it was that snuffed out their spark - the defining moment in their life that changed them.

This story could be about anyone...but today, it's about my old friend and neighbor, Bill.  Rest his soul.

Back when was young and single, I rented an apartment above a warehouse.  Alongside my apartment was another smaller apartment rented by an older single gentleman.

Now, I - as you've learned by both this blog and my Facebook page - am very friendly.  I love everyone & I take a genuine interest in people.
He had no other choice but to be my friend.

Early every morning while I walked my dog, I'd see Bill go off to work. Every evening, we'd come home from work about the same time.  He with his 12 pack of Bud in hand.  Me, ready to rest up for an evening of partying.  I didn't cook often because it was just me, but when I did I'd always invite Bill for dinner.  He never took me up on my offer.  His standard response was that he "had chicken out".  He was always friendly and helpful.  If I needed a hand with anything, he was immediately there to help out.  One afternoon he told he that he'd made a pot of stew to take to his cabin but wasn't feeling up to it - did I want to come for dinner.  I accepted the gesture.

When I went into his apartment, I was suddenly saddened.

His kitchen had a small table with just two chairs.  His living room had one wing back chair in front of the television and an end table with an ash tray over flowing with cigarette butts.  Almost as if he'd never expected any company or didn't want any.  No other being, besides his parakeet, Sparky.  I hated that bird. "Domesticated" birds and I just don't get along. I'd walk in and this tiny little thing would dive bomb me.

Anyway, over the months and years that I lived in my apartment, I'd look out for Bill.  I made sure he had a meal even when he "had chicken out".  If I didn't see him going off to work, I'd check on him to be sure he was OK. We became good friends.  I learned much about Bill and his defining moment; the moment where he caught the love of his life (his wife) with his best friend.  The moment that turned such a good soul into a total loner. Love gone horribly wrong.  Something that shut him down and closed him off.  I felt sad for him.

As my life went on, Bill stayed a part of it.  I got married & moved away. He became best friends with my ex-husband.  He was my son's Uncle Bill and a part of our family.  He fished with my ex and did things other than sit in his apartment with that bird, but never even tried to find love again.  "There's a lid for every pot," he would say.

I consider myself incredibly lucky and extremely blessed for the happiness in my life.  I know that my life could also have taken a horrible turn.  I could have become jaded toward love - a cynical, bitter woman.

It amazes me how love can both flourish and kill a person.  How love, so deep could crush the soul of one, while taking flight in another.

Have I been ensnared by the trappings of love in my life?  Absolutely.  I can tell you with absolute certainty that the heart wants what the heart wants - but the heart lies.

I too have a defining moment that changed me.  It put up walls, created unrealistic fears and held me back for years.

What I learned is that as much as those walls may have protected me from the hurt and pain - they also kept away the good.  It wasn't until I learned to trust again and tear down my walls that I was able to find great love and happiness again.

There may be a lid for every pot...  but who's to say that another lid won't fit better?

Do you have a defining moment?

Thank you for reading my blog!

 My very best to each and every one of you for a happy, shiny new year!

Love and Smoochies.

~Jenn

Good bye young one...

Over the past two weeks, I've been made aware of not one but two suicides of young adults.

One I didn't know at all.  He was a friend of a young woman we are very close to.

And then, there was Jess.
Jess - we knew.  Not well, and not in quite a few years - but at one time, we knew her.  She was someone who was part of a friend's family for a time.  Someone we cared about.  Someone who is now gone.

And here again is the WHY??

Why would someone so young stop believing there is more?  Why didn't she reach out?  Why didn't anyone see how lost she was?  Why, why, why...

I always feel the familiar pang of heartache when the words... "committed suicide" pass over someone's lips.  My heart breaks, my eyes fill with tears & the familiar pain comes to the surface.
Even if I never knew the person.

She had some stuff.  I know that.  But the other boy who left too soon - he did well in school - he was popular.  He was getting ready to graduate and move on.

What is the defining line in someone's life where they just can't do it anymore?  What is the point where one person can take what comes their way and move forward and another crumbles under the pressures of life?

...And their light dims forever.

May you find the peace you were unable to find here and those left behind find comfort.

Rest softly on the wings of angels young ones.

If you, are someone you know are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts - PLEASE seek help.

1-800-SUICIDE lists state and local hotline numbers to call for help.

www.suicidehotlines.com

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for teenagers and young adults.  Although it's hard to believe that teenagers and young adults could be so desperately unhappy that they would plan to kill themselves, more than 5,000 US teenagers commit suicide every year.

Warning Signs of Depression and Suicidal Behavior:        

• A marked personality change such as exhibiting angry actions or rebellious behavior, or withdrawal from friends and activities
• A change in eating or sleeping patterns
• Involvement with drugs or alcohol or other risky behavior, such as reckless driving
• An overreaction to a recent humiliating experience, such as a breakup
• Difficulty in concentration and a decline in the quality of academic work
• Persistent boredom and/or lethargy
• Unusual neglect of physical appearance
• Complaints of physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, and fatigue
• A pattern of giving away or throwing away possessions
• Preoccupation with death in writing, songs or poems
• Intolerance of praise or rewards
• Increase in comments such as “I can’t take it anymore” or “Nobody cares; I wish I was dead.”

 Other Recommended Resources: 

American Association of Suicidology - Web site: www.suicidology.org

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Web site: www.afsp.org  

National Institute of Mental Health - Web site: www.nimh.nih.gov

National Mental Health Association - Web site: www.nmha.org  

Suicide Prevention Resource Center - Web site: www.sprc.org 

As posted on:
http://www.aboutourkids.org/families/suicide_teenage_young_adult_tragedy

A Different Weekend With the Girls....

I had so much fun family time planned for this past weekend...

For once we didn't have the usual over flow of appointments & places to be.  We would do what we needed to do on Saturday, but Sunday was meant to be a day of quiet family time.

...and then there was the news on Friday.

Sunday's family time took on a whole new meaning.

How could you not continue to think about the horror in Newtown, CT? Not just because it's all over the news, but because how loudly it speaks to parents of little ones.  It appears that our babies aren't safe anywhere anymore - and especially at one of the places they are supposed to feel safe.

How could you not think of the horror those babies, their teachers and the brave school staff faced?

I mentioned a few blogs ago that I was at the girls' school during an emergency lock down drill.  I discussed it with the girls at the time & they were very casual about it.  At the time, I thought that was good that they didn't have fear in their little hearts at every drill.

I can no longer feel "casual" about it or feel no fear.

When I was a kid in school, we didn't have lock down drills.  We had fire drills.  We never considered someone coming in and shooting children, and I went to elementary school (K-6) in "big bad" Paterson.  Even with Paterson being the "hood" as it's referred to, I never felt scared.  I felt carefree.  Like children are supposed to feel.

My head and heart have been consumed with the absolute evil that came upon those children and staff at Sandy Hook Elementary school.  I think of the teachers.  I think of the last moments of the amazing principal, teachers, etc who put themselves in the line of fire to protect the children.  The heroes.

I struggle, along with everyone else on the WHY of all of this, and know that the WHY can never be known.  The killer took that with him.

So this Sunday was spent a little closer.

Less business.  Less computer.  Less TV.

More hugging and laughing, being extra silly and goofy.

Taking more time to really appreciate the ones I love.

While we should ALWAYS be hugging our children tightly and letting them know how much we love them, every day - sadly the business of life takes away from the extra close time.

The time we need to take.

Without something awful coming along to remind us.

I wish you all love, laughter and quiet time with the ones you love - and I love you all.

~Peace~

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

In memory of those live tragically taken on Friday, December 14, 2012 - Newtown, CT

My heart has changed...

Did you ever read something that really hit home and made you think... "UGH...I really blew it."?

I've been reading Slice of Humble's Compassion Series (Click on highlighted for part 1).

Each part of the series got me thinking in a different way. (Yeah, that smoke you smell - ignore it, that's me.)

Then it hit me.  No matter how hard I try, sometimes I lack compassion.

I have had a huge change of heart in a situation where I KNOW I was judgmental & I did not show an ounce of compassion.  While in some areas, I feel justified by my thoughts and feelings - there does come a time when people sometimes need to be cut a break.  Even for the REALLY BAD stuff.

The short one has been with us for over a year now.  When kids come to our home, we are given enough information on a situation in order to provide proper care.  Whatever it may be; emotional, physical, mental...whatever.

When the kids are placed with us, I am already on guard.  Their parent could be the sweetest thing on the planet - but I go by what I'm told.  When it's not good, I form the absolute worst mental image of the parent there may be.  I've been duped by a parent in the past, so no one gets cut a break with me without proving up.  Compassion isn't always easy to come by.

These kids sometimes come to us broken in more ways that I am able to say in print, making my heart and head feel nothing but contempt for these parents.

How could a mom / a parent allow bad things to happen to their children? What do they see when they look at their beautiful child, that allows them to ignore their paternal instincts to protect?

I didn't understand and ya know what, I didn't want to.

Yet the light in the kids' eyes never seem to dim.  They never stop loving.

When it came time for us to actually meet a parent, I didn't want to.  I knew I had to - but I'd rather they go on & do whatever it was they needed to do in there little lives.  Leave the short one with us and just go away.

That option was not afforded to us.  We had to go.  We had to face the mom.

...She was not what I expected.

Instead of being faced with this abusive horror of a woman - I saw a broken young woman.  A woman, who on so many levels, was defeated.  Someone who actually loved her child and was in many ways a child herself.  Someone at rock bottom with no one in her corner.  No one to help her. Someone with nothing.

This broken woman before us told stories of the short one with a smile & twinkle in her eye, amid tears of  pain and guilt for parenting gone horribly wrong.  Before us was a woman who had nothing left to give.

And there it was....compassion.

She doesn't get a pass for her mistakes or the things she allowed to happen.  That's on her.

She does deserve forgiveness.

Which is what I gave her...
As I was reminded the words which were the basis of another post,
"What if you were judged forever on the worst mistake you'd ever made?"

My heart has changed as I now think...What do I carry around?

What is it that I may have done that would be lifted from my heart, from my conscience if someone simply said -

You're forgiven.

...And showed me compassion.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

I believe!

Even to my almost 20 year-old-son, I have yet to deny the existence of the man in red.

I don't work hard to perpetuate anything.
I just don't deny.

The other night at the dinner table the girls discussed their list of concerns to me.

One of their biggest concerns being their friends do NOT believe in Santa. They were worried that they wouldn't get gifts for Christmas, because they didn't believe.

I do!

In our home, Santa brings one gift.  Not five, not ten, not twenty - ONE.  Why is it fair that children of families who are better off receive ten gifts or more gifts from Santa, but the children whose families have less get only one? Santa brings one.
End of story.

As they get older, I need to find new and different ways to defend Santa.

But MOM, Suzie says she caught her mom putting the gifts under the tree!

Well, of course she did!  You know darn well that I've got a ton of gifts for you guys hidden away all over the house.  You know those gifts come from us.  Santa brings ONE.  I can't help it of other people want to make Santa look more generous.  He brings ONE!

This seems to be enough keep the magic alive.  For now.

Again, I've never denied the existence of the man in red.

I believe.

I believe that Christmas, all that it stands for and all that goes along with it - is in the heart.

Christmas is all about faith and belief.

I'll never say anything different, because I believe.

Thank you for reading my blog!

Have a wonderful day!

~Jenn

Behind the mask...

"We all have a face that we hide away forever.  We take it out and show ourselves when everyone is gone."  ~Billy Joel - The Stranger

I'm not a huge Billy Joel fan (nothing personal) but this is one of those songs that really hits home for me.

Isn't this just easier?

It's no secret that I've had some crap in my life.  Some of it I've dealt with.  Other stuff, well I put on a good face.

My mask.

You know those people that strut around with a big ol smile plastered on their face?
The person who carries around a big old jar of crap with a pretty label on it.  You  may even be envious of that pretty jar, having no clue that the stuff inside really stinks.  The person carrying the jar is merely hiding the crap behind the smile.  Behind the mask.

Don't we all wear a mask of some sort??  Something that we want to hide away forever.  That one thing that makes you think... no, I don't want anyone to ever know that.

This line of thinking brings Bernie Madoff'esque people to mind.
The people looking to maintain the "Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous" image.  I often wonder...Did he start off as a major DB or did he work his way up to it?  Did he start off as a nice guy who just wanted to give his family a good life?
So he worked hard and life got better & better.
Until the day his wife couldn't get that Bentley?  Was it that day that he thought hmmm - If I take a little from here to give my wife the Bentley, I'll pay it back when this one over here comes in... no one will notice.  Then it got easier and easier to take it & never pay back??? 
This is hypothetical, of course.

I'm off track - I know.  My brain has been a muddy mess lately.  My point here is - was he so busy trying to maintain his outside label, that the jar of crap just over flowed?  Did he care so much about the image - the mask, that he just said the hell with the rest?

This is the other side of the mask, I know.

Some people hide their pain behind their mask.  They wear a smile and shed tears of a clown.

Some flaunt their riches, knowing they can't pay the huge mortgage for their mansion.

Others pretend to be hard to shield their soft and vulnerable hearts.

The mask of the beautiful woman, with no self esteem.
The strong, handsome man - with no clue how to live life.

What mask do you wear?

Do you take it off & show yourself when everyone has gone?

Or have you accepted yourself for who you are?

Thank you for reading my blog!

Warm hugs & big smoochies to you all.

~Jenn

The world we live in

I was at my girls' school yesterday for a Child Study Team meeting for the short one.

Midway through the meeting, an announcement came over the PA System.  "Attention, Faculty and Staff - Please prepare for emergency lockdown."

My face dropped & I looked at the others in the meeting simply stating, "This is a drill, right?"

They all got up and I followed.  One shut the lights and pulled the shades.  We all followed to a hidden corner of the room where we huddled together in silence.

Holy heck!

Many things flashed through my mind while this was going on.
First I though, holy crap - is this real?
Can I get to my kids?  They're in the same building.  Can I go grab them?
Then I thought about the air raid drills that my parents spoke of when they where younger.
Finally I began to wonder, what do my kids think about all of this?

As a mom - and an "adult" who watches the news, I'm very aware of the dangers in the world.  I was prepared for any and every conversation that may come up.  In my heart and mind, I knew these drills were put into place as a result of Columbine & Virginia Tech types of events.  Massacres aimed at children.

To ME this was an incredibly scary event.  I understood.

You see, our family knew Matt La Porte.
Does that name ring a bell at all?
If not, Matt was the young hero at Virginia Tech who tried to stop Seung-Hui Cho from killing his fellow classmates during the Virginia Tech Massacre.  He was killed in his attempts.  Matt was my nephew's best friend.  They grew up together, went to Carson Long together had a friendship.  I didn't know him very well, but his death to made a huge impact on our family.  Enough of an impact that Emergency Lock Down Drills are significant in my mind.

When the girls came home from school I mentioned that I was at their school and that I got to partake in the Emergency Lock Down Drill.  Neither of them were phased.  My 10 year old even giggled a little bit.

"We all hide in a closet mom - boys in one, girls in the other.  What room were you in?  Where did you hide?"

It's a game to them.  It's hide and seek.

I guess that's good, in a way - but what if.  What IF this was a real event?  What if something terrible were taking place?

I can say that I would have ended up dead.

Huddled up in the corner, in the dark with the Child Study Team remaining quiet & as still as possible - I accidentally kicked the radiator.  It echoed through the classroom as the flashlight of the principal went by.  I would have given us all away.  I would have gotten us all killed.

How do I tell my children the real reason for these drills?

How do I tell them that their world has become so that they need to hide away in a corner, just in case someone tries to come and kill them?

This reality has hit me so hard.

Perhaps I'm overly dramatic.

But this is where I am with this..

As a mom, who is 110% on top of her kids (whether that's good or bad, I'll find out on the therapy couch one day) I would know if my child were struggling with murderous intent.  I would see their cell phones, their computers.  I'm involved.

What makes someone snap, with the result being "Emergency Lock Down Drills" for little kids.

Something I'll never understand.

I know this entry is on the dark side today.... I hope I've given you food for thought.

Thank you, as always, for reading my blog.

~Jenn

A Virtual Love Letter.... to you

All this week, I feel like I've had nothing to say....

Let me rephrase that - I always have PLENTY to say.  I just couldn't get my thoughts to flow properly from my brain and through my fingers into this blog-osphere.

Today, I've had some inspiration & my inspiration comes from people like you, my virtual friends.

That sounds so strange, doesn't it?  Virtual friends.

I thought about it.  Then I thought about it again, and it's very clear.  I hide nothing on here.  I am as "naked" and honest in my writing as humanly possible & you love me anyway.  Alright, maybe you just like me - but you're here.

Reality just isn't like that.  In real life, people may love you - but they also judge you for the things you say, the things you do.  They don't always want to hear the really awful stuff that is a part of who you are.

Here - it's right out there for the world to see.  If you don't like someone's blog or page, you don't interact - you don't go back.  No one knows the difference.

It's in the people who stay who learn you and you learn them.

I'm not saying I choose the virtual world over the real world - but I am saying that the friends that I've made on here are real true people that I enjoy and feel a kinship with.  We all choose each other.

I love that.

I've been touched so deeply by some of you.  I've made real, true connections.  Friendships I'd never known could be made - over the internet.  It amazes me.  Really.

This community - amazes me.  Everyone seems to care about each other.  If you've been gone for a few days - someone notices & checks in on you.  If someone is sad, we lift each other up.  We congratulate each other.  Just like a real family - but virtually.

As fuzzy as this may all sound, as I work through my writer's block - I hope my little internet love letter to all of you comes through properly.

To you all - thank you.

I truly appreciate you all & have much love for you.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

My Favorite Things Holiday Giveaway

Wow!!

I think I've finally got it all together & I want to share it with YOU!

Welcome to

My Favorite Things Holiday Give Away!

Wine & a beautiful glass to drink it from

Coffee & a special mug to drink it from

Chocolate

Candles

A Target Gift Card

and other fun little things for you to enjoy your holiday!

I'm so happy to have each & every one of you here with me!

Good Luck!!

~Jenn

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Getting a little more than you bargained for....

I go back and forth on the reason WHY I actually blog...

When I first started blogging, I was going through a rough patch with Lupus.  I felt like total crap. There was so much going on in my life & I needed an outlet.

If you've been reading me long enough, you know that I don't like to play the poor, poor, pitiful me game.  This will NEVER be a full on Lupus blog.

It will never be any one thing.

Let's face it, I'm a hot mess.  I know this.  I've got years of blog fodder just in my screw ups that led me to where I am today.

It is what it is.  You can either laugh or cry.  If you cry, you'll have to keep fixing your make up and your face will be a puffy red mess.  Ewww!

I'll laugh.  It's way more fun.  You can laugh too, it's OK.
I'm used to being laughed at... Um I mean with.

In reading other's blogs, you kind of see what everyone's "niche" is.  I didn't have a "niche."  Then I realized - I don't need one.  I just need to be ME.  I'm my own totally dysfunctional little niche.  Ain't life grand?

I've come a long way in my little life.  I'm not saying I've got it figured out.  I haven't.

For certain I always want to help, to make a difference by somehow taking the absolute shit in my life & putting it out there in a way that it may help someone else.  I think it's important for other people to see the "Hey, if that tripping, bumbling mess of a woman got through it, I can too."

When I was younger, I was totally that needy, clingy person.  I hate that.  I hate to say it "out loud."  I hate to look back and see all the stuff I just put up with just to feel loved.

I look back on that "me" and think WOW.  How sad. How many times did I allow myself to be treated badly?  Just to feel think I felt loved.

I'm so thankful that I've come so far beyond that.


I see it in my "short one" and it scares the hell out of me.  If she becomes a permanent fixture in our lives, it will take so much work to make this little girl believe that she's worthy of love just by being who she is.

I look at her and I see me at her age.  I see this little person craving love and attention.  I see the teenage me I grew into & the young 20 something.  I cringe.

I KNOW that I was no piece of cake.  The loving caring person I am now is the same person I was back then..  but on crack.  :)  Metaphorically, not actually.

Back then, I would lay down all I was for another person just to get an ounce of love and attention.  If they were mean to me, clearly I wasn't trying hard enough.  I needed to do more and more - until the inevitable.  They couldn't take being smothered.  They couldn't take the needy me and they moved on or they just wore down and gave in.
That was very significant since the relationships I'd formed were long term.  What was worse is that when they wore down and gave in, I lost interest.  It was a vicious cycle.  Almost an unplanned game where there was no winner.  I'm not proud of that.

I hate to look at that part of who I was.  Hate it.

In the long run, I needed to be hurt, broken & made to be jaded.  I needed to grow up and I needed to learn that I am ME.  I am a great me.  If I give from my heart, it should just be for my love of others - not expecting to receive love in return.  For the simple joy of giving.

It's taken a long time.

In some ways, I'm still that person and will always be - but now I know why I do what I do.

Because I love.  From the heart.... Just because.  Simple as that.

...and THAT is why I blog.

THIS is my imprint on this planet.  My "niche."

Giving you a little more than you bargained for, just for the sake of love & knowing one person may relate and feel a little better about themselves.

Lots of love,

Jenn

~I've had a difficult time getting this out of my brain and through my fingers.  I hope the message came across properly and it wasn't too muddy.  My brain feels muddy :)

Love from the heart.  Be you.  Let love come to you and do from your heart expecting nothing in return.  You are the best you you can be and that's AWESOME!