Don't Quit

Those of you who are "in the know" of the stuff that's been going on in my life probably got a little chuckle out of the title of this blog.

If you know me personally, you also know that I'm incredibly persistent and have a ridiculously long fuse.

I put up with "stuff", way longer than the average human on this planet would ever consider.


I don't give up without a fight - on anything, ever.

That's been both good and bad, happy and sad, because along with that persistence and tolerance comes being taken for granted.

You'd think for a Jersey Girl that I'd be all tough - yeah, that's just on TV. This Jersey Girl is a big 'ol mush and, proud of it, and I don't change to suit anyone.  I am who I am the end.  I'm proud of the fact that I'm loyal, perhaps to a fault.  Do I get hurt sometimes, sure - who doesn't?

Especially when the people you think you can trust hit below the belt.

...and surprisingly - I'm not some depressive mess!

Why??  What's the point?  Life is short.  I'm happy and if this little thing over here is a source of sadness beyond anything that can be resolved, then I'll just move over to another spot for a while.

I have come to a personal cross roads in many areas of my life, all at once, which is even weirder for me.  Some things I can no longer ignore or just blow by.  Things that were always in front of my face, but I chose to ignore for whatever reason.

I'm a creature of habit.  I like things to be in order - consistent. This whole "jumping blindly into the void" isn't my style.  When you just can't deal with something any longer, what do you do?

After all, one person can only do so much before it becomes - well, just sad.

In some situations where my feelings had been hurt, I took a a giant step backwards out of the situation.  Some people cared, others didn't.  Can't help that - that's on them, not me.  Again, one person can only do so much and I matter too.  No matter how much you may care about somebody or something, you get tired of feeling taken for granted.  I can see virtual feathers getting ruffled already, but not all of you fine folks know what's been going on in my life.

I've struggled with things from every angle, it seems.  Some big things, others not so much.  Either way, it's prompted some really heavy conversations with the "Big Guy."  No, not my husband - the REALLY Big Guy.

On one morning I hopped in the shower & started having my little chat with God.  Don't laugh - that's my favorite chatting spot.  It's quiet, I'm relaxed & heck - God made me naked anyway.  It's what works for me.  I always start off by apologizing for not staying in touch as well as I should and then go on.

Being at this cross roads I feel confused about some things.  So I started to ask God for his opinion, for his guidance.  "OK, so now what?  What's the plan,God?  What should I be doing?"  I also mention, "Remember, I'm blond God, so You know that subtlety doesn't work for me.  Slap me upside the head signs would be incredibly helpful."

Sunday morning started first, with an email that clarified some issues that had me really distressed. Things that have been plaguing me most of my life, but I've let roll off my back.  You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. This email shined a light into a different direction to give me something to think about.  It also gave me a little boost to an area that felt kicked down.

THEN...to church.  We had a guest preacher.  A young Hispanic man from an urban area, a wonderful - very real speaker.  The title of is sermon for the day..."Don't Quit."

Seriously!

I looked at my husband, he looked at me and we laughed. He, of course, knows my issues - since he deals with them first hand & thankfully none the "stuff" directly involves him.  As the preacher spoke, he hit on each of the items that I've been stressing over one thing at a time - as if he'd received a direct memo from the Big Guy:  Here ya go bud, THIS is what Jenn needs to hear today.  I was completely slack jawed as he continued, until I was finally moved to tears.

My morning shower conversation had been heard - loud & clear.  Thanks, Big Guy!  I've been given the direction of Don't Quit, with further clarification - which meant quite a lot.

For me, right now in my life -it's good to take a step back and look at everything.  To again, check the status of things around me.  Check myself.  Take the time to get my heart good with me.  To matter to me.

Road Blocks & Cross Roads are just little park benches to collect myself.  It's OK to hang out at the cross roads.  It's OK to not quit, to not give up - and to maybe take that step back and let others pick up the lead.  Because I can't do it all, and I shouldn't do it all and I DO matter.

And if I have noticed that an area of my life has truly expired - it IS OK to say thank you and to let it go....

To always remember that where a door slams shut, a window opens.

Thank you all for your continued support & for reading my blog!!

Smoochies!

~Jenn

The "Junk" Drawer...

If you've never heard this term, its the place (usually in the kitchen) where one of the drawers contains all the odds & ends you may ever need...

The things you may need in a pinch but don't necessarily want to have a "spot" for, but you don't want to have to hunt for it either.

My junk drawer(s) contain a hammer, rubber bands, thumb tacks (ouch), stuff like that.  Well, at least that's what the one in the kitchen contains.

Um - one of the junk drawers in the kitchen.
I actually have two in the kitchen.  The other is in my "desk" - and that has take out menus, pens, paper clips, staples, scissors, more take out menus & a ton of crap I didn't feel like dealing with.

Anyone else have this issue??

Trust me, mine's NOT this neat and organized

But wait, there's more... I have 2 in my bedroom also.  (insert eye roll here)  The top left hand corner of my dresser contains - Ugh ya know, I don't even know what it contains anymore.  Certainly at the moment it contains Christmas receipts, old pictures, old power cords - and just stuff.  I have another set of drawers full of stuff in the corner & probably my night stand has more stuff than I will ever need, use or think about.

I have attempted - several times - to go through my drawers of "stuff" and clean it up.  Usually that happens when the drawer will no longer shut completely.  I swear, it's like a friggin' treasure hunt!!

Can I part with my newly found treasures?  Or my old "keepsakes" from God knows when??  NO, of course not - that's why I have so many darn junk drawers!

Yes, I know - all this from a self proclaimed neat freak... Well yes, but you do know that drawers & closets have doors on them for a reason.  To hide the crap that is piling up & I don't want to deal with.  Things I won't deal with now or probably ever.

In these attempts to deal with my stuff - I don't get very far.  I do find papers (and last year's Christmas receipts) that can actually be thrown away - but sometimes it's a veritable treasure trove of holy CRAP look what I found & WOW, THAT'S where that went!  Woo hooooo!!

Not his actual garage, this one may actually be cleaner
Oh, and add motorcycles

Have I mentioned that my husband absolutely HATES and has long lost his patience with my junk drawers??  Yeah - well he's got an entire two car garage full of "stuff" that I never impede upon - so deal with it bud!  I'll betcha when he needs a rubber band or a thumb tack & I'm Johnny on the spot he'll lighten up!

Mostly, my house is pretty clean at first view (unless the girls have ravaged it in some way).

It's all about the presentation.

Just DO NOT open the closets or junk drawers and you'll be safe.

That's where me treasures be hidden matey :)

Thank you for reading my blog!!

Big smoochies xxoo

~Jenn

Revamped & revised from previous posting date of December 21, 2011

Checking stock, expiraton dates & re-stocking....

I swear I'm not in my pantry looking at cans & expiration dates.

Right now, I'm checking the status of my heart.  Taking stock of the good in my life and trying to figure out what may be expired.

I'm also reviewing the way I've lived my life over the past year; How I've acted and things I've said and done.  Have I treated people fairly?  Have I let those I love feel loved?  Have I been rude or uncaring?  Have I done anything that I should re-check and maybe fix?  Have I put up with more than I ought to in some areas of my life?

I've had some pretty eye opening situations lately.  Things I really should have paid more attention to as they flew by me and I'd missed completely.

Things that make you go hmmmmmm.

The past year has certainly been a weird one for me.  Quite a lot of stuff that I'm not used to was going on with my body, with my mind and I suffered many medically induced incidents.  Some psychological, some physical.  Either way - it's been a long road of me taking control of my own medical care - deciding what is freaking me out and what is working.

Was it hard?  Yes.  For a little while, I felt like a real life, true "junkie" looking for a fix.  It was weird and scary and painful and I was doing it without proper medical advice.  No one yell at me - because ya know what - I was right - the doctor was wrong!

If not for a total whacked out incident, I'm not sure where I'd be.  I'm both sad and thankful for that moment.

Through this, I have begun taking inventory on my life, as it is now.  This blog has been a great review for me.  I have been able to go back and sort of re-live the past year with both a giggle & a HOLY CRAP - let's take that bad boy down.

I know I've ruffled some feathers and maybe hurt some feelings.  I feel really badly about that, but I can only apologize so much.  From here on out - I can only look ahead, and still feel sure that even the "back to normal" me - may totally blow it.

Happily, I'm feeling good.  Really good as a matter of fact & thankful that I'm no longer the prisoner of my own mind that I was for that short period of time.

There have been many days - weeks, maybe even months where my darling, sweet husband looked at me and asked what my problem was.  Why the hell was I so angry?  What's going on?  I couldn't answer.  I couldn't control it.  I had to ride it out and hope that things would just right themselves.  That sucked!  I'd like to think that I'm much nicer than I had been.  He'd know better.

My random hot flashes remind me, though - that I can still explode at random. Whoopsie.

For certain, all of our lives are full of both the cream and the crap - sometimes it's hard to tell the difference while you're floating along.

I know for sure - it's been a crazy year.  I've had some rough days, but certainly the good outweighed the bad.  I'm happy with who I am and it's really all good.

You can't appreciate the highest of the highs - without the lowest of the lows.

Smoochies folks!

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

**  Dedicated to my friends and family who went through the ick with me - those who had a front row seat to the mighty ass hat show, that made me realize I'd gone  totally bat shit crazy.  If not for that day, I would still be listening to that doctor & taking all the meds he prescribed.  Thank you for sticking through it, even if you rolled your eyes a lot.  Love you guys.  xxoo  

Technology Geek? NOT

Don't be fooled....

I really do NOT know what I'm doing here.  Technologically.

I mean, yeah - I know how to write and I know how to publish it here on my little blog page, BUT when it comes to all the fancy schmancy stuff - not so much.

I keep seeing the little message in my upper right hand corner when I log in that says " The old Blogger interface will be removed in the coming months. Upgrade Now. " and it scares the ever living crap out of me.  No lie.

To me that's the equivalent of, "This tape will self destruct in five seconds."

Crap, now what?

Remember the whole Facebook timeline thing?  How many people were freaked out about that??  Yeah, I'm one of those people when it comes to THIS.  I did manage to make that timeline switch, rather seamlessly, I might add - but this whole switch makes me shake in my shoes.

Sad, really.  Once upon a time - I used to be the ONE.  The one my dad called, when the power went out and his VCR needed to be  reprogrammed - because all of that sent him into a total frenzy.  YES, I said VCR, sheesh!  Take a giant leap into the 80's will ya??

I used to be the "gadget woman".  When home computers became popular - I was in there.  I was doing it.  I was setting them up for my family members, hooking them up to the wonderful world wide web.  I knew where to go, what to do.  DOS was my friend.  I knew it, it knew me and we rocked it.

Then - technology did what it always does and it improved.  It advanced.  It blew right past me leaving me in the dust, scratching my head thinking... What the????

Yep, even from a 10 year old

So what do I do??  Pffft... Well I do what any normal, red blooded American woman would do.  I ask my 10 year old daughter, ala Poppie's VCR.  My daughter looks at it, rolls her eyes and gives me an, "Oh MOM - this is soooo easy."  Three seconds, done.  Back to normal.  I'm still scratching my head.

Yes, I used to be technology savvy.  I used to be in the know.  I used to be the plethora of electronic knowledge.  Now, I'm just another confused mommy, terrified of the new blogger interface.

I know I'll have to succumb to change.  For the present moment, I'm riding out the "coming months" portion of the interface message.  Hoping at the end of each month that they mean the next month.  I really ought to figure this out.  But hey - at least I've got pictures and links.

So now, If you'll excuse me - it's time for me to be schooled by my 10 year old while she sets up my new interface, lol.

At least I know she won't blow it!

Thank you for reading my blog!

Smoochies!

~Jenn

Peeking through my own back door....

Every once in a while, I am called upon to do something that may put me in an uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes I'm really excited, but apprehensive and others I'd just assume skip altogether.  Yet I do what needs to be done - because that's me.

I need to be delicate as I write this, because while I shouldn't really give a flying frog about who may get hurt, I actually do.  Why???   Because I'm a FLIPPIN' SUCKER, that's why!

Advance disclaimer, I love each and every one of you - and while your jaws may hit the floor or you may gasp at some of the content - this is a total vent.  Silent hugs welcome, but please no open acknowledgements.  Deal?

OK... soooo, I was invited to an event that I was incredibly honored to attend. This event also had attendees whom I would rather stay far, far away from - forever.  Others, I just need to deal with and I did so in a, let's call it "business casual" sort of way, as emotionally removed as humanly possible.

That emotionally removed part - you may as well take that and throw it as far as possible, because I am extremely emotional being and tend to the sensitive side in some situations.  This was one of them.

One thing I've learned from my son and from the chickadees that pass through our home, is that no matter how incredibly bad, wrong, screwed up or even evil a child's parent may be, the child will STILL jump through hoops to impress, please and do all they can to try to make their parent love them.

...This weekend, I was that child.

I'm physically holding back tears as I type this, because all of my life - I never understood how I became the outcast in my own family.  I've always been the caretaker, the one to keep everyone safe and together.  The good one.  The one who went to school, who did what they were supposed to.  The one who was strong and responsible through it all.  I just don't get it.

Some of my very old friends, like Pam & Jill, for instance - will read this & say, "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION?" They know me, they know my life. They've seen things first hand & remember events I'd blocked out of my brain. They get it, they know.

The fact is that this weekend wasn't about me, it was about someone else whom I respect.  I'd have done back flips through the base if asked to.  So yes, I put myself in the line of fire and conducted myself respectfully... And fired at I was.

Not directly - or even blatantly at first.  Subtly.  Little jabs here & there leading up to the one final blow.  The TKO.

Mostly I ignored things.  I am very secure with the person I am.  I know I've accomplished a great deal in my life.  Much more than this other person.  I know that I'm a much better person, with better morals and true love in my heart.  I know how far I've come without the help that normally comes along while growing up.  I smiled through it and instead bought drinks, declined the offer to have one purchased for me.  I am too strong to be put down by subtlety.

And then it came.  Moments before we were scheduled to leave to go home.  Aim, Shoot... Bulls eye. Right through the heart.

Taken down by this short string of sentences, delivered to my husband, as I sat beside him with our girls.

"Thank you so much for taking on Jennifer and her son.  It must have been so awful and difficult for you. (as if we were some horrible diseases)  After the mistakes she's made, it's about time she found someone like you."

'cuz ya know - I walked into walls all day long with no direction up until that point. (no offense to my hubby,whom I adore)

Ugh!  Really?  No recognition for the hard work & personal struggles I've been through, ya know whilst raising myself.  No good for you - no atta girl.  Nothing, zilch, zip, nadda.

Ignored was the memory of me - at 7 caring for and raising myself and my two younger siblings.  Ignored were all the times I'd had to cover up for things that had been done. Things I had to hide from my brothers, from my father - so he wouldn't leave, situations I'd been inserted in to deal with things that a child from 7-12 should never have to deal with.
No accountability for the fact that this 7 year old basically raised herself into adulthood.
-just the broadcast of my mistakes, as the ever blaring slap in the face, that in the eyes of that being, I am unworthy of anything.
Words delivered by the one person, whom a 47 year old, seemingly intelligent adult was trying to impress, like a small child.
To gain respect - love - or even a good for you.

Suddenly, my backdoor was kicked wide open.  The flood of pain came rushing back to present, and remains as I type this out.

For this experience will make me hug my kids a little tighter.  I will continue to be a little tough on them, to teach them to be strong individuals who can protect themselves in the face of this kind of emotional torture - but at the same time - have a strong knowing that their mother loves them.  Truly, madly, deeply - forever.  No matter what.

I've taken a step back lately from many situations.  A few situations where I've had my feelings hurt. Places where I've felt - well, not as important as I thought I was.  Though it should be pretty obvious, the silence has made me realize where I stand in so many areas of my life.

This particular situation has walled me up good and tight to protect myself from the people I think I can trust.

Because when it comes down to it, there aren't a lot of people who will put someone else before themselves.

I've gotten a great big view of that.

This too shall pass....

For now, I leave you with the tears of a clown.

Smoochies, my loves.

~Jenn


...and you thought Mr. Fifty Shades of Grey was messed up :)

What to do when your little girl starts turning into a young woman....

OK - maybe not quite young woman, just yet.

Gosh - I'm so not ready for that.
Sadly, ready or not - our little girl is definitely headed down maturity row.

A few months ago, my daughter was prancing around the living room in her jammies & I caught a glimpse - a horrified glimpse of....budding boobies!

Oh nooooo.  Not yet!  I'm not ready!  No, she's just - wow, she's 10 already 10 - but still too young for boobies, right??

I looked at my husband with horror in my eyes.  He hadn't noticed.

He still looks at our daughter as the tiny little princess who crawled over to his side of the bed, pulled herself up and whacked him on the head saying g'morning daddddy.  He sees sparkling light and rainbows surrounding her along with the glow of something heavenly.  Nothing at all mature or womanly.  The horror....

After she went to bed, I calmly asked him, "Did you see that??  Did you notice that she's getting boobs?"
You could almost hear a full on car crash scene in his head.  His face turned to something dark, scared even.  "Boobs?
I think I may have seen a tear come to the corner of his eye as he digested the information.

It was time for me to take charge.  I'm the mom - the female in the house.  The one with the knowledge of the girlie stuff.

When my son was going through this, I went the clinical route.  His father and I were divorced - he wanted to know, so I did the best I could to give him the proper information, as someone who doesn't share the same plumbing.

The girl should be easy, right?

Gosh - I have to tell her something?  But what??  My mother never had these conversations with me.  She let me find out about things just like everyone else - on the streets.  I didn't know about what was going to happen with my body.  Well, I had some idea - but looking back, there are sure a lot of things I know now that I wish I'd been taught.  Instead of learning the hard way.

Suddenly the shower scene from Carrie flashed through my head.  For God's sake, a paper cut can drive this child into such a tizzy you'd think she'd severed a limb.  No, no - this can't happen to my little girl!  I need to take action - NOW.

So while my husband slipped deeper into his depressive state, still digesting the reality of our daughter's pending maturity - I formulated a plan.

I waited for what I thought was the proper opportunity to have a discussion.  For all you parents out there reading... as a heads up, there is no proper opportunity for this discussion.  If you're ready - they're not.  If they're ready, you're not.  You just need to go with it.

Now I, if you haven't noticed, am very bold and forward.  If you ask me, I'm going to tell you.  Straight out as I see it.  This is how I approached the situation, head on with bold confidence.

No, Mom - No!  Please stop talking!

My daughter - HORRIFIED!
No matter what question I asked, she blushed.  She shut down - she squawked MOMMMM STOP!  No, no - that's gross.  I don't want to talk about that, or that, or that....

Oh for crying out loud.
Is this why my mother didn't deal with it?

I decided to take it slow.  We started with leg hair, which was relatively easy and started working our way to the more difficult stuff.  Slowly, one topic at a time.

I've had to totally tone down my "in your face" - here it is, all of it style and slow it down to what she can take, a little at a time.

I am feeling much more secure that my child does understand what's going on with her body.  The baby steps I've taken have also given her a little more security in knowing that she can come to me with the things that are totally freaking her out and I can handle it.  I'll know what to do & I'll point her in the right direction.

Was the getting to this point easy?  Nope.  Has daddy fully recovered yet?  Nope.  Is the first boy to come to the door to pick her up going to get the "what the HELL do you want?"  Yeah, I'm pretty confident of that....(not too soon, please - she's only 10)

For now - she's good. I'm good.  We're good.  Daddy will just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Just like the rest of the daddys of daughters on the planet.

Thank you for reading my blog!

Smoochies!

~Jenn

Whirlwind in progress, please stand by...

Whoa... Look, it's August already!

What the??  Did I blink again??  What -- Wait...

I was just diligently planning our Costa Rica trip. That happened a month ago.  Ya know - the one I blogged about AND we've already been on the church camping trip we'd been anticipating.

Before I know it, the last summer beach hurrah will sadly be behind us, summer will wind down & the kids will finally be going back to school.

Yes, you heard it.  I said finally.

I'm not too proud to admit that I'm already counting the days until school starts back up again.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my girlies to bits, but our summer schedule has been such that I don't know who's coming & who's going, what's going on or what day of the week it is.

Yeah, exactly like this

Oh, and by the way - I also have a job.  An actual, real, out of the house job that I need to go to every day on top of all the "housely" duties that have already been thrust upon me.

Work may actually be the only place that I'm not confused.  It's a source of consistency in my crazy little life.

One of my birdies has already left the nest. (Kyle, if you're reading - I miss you terribly.)

The girls?  Holy high maintenance!  Yes, at 10 and 6 total high maintenance chicks.  I have NO idea where they get THAT from.

Not a flippin' second sooner!

By now, you should all know that my morning quiet time is precious.  The girls KNOW they may not leave their rooms, awake or not, until their alarm clock says 7-0-0.  That's not up for discussion, it just is.  Momma needs her quiet time and coffee.  Don't mess with it.

Then comes 7-0-0 girls up... Get 'em dressed, fed, lunched, room checks, breath checks & toothbrush checks because they try to get over on me...Done... out the door.  Short one to one camp, bigger one to another.  THIS week - because next week, she will be at some other camp.  Then it's off to work for consistency before I need to rush back home to pick up one at one time and the other 2 hours later.

For me, this is like throwing all the cards up in the air and and letting them fall where they may.

I like things simple.  This isn't working for me at all!

Exactly!

Oh school... How I've missed you... NO - not for me, for them.  I've done MY time!
I need my morning consistency back!  I need for them to be on one schedule during the day.... a constant - the same thing every day.  Waking up at 7-0-0 - off to the bus, off to school, momma to work & then come home for an hour of unwind time until the bus comes.  Ahhhh - doesn't that sound nice??

Of course my evenings will be full of cheer practice, girl scouts, brownies & whatever other sport or play date gets thrown my way - that, I'm ready for.
Bring it!

For now...Come Onnnnnnnnnnnn first day of school!

Thank you for reading my blog!

Smoochies from a tired momma xxoo

~Jenn

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary.... How does your garden grow?

Tending to relationships is much like tending to a garden.

In order for a garden to flourish and grow, you need to care for it.  You need to water it, fertilize it and sometimes pluck the weeds.  In return, the plant will (hopefully) bloom and grow and produce good fruits to be enjoyed.

Some gardens may need more care than others for sure, but you would you completely neglect your prize rose garden for that new tomato plant?

If a garden is not tended to, the plants and flowers can wilt - and even die.

How awful would it be for your if you've moved years of concentration and effort from your prize rose garden onto that new tomato plant, a plant that only flourishes for a bit, gives it's fruit & dies and then your roses begin to wilt?

You've neglected your roses thinking ... they'll be fine.  I ALWAYS tend to them.  Then after a while, you realize that your once strong and healthy roses now have aphids and browned petals.  Their bloom is no longer as full.  The once prize winning roses that you've spent years and years tending to and loving are now in such great need of care you don't even know where to begin.

What's important?  Where is your time best spent?

Gardens are much like friendships and other relationships - they require constant work in order to bloom and grow.  To reap the fruits of the good times and happy memories.

All too often I see people neglecting their relationships.  Taking them for granted, as if they're a given.  Not just marriages - but friendships & family relationships too!

It's a constant give and take.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

It's not always going to be sunshine & flowers.  There will always be periods of rain and sometimes real storms.

Sometimes the rain is important - not every care taker can water every garden at the same time and some gardens need more attention than others.

It's about preparing for the storms.  Caring for all your relationships in a way that they are able to withstand the coming storms.  You may not always be able to protect every single plant from the storm, but I'll bet the ones you've given the most to will endure and remain strong, while others will fade away.

So, Mary, Mary...How DOES your garden grow?  With silver bells & cockle shells & pretty maids in a row?

Or, do you need to tend to your garden so it can endure the storm?

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

...if tomorrow never comes, will they know how much you love them?

In loving memory of Gary