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Friday, July 26, 2013

My GOSH, put that thing away... Will you???

This whole Weiner's weiner thing is a bit much already...

No offense guys, but I don't want to see it.
Put it away where it belongs. 
I don't want to turn my phone on and see a penis on the screen EVER.

I mean, maybe some chicks are into that - but no thanks.  
And YES, I am straight.
Yes, I like men, as a matter of fact I LOVE men...
No, I don't ever want to see a picture of your penis.

Is that so wrong??

Honestly, that would piss me off (no pun intended.)

I feel like saying....
"Does your MOMMY know you're showing people that??
Put it away NOW!  And go stand in the corner."

Yes, I know it's a very proud item for you studly bunch.  I know that if anything ever happened to that body part, life as you know it would be over.

This was actually a joke in my household when my dad was alive.
My dad was sick, really sick, and we were taking care of him.  He had diabetes and was NOT taking care of himself properly.  We had him all fixed up and he decided to go to Florida to hide.  When my husband and I went to go see him, he was a mess.  We found Burger King wrappers, etc.  He could barely breathe.  He couldn't walk.  He was to the couch - very ill.  We tried to make him come home with us.... NO... He was going nowhere.  That was until a few days later, when he began to fill up with water.  He had severe pulmonary edema, but not nearly "sick enough" to listen to me.

THEN....  something terrible... something AWFUL happened....
He awoke to find that "the boys" were swollen to the size of grapefruits.
He could not breathe OR walk but OMG the boys..
What's wrong with the boys????  "Help me NOW!"

It was only THIS that prompted him to make an emergency call to me....  "I'm coming home.  I arranged a flight.  I need help."

Of course I was in a panic thinking he couldn't breathe, he was going to have a heart attack....  I called every doctor, took every emergency precaution from the airport to the hospital and drove off to meet him.  We found him immediately, swooped him into a wheel chair and headed to the hospital...  Only to find out that what he was really upset about...the boys.


Breathing... not a big deal at ALLLLLLL...the boys... super swollen?  AHHHHHHHHHHHH

I didn't care what his reasoning was at that point.  Whatever needed to happen to get him help, got him home...  As the ever dutiful daughter, I got him admitted for his PULMONARY EDEMA, not his swollen boys, and he was cared for.

Oh my gosh... Yes, of course - the boys were all happy again.  The swelling did go down AND he could breathe again.

Like I said - it became the joke...Oh crap, I just cut off my arm with a chain saw - let's just wrap a towel around that bad boy and continue.  Oh NO - I've just nicked my Zippity Doo Da with the razor - CALL THE PARAMEDICS.  QUICK!

So I get it... You like your manhood.  A LOT!

But do we really need to see it??

Put it away, will ya???

Before I go call your mommy!

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