Thursday, July 19, 2012
Deep Thought for the Day....
What would you most like to change about yourself?
I immediately knew what my answer would be. It's the one thing about myself that I can't control, for whatever reason.
That is that I'm "over the top". In your face. Too much. Too everything.
Then I began to think - well, how did I get here?
OK, so if you've been reading for a while or even reading back - you may have noted that I've had quite a bit of loss in my life. Much of it happening while I was quite young. My dad when I was 18 and my first love, who I had remained very close with, at 21.
Losing my dad was more than difficult for me. My parents were divorced. I was living with my dad and had an awful relationship with my mother. When my dad committed suicide I was alone.
I wasn't welcome to live back in my mother's house - because I chose to go live with my dad and well, it was my problem that he was gone, not hers.
I struggled for years over my dad's death. I made stupid choices just latching on to anything that would help me to find an ounce of security. To feel safe in my own skin. Whatever I tried didn't work.
I was figuring it out & Karen was right along side me figuring out her stuff. The two of us laughing OFTEN!
I slowly began to heal. I still made really stupid choices - heck these were the the ages between 18-21 we're talking about here. I was a big ol ball of stupid - with a sprinkle of the responsibility of work, school & bills & a whole lotta crazy!
Looking back now - I know it was my fault.
She needed me - and I was just too freaked out by major loss #2 that I pushed her away. Not because she'd done anything to me, but because I was afraid to lose her too. Pushing her away was within my control.
After many more mistakes & years of therapy - I'd regained me. I'd regained the person who I am - but now instead of pushing people away - I never let them go.
Before you think I'm this insecure little hausfrau - please know, I'm good with me. I'm a good person and really, I am very secure about myself. I could actually stand to be taken down a few pegs from time to time :) My problem is the fear of losing someone & the need to keep them close.
I Want a Dumpster Baby's M.O.
I had to borrow this, since I feel like I fit comfortably into that little niche.
I often wonder if the puppy ever feels neglected. If the puppy thinks; "Man, I just love these people to death. I give them all my love and wet kisses. I always make them feel special. I leave them presents. Why do they leave me in this crate all day?"
Mostly, this behavior of mine is received well.
I guess it's better to be overly friendly than an angry bitch, right
I know I'm over the top. Overly everything. The one thing about myself that I wish I could tone down. The piece of me that not everyone gets - or realizes that I really will settle down after a while.
So how about you?? Since we're getting all deep & thinking on Thursday.... What's your issue?
Have a fabulous day & thank you for reading my drivel... Um, I mean blog today.
PS. For anyone who doesn't know - I am still in touch with Karen. She lives far, far away - but she and I are still "sisters". And Kar, if you're reading this (because I sent it to ya - so you better be) I LOVE YOU!! Big Hugs & Smooches!