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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Deep Thought for the Day....

For anyone who's received or read the Sunshine Blogger Award, you've noted that the first question is:
What would you most like to change about yourself?

I immediately knew what my answer would be.  It's the one thing about myself that I can't control, for whatever reason.

That is that I'm "over the top".  In your face.  Too much.  Too everything.

Then I began to think - well, how did I get here?

Naked time....

OK, so if you've been reading for a while or even reading back - you may have noted that I've had quite a bit of loss in my life.  Much of it happening while I was quite young.  My dad when I was 18 and my first love, who I had remained very close with, at 21.

Prior to all of that - I'd taken life and the people around me for granted.

Losing my dad was more than difficult for me.  My parents were divorced.  I was living with my dad and had an awful relationship with my mother.  When my dad committed suicide I was alone.
I wasn't welcome to live back in my mother's house - because I chose to go live with my dad and well, it was my problem that he was gone, not hers.

I struggled for years over my dad's death.  I made stupid choices just latching on to anything that would help me to find an ounce of security.  To feel safe in my own skin.  Whatever I tried didn't work.

After my dear sweet friend, my "big little sister" & also Gary's little sister, Karen became my room mate I was able to start re-building me.  She was great for me.  She was good with who I was.  No pretending with her - because she knew me for who I really was.  She was/is as fun loving and goofy as I am.  She also knew my dad, my family, my relationship with Gary and loved me anyway.  I didn't need to rely on some outside source to help me.
I was figuring it out & Karen was right along side me figuring out her stuff.  The two of us laughing OFTEN!

I slowly began to heal.  I still made really stupid choices - heck these were the the ages between 18-21 we're talking about here.  I was a big ol ball of stupid - with a sprinkle of the responsibility of work, school & bills & a whole lotta crazy!

When Gary died, it both strengthened & killed our relationship.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was stupid.  She was absolutely grief stricken & we just couldn't help each other.  I went my way, she went hers.  We stayed in touch sporadically - but sadly - didn't talk for a long time.  If we did - it wasn't like it had been.  Not for a very long time.

Looking back now - I know it was my fault.
She needed me - and I was just too freaked out by major loss #2 that I pushed her away.  Not because she'd done anything to me, but because I was afraid to lose her too.  Pushing her away was within my control.

After many more mistakes & years of therapy - I'd regained me.  I'd regained the person who I am - but now instead of pushing people away - I never let them go.

Before you think I'm this insecure little hausfrau - please know, I'm good with me.  I'm a good person and really, I am very secure about myself.  I could actually stand to be taken down a few pegs from time to time :)   My problem is the fear of losing someone & the need to keep them close.

I love everyone.  Yes, even you, person reading this blog!  I genuinely care about people.  I want to do good for others & care for anyone I am able to care for.  Does it hurt me when I'm pushed away - yeah, of course - but I'll go on.  I've got lots of people & I keep finding more.

At the risk of seeming like I'm being a copy cat, I love the mental image of being tackled by your puppy who hasn't seen you in a full 2 minutes, yet they feel as if they haven't seen you in FOREVER when you walk in the door!  The love that they throw all over you.  THAT is who I am.  *To give proper credit where credit is due - this is Katy at I Want a Dumpster Baby's M.O.
I had to borrow this, since I feel like I fit comfortably into that little niche.

I often wonder if the puppy ever feels neglected.  If the puppy thinks; "Man, I just love these people to death.  I give them all my love and wet kisses.  I always make them feel special.  I leave them presents.  Why do they leave me in this crate all day?"

I feel like that sometimes.  Probably a little more today since I've got a wicked case of PMS brewing and oh, my horoscope said something about Cancer mooning me or something...  Who knows?

Mostly, this behavior of mine is received well.

I guess it's better to be overly friendly than an angry bitch, right

I know I'm over the top.  Overly everything.  The one thing about myself that I wish I could tone down.  The piece of me that not everyone gets - or realizes that I really will settle down after a while.

Ya know, just like the excited puppy.  After a while - he'll just plop at your feet and take a nap.

So how about you??  Since we're getting all deep & thinking on Thursday.... What's your issue?

Come on... bring it!

Have a fabulous day & thank you for reading my drivel... Um, I mean blog today.

Smoochies!

~Jenn

PS.  For anyone who doesn't know - I am still in touch with Karen.  She lives far, far away - but she and I are still "sisters".  And Kar, if you're reading this (because I sent it to ya - so you better be)  I LOVE YOU!!  Big Hugs & Smooches!

8 comments:

  1. I felt you on this lady! I had and continue to have issues surrounding my father's death when I was 20. I think it has shaped the person I am today. I am very hesitant to forge friendships and even very wary of how close I allow myself to be to my own family.

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  2. Jenn, from the first day I read your blog, I was hooked. In some strange way, I felt like I knew you, and maybe that is because we have so very much in common. I also think it's because your spirit and love and "over the top" reminds me of what I miss most about myself, the things that I have lost. I hope you never change anything about yourself, ever! You are a special person and people like you are hard to come by these days. You are genuine, and that is what makes you such a beautiful women.

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    1. Thank you for being so kind. It's always hard to write this stuff, but I feel so much better when it's "out there" You and I, we're cut from the same cloth, sista! You are in there. I can see it in your writing. Don't let outside forces stifle you. Smoochies, my beautiful bloggie friend xxoo

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  3. There are not enough tissues for my issues. LOL.I want someday to be comfortable in my own skin... I figure I may get there by the time I'm 60... hopefully. Thanks for sharing

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  4. I really get where you're coming from on the loss Jenn. I lost my dad when I was 8 and I think he was my closest confidant in my family. I think that really shaped who I am and the way I ended up dealing with it was to be a prover. I try to do big things and prove to others that I'm worthy or achieving something. So I relate and I think you're fantastic for dealing in a positive way. Being over the top is a positive thing - like you said - you care. Hugs to you about the relationship with your mom. I have a rocky road with my mom, but nothing like you've dealt with. I really admire your strength and resolve.

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    1. It always amazes me how closely threaded we all are. Thank you for your kind words. I'm really OK with how things have played out in my little life. They've made me who I am today & I'm pretty good with that :) xxooxxoo Thank you for being another amazing support on here. I really love you guys :)

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  5. Tackle and a leg hump for you!!!!! Love you Jenn!!!!!

    Just the way you are, even if you drool a little!

    xoxo

    ~M

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