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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Flashbacks to Another Me - Guest Post by Lizzi of Considerings

I am so incredibly thrilled to share today's guest blogger for Mental Health March, Lizzi of Considerings.

It has been my goal to touch on as many mental health issues during the month of March as I was able by reaching out to other bloggers.

The gratitude I feel toward Lizzi for this post (and part two coming later this week) is immeasurable.

One of the issues I hadn't considered, while preparing Mental Health March, is how depression embeds itself in the life of a child and grows with them. Lizzi's post has opened my eyes to a place I hadn't previously considered and WOW, what super powerful post!


Flashbacks to Another Me

Overnight, when I was seven, Depression came to take over my world.

It belonged to my father, and it swallowed him whole, tapping into many underlying parts of his story and overwhelming him. But this is my story.

Overnight, when I was seven, I stopped being a cherished daughter. I became a burden (dressed up in the heavy word ‘privilege’, which really meant ‘responsibility’). An irritation. Something to be borne. Dealt with. Put in my place.

Over the ensuing years, I was crushed under the weighty heel of Depression with harsh words and constant undermining; used as an outlet to express some of the pent-up rage with a cruel double-tag of goading into rebellion and sanction for my response. It was permissible that way.

Daily, the idol of an unbroken marriage was taken out, and we were all (in our ways) sacrificed upon its altar, regardless of the fact that this – whatever it was – was the thinnest veneer of ‘How Marriage Should Appear.’ And yet it had others fooled, for we were sufficiently cut off from socialization that very few knew what was going on.

And none of them knew how deep the rot went.

It finally burst its seams and broke; the false-god of marriage finally shown to be the charlatan it was, and it felt like freedom.

But safety played her tricks, and instead of relief, there was space to think – to be my own person – and having never done this before (because victims don’t think – they are mindless automatons of avoidance and self-protection), my mind was found wanting, and Depression took hold there, too.

*flashback*
Standing in the kitchen, anger upwelling within me at his harshness, finally snapping and responding to his jibes with matched (and learned) viciousness, hoping to break him; hoping he’d snap; hoping he’d hit so I could murder him and call it self-defense.

*flashback*
School, wishing I could join in, that someone would talk to me. Hanging out in the same places with the same people from habit, wandering constantly from one circle of closed backs to another, remaining impassive but wincing inwardly each time the backs snugged closer together as I approached. Ignored out loud.

*flashback*
Pain. Anger. Not eating. Anger. Control. Abandonment. Anger. Over-eating. Merry-go-round. New friends. New fakes. Anger. Hurt. Freedom. Inner prison. Anger. Angst. Self-doubt. No worth. Anger. Blackness. Anger. Worthless. Anger. Useless. Anger. Pointless.

*flashback*
Trying to get the bus to college and there’s a woman talking to the driver, wearing bright colours with her grating voice and ridiculous hair, and her face is sharp with make-up and scratchy in its expressions and I want to hurt her. I want to make her stop. I want her to shut up, and the world to shut up and everyone to STOPFUCKINGTALKING. I want a knife. I want to cut her. I want her to bleed and plead and gurgle as she realises she’ll never make a noise again. I disembark quietly and the air has turned to glue with rage, and I can hardly move; it’s taking every ounce of effort just to walk forwards towards the next bus stop. And I want to go back and find that bus and drag that woman off and make her pay…

*flashback*
A leaf rolls past me, scudded by the autumn breeze, and I freeze. Panic. Tremble inside. Because it’s found me. They’ve found me. And they’re everywhere. What a fucking time to develop a panic about leaves. Because they’re not just leaves; they’re another species and they’re following me, plotting. They want to swirl around me and take me down. And they follow me everywhere, whispering to one another about how they’re going to do it.

One landed one day, on the windscreen of the car as we were driving, and it was trying to break through the glass to get to me and strangle me, and I asked him to use the wipers to MAKEITGOAWAY *please, please make it go away, Daddy just do this one thing for me…please* And he laughed and left it there, murderous in its intentions, until I cried and the panic started taking hold.

*flashback*
The anger is inside me. The rage is there. Holding me down and making me sluggish. It’s poisoning me. It’s part of me, because I’m poison. I’m bad and worthless and need to somehow be better. Nicer. Kinder. Prettier. Thinner. Cleverer. Usefuller. More capable. More confident. More worthwhile. But never valuable, because valuable is unattainable. And the anger is in me, and it surges and surges and hurts me from the inside. It hurts to carry it. It’s in my blood and it’s killing me. So I let some out. And as it runs, the more it coats, the shinier that beautiful red, the anger settles and my mind shimmers. Safety in Red. Red for danger. Red for roses. Red for love. Red for Anger. I drip. I drip. I calm. I soothe.

*flashback*
Bang – bang – bang – bang – bang – bruise – bang – bang –bang – 100 – bang – bang – bang – bump – bang – bang – bang – 300 – bang – bang – bang – willIbreak? – bang – bang – bang – bang – can I get to 1000? Will it help? Will it need medical attention? Will it just hurt in the morning? Will it matter? – bang – bang – bang…

*flashback*
“Given the things you’ve been doing, and the way you’re feeling, I’m going to recommend a course of anti-depressant medication. You’re already receiving counselling, aren’t you? Keep going with that.”
Anti-depressants? What? You’re not going to diagnose me or lock me away or take me out of this – OUT OF THIS?! – you’re going to leave me in the midst of this maelstrom, drowning, with nothing but a few pills to fix things? Please, please don’t say it’s depression. No-one ever gets taken away for depression. I need to be away. I need to be taken away. I need to be locked up. I need to be made safe. I need not to be left. It can’t be just depression, pleaseohpleaseohplease…

“In my professional opinion, it’s depression.”

Ofuckno!

*flashback*
“It’s really good that the tablets are helping you so much. And remember, whatever you’re feeling, because of the things in your history, it’s all so completely explainable. All of it. Stop beating yourself up for feeling it.”

EXPLAINABLE?!
Fireworks. Brain spark. Neurones connect; finally – it’s Not. My. Fault.
It’s explainable. The explanation is outside of me not IN me. It’s not me. It’s not me. It’s NOT ME!

Breakthrough.

Twelve years after Depression first entered my life, and perhaps eight after it entered my soul, it began to leave. I began to heal.

But it was the start of a long road, and Depression wasn’t done yet.

~Lizzi

Lizzi is a Deep Thinker, Truth Teller and Seeker of Good. She works a normal job and has a secret life as the writer at Considerings
Wife to Husby and Mother to two Neverborns, now dealing with the challenge of primary infertility, she is a frequent instigator of silliness and loves to entertain with words.




Pintrest: http://www.pinterest.com/LizziConsiderer/

Please go over and see Lizzi!  I am truly thankful to Lizzi for graciously opening herself up and sharing this post on my blog today.

If you believe your child or a child close to you may have fallen victim to depression, please reach out.
For more information on signs and symptoms of childhood depression, please visit:

National Institute of Mental Health:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/depression-in-children-and-adolescents.shtml

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-in-children-and-adolescents/index.shtml

Thank you for your support of my blog!

~Jenn



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30 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for having me over, Jenn. I'm glad you're getting the word out about these issues.

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    1. I'm THRILLED you were able to write for me. I LOVE the depth of this post & can't wait to post Part 2! Thank you so much <3

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  2. Getting inside the mind of a child like this---it's heart breaking and yet so amazing that Lizzi was able to capture the emotions precisely! Reading it gave me chills because there are a lot of things here that resonate with my own feelings as a child. Brilliant writing, Lizzi. XO

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    1. However long it is in between, these things in our formative years leave such a strong impression.

      Sorry to hear there's so much which resonates for you, Marcia, but thank you - and thanks for linking me with Jenn *HUGS*

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  3. So glad to see you here Lizzi, so that even more readers can experience the magic you weave with words. And using those words to give a voice to that another you, so that if parents who read this recognize their own child, they will get the help they need.

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    1. Well, as I understand it, it's already helped one person. And thank goodness, because that really redeems the entire endeavour and the scariness of having this published.

      I can only hope and assume that any parents reading this will be invested enough to NOTICE this in their child. And that they aren't the cause of it, as happened with me.

      Delete
  4. Wow, always an amazing and vivid read Lizzie. Thank you for sharing about an often misunderstood and misdiagnosed childhood illness.

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    1. Thanks Alyson,I try. Not that there's really a way to 'prettify' this subject. But I hope the sharing helps someone...somewhere.

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  5. The Rage. The Anger. The Sorrow. The Confusion. The Insomnia. The Hopelessness. Every day is Gloomy. It's Now Affected My Phoenix.

    Wake up Call.

    Yep. Been there, Lizzi. This was spot on and you totally Knocked it out of the Park, my dear. xoxo's from us :)

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    1. Poor Phoenix. Hopefully he can rise from the ashes of his broken reality and find some joy and sunshine.

      ALLA this sucks.

      *HUGS* Thank you.

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  6. You are an amazing woman, Lizzi. For what you have survived, for what you have accomplished, and for what you do for others by being open and honest and true. I am grateful for that you are in my life.

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    1. I survive because I'm not creative (or brave) enough to do otherwise. Honestly.

      And I've accomplished, really, very little.

      BUT the being open, telling Truths, sharing my experiences and hoping that somehow, they might make a difference to someone. THAT I can do.

      I'm grateful you're in mine, too :)

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  7. I wrote a longish comment and I don't know where it went, but until it decides to come back to us, what I said was you're such a talented writer. You take people into the situation, like not many people can. This is a gift, and I'm glad you share your gift with us. I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you're sharing and letting people know they're not alone. This is everything.

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    1. Gah! I wish I could see your longish comment. I bet it was a good one. But thank you for the abridged version - you're very sweet to say so, and I truly appreciate your feedback and input.

      And yes - the sharing - the POINT of sharing and how it might, maybe, possibly help...THAT I hope will happen.

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  8. Thank you Lizzi. I'm so sorry you had to experience that pain, but so glad you shared your story.

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    1. In reality, my story's pretty mild compared to some. There are far worse stories out there and it hurts to know that they happen. I was lucky. Really lucky.

      Sharing might help. It was certainly cathartic to write.

      Delete
  9. I kinda wanna give you a hug, and I don't do hugs. So I'll hug something here, you go hug something there and it can be a hug by virtual osmosis. Ok?

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    1. I was gonna hug my ice-cream cushion. But Husby's watching and I don't want him to think that I'm a complete nut (contrary to the suggestion of the writing up there). So I imagined it. I still think it counts as virtual osmosis. And thanks :)

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  10. Oh Lizzi. I've seen this in myself. And I've seen it in people I love. You captured all the feelings and thoughts and things that overwhelm. Depression sucks.

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    1. I've captured some of them. More to come in part two...and yeah. It totally sucks. But you know what, WE SURVIVE, even if it's for lack of clear thinking on anything else to do, and eventually, if we're lucky, we come out of the shadows enough to connect, and to help.

      Sorry to know that you know this *hugs*

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  11. I had to take a deep breath before commenting. This piece hits far to close to home., to close to my own wounded and healing soul. I am so glad you are recovering. I am so so so sorry you struggled for so long. Thank you for sharing your story. It was Brave and Honest. Thank you.

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    1. So sorry to hear you know this, Michelle. I think these feelings, distilled by how young I was at the time, are far more overwhelmingly awful than the ones I've had as an adult. Which I think makes them more horrible, in a way, because they were less underpinned by common sense or logic or rationale or any of those things we DO develop as we get older.

      And hey - any time I can be Honest, I'll try - jury's out on Brave...

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  12. Depression is a tough one. I struggle with it constantly. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. I know, hun. And I'm so sorry that you do. I wish I could wave a sparklymagic wand for you and fix it. *sigh* :/

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  13. This is the day that someone's life will be saved. Because of your honesty and the fact that you are living, breathing, beautiful proof that there is hope. That you had to endure this in your life makes my heart hurt. It's no longer a secret to some that I have struggled with issues and dealt with them in destructive ways. There is hope. I know now why I was drawn in, even an ocean apart. You are my people. And there is hope. You did good, my friend. You did real good.

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    1. This made my heart smile, Sandy.

      Hope might be too high an accolade - I don't quite feel worthy to take on something so wonderful - but I AM Honest. I WILL share. I WILL kick back at taboos and barriers and darkness. And I WILL keep writing, keep striving to make that difference.

      Because it is in each other, and all the each others that hope truly resides. In the connection between two people, and that flash of recognition in the eyes, and an outstretched hand.

      I am proud to be your people. Thank you.

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  14. Wow. I agree with Cary. And, I'm so glad that you're healing, and helping with your words. Powerful stuff.

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    1. Thanks hun :) Getting there, with help, as you know x

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