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Monday, March 17, 2014

The dream that wrecks your day...

Have you ever woken to dream that somehow wrecked your whole day?

This is my day, so far today. Wrecked & full of anxiety and pain from a dream of something that isn't even real, but brought on by something very real.

My dad's suicide.

My dad will be gone 30 years this month. The pain of his suicide is something that I've carried with me my whole life. I've long gotten over the "embarrassment" of saying my dad died by suicide - especially since my brother also died that way. The stigma attached is now lost on me.  I no longer feel like the victim of a choice made by someone else. I'm just someone left behind. Someone just guessing at the why, but never really knowing.

This morning I awoke with a jolt. Someone from my past, someone I dated briefly contacted me out of the blue to tell me he was going to commit suicide. I don't know why he chose me. It's been many, many years since I'd even thought of him. It wasn't a whirl wind romance. It was just a few dinners and a realization that there was no spark. We've never crossed paths. We've never kept in contact. Yet here he was on the other end of my phone - telling me he was going to end his life. I remember pleading with him to rethink his decision. I reminded him that even though he and I didn't click - there were people who loved him. He again told me his detailed plan. Asked me to visit his parents & family at the first news of his death. To visit the wake briefly and then to see his sisters for something they'd have for me. I didn't understand. Why me? Why would he choose me? Someone he barely knew. Someone basically insignificant in his life. My talking did no good. The line went dead and as foretold, I received my call of his passing. I could feel all the familiar pain, the loss, the confusion. I held family members I'd never met and tried to put pieces together for a puzzle I'd never known. They asked me why. I didn't know. As I looked around and deferred to my husband for comfort, I was handed a journal that listed my name several times. I didn't understand.

Then I jolted awake with the familiar emotion that being a suicide survivor has dropped on me....

Guilt for something I had no control over.

I have decided to share this dream, my raw feelings and jumbled emotions with you all today because one person reading may be feeling the same guilt.  One person reading may have decided that today is their last day on this planet.

No matter what side of suicide you are on, it hurts. There is guilt, there is pain.

My brain is a swirl of emotion and questioning what's real, what's not today - even so much as wondering if this random person from my past is OK.  Yes, it's just a dream.  Unfortunately, these are the dreams of those left behind - still looking for the why.

There are resources for all of you. Take 'em. Really! I don't write these blogs for the "poor Jenn's" or the "you go girl's" - I write them to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am one little blogger here in the wonderful world of Jersey who wants to help.

Before you've made a final decision to leave this place at your own hand - know that all you're doing is taking your pain - and handing it over to someone you love who will carry it forever - along with the guilt of not knowing and the pain of loss.


Thank you for reading my blog!


If you are struggling with life:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

For Survivors, I've found a great page on Facebook that has separate groups for each individual loss:

Solos~Survivors of Loved ones to Suicide

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  1. I needed to read this posy this morning. Thank you.

  2. Now, why hasn't that occurred to me before…"Guilt for something I had no control over."


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