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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Common Ground

We've been foster parents for a good few years now.

Many little girls have come through.  Every one of them has left a different imprint on my heart for different reasons.  I've given up on the whole band aid theory.  I'm a mush.  I love from the top of my heads to the tip of my toes.  I don't bond with every single kid - a few of them I couldn't wait to leave.  It just happens that way.

This little chickadee - yet another I've sworn not to get attached to, has wormed her little way into my heart in less than a month's time.

Not only is she just the cutest, sweetest little thing - but she and I share common ground.

I always try to avoid using this as a forum to bash anyone, so I'll just say that my childhood was not stellar.  I longed for the love and attention of my mother - who only wanted sons.  Yes, I did have not only one, but two amazing dads, but it's just not the same as a mom.

This is where common ground kicked in.

One morning while I was driving her to daycare, she just started talking to me telling me how she wants to live with us forever.  No kid ever says that - no matter how bad their parent is.  That statement alone made me feel sad for her.  Of course, I tried to explain to her that she was just staying with me for a while and her mommy loves her.  At that she promptly said, "no she doesn't Miss Jenn".  My heart broke again.  She looked at me with her beautiful little eyes and said, "My mommy just wants me to stay away. from her."  I instantly knew how she felt.  My heart broke again & I felt as if I were five years old again and craving my mommy's attention.

Most women know how strong the bond should be between mother and daughter.  Daughters look to mom for all the things they should know.  When there's no where to look, you feel incomplete.

I flashed back through so many times I was "alone" - times in my life where I wish I had a mother who truly loved me to share things with me.  The birth of my daughter, when I was sick, when my brother died.  I won't elaborate, but I knew - I know this little girl's heart.  I know her pain.

I reached back with tears in my eyes & grabbed her little hand and promised her I will do all I am able for her.  It kills me that is the best promise I can make when I really just want to keep her safe, forever - just like she wants.

My daughter, many times, thinks that I am too tough on her - but she has no doubt how much  I love her.  In that alone, without anything else, I've accomplished so much more than I'd felt at her age.  I will teach her all I know - how to be strong and independent.  To have faith & know she's good.  To love with everything inside of her & how to love her own daughter like I love her.  I already know she's learning, because the compassion I see in my daughter for this little girl, and the ones before her, makes me so proud.

I do truly hope and pray that I am able to give this little girl what she needs for as long as she's here.  I hope all the times I tell her how smart she is, how beautiful she is, how good she is sticks in her brain and she knows she is good & worth it all.  I hope this time with us / with me gives her some of what I've always craved.  I also pray that her momma learns to give her hugs like I do & let her feel special and know she's worth it, and if she can't or won't - let someone else who will!.

I also pray that my own little girl will always look to her momma and always know - My momma loves me.

I wish you all the same!

Thank you for reading my blog!



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