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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

When the funny fades...

To tell you that I hate to dwell on this crap would be the understatement of the decade.

I try to say what I have to say, do what I have to do and then move on.


Not so much in these types of situations.  When suicide enters your life - it's very difficult to just turn your back and walk away.  Suicide settles inside of you.  It crawls into those deep dark crevices and makes itself at home, like a rodent in the eaves of your home - chewing at the wires until it creates a really dangerous situation, or at least that feeling does.  It's a feeling I can't describe, nor do I want to.  It's a feeling that I hope you don't know, if you don't already.

I know that there are so many people who read my blog who don't get it. I know my husband is one of those "don't get it" people.  That's OK.  Not everyone does.  I used to be one of those "don't get it" people until it happened to me.  Twice.

I feel INCREDIBLY LUCKY to not suffer from depression.  LUCKY. Fortunate!  Depression runs rampant in my family - two suicides, alcoholism and drug abuse.  RAMPANT.  I've been sad. I've been really, really sad and maybe a tad depressed, but I've never wanted to die. Sadness is a feeling you can get beyond.  Depression takes hold.  That is the difference between sadness and depression.

I can remember back to when I was a little girl, sitting next to my dad on the couch watching Mork & Mindy.  I can remember my dad's hearty laugh and his statements of Robin Williams being "off the wall."

Robin Williams was, without a doubt, hysterically funny.  He is, well was, one of my favorite funny people.  He was my dad's too.  They were both funny guys, though my dad was no Robin Williams, he sure thought he was.  They both left this place in the same way - by their own hand.

Tears of a clown is the best analogy I can come up with.

Depression is a bitch. Depression is one of those things that people have learned to try to hide. Try to self cure.  Drugs. Alcohol. Dangerous living. Being funny. Pick a mask, any mask. As long as the depression doesn't show and make anyone else uncomfortable, it's all good.
No it's not.

I try to express my feelings on this as often as possible, without turning away those of you who don't "get it" or don't want to hear about it.  I understand.  NO ONE wants to hear about it.  NO ONE wants to talk about the "crazy" the "sick" the "it never happens to me" the "they need shock treatment" the depressing depression.

It needs to be talked about.

That taboo?  That "elephant in the room" as someone so graciously input on my FB page - that elephant needs to be addressed.  That elephant needs to be called out and dealt with.

Until that happens, people will continue to die at their own hand.

People do NOT have to die at their own hand.

There is SO MUCH life left to live.  So much wonderful life.  Yes, there will be pain.  Yes, there will be hard times.  Don't let the lies of depression tell you that it's hopeless.  It's never hopeless.
You are never, ever alone.

If you are in depression's grasp, please let someone you love and trust know.  If you don't feel like you love or trust anyone at the moment, tell someone else.  It doesn't matter who you tell.  Tell someone. Reach out your hand.  Someone WILL grab it!

The mask can only last for so long until the pain takes over, until the funny fades.

Mr. Williams - thank you for the laughs and for a wonderful legacy of funny.

May you, and the others before you find the peace that you were unable to find in this place.


I wish you peace and love.


**  If you are struggling with Depression or Suicidal thoughts - Please DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE!  PLEASE reach out.  Let someone help you.  Life is good.  Really.  **

(as shared from )

National Suicide Prevention Helpline (U.S.)
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)

International Directory of Suicide Hotlines
Need someone to listen & help without judging?

Warmline "Listening Line" Directory (U.S.)

Befrienders (International)
Concerned about someone online?

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  1. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It opened my eyes to a whole different story on Robin Williams death. We need to be more available to people and recognize if we can their struggles. Our world has changed so much since we were children and in many ways, not for the better. Thank you again for sharing this with us. God Bless

  2. Thank you very much for continuing to address the subject of depression and/or suicide. Most people get tired of hearing about it. If you suffer from deep depression for long about 40 years you don't even try to talk to anyone other than a therapist about your feelings because it becomes embarassing to say the same things repeatedly to friends and/or relatives.

    How paradoxical that even having contemplated suicide in the past I know the pain of my nephew's suicide and the 8 attempts of my beloved niece, his sister. I know all too well that you have to know when you're on the edge of the abyss when, as you say, depression lies. There is that last turning point before one makes a final decision. Unless someone or something intervenes in that ONE MOMENT self-harm of some sort is predictable.

    Years ago I thought knowing all the "whys and wherefores" would make me feel better and recover from depression forever. Like any other physically based condition such as diabetes, lupus or many other conditions the fact that your brain chemistry isn't optimal although medicine can't yet explain it with certainty depression or any mental illness is found in the physiology of the body. A generational genetic predisposition exists in my family yet no one can tell us if it's nature or nurture but probably some combination of the two.

    I don't have many answers especially after the blow I feel from the loss of Robin Williams. It has a greater impact knowing it was by his own hand because I know how dark and desperate he must have been in that last moment of "lying truth" from depression and his bi-polar disorder.

    Sorry for rambling. I really wanted to commend you for taking the time and space on your blog to adress this. Too many people aren't knowledgeable enough about this disease. It still carries stigma and is often thought of as only laziness or self-indulgence even by myself quite often.

    Sometimes just being there is enough to interrupt that one moment...words can't always reach a person in the midst of that one moment.



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