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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Living in the Dark By: I Will Get Up Again and Again

Some people on here I've latched onto for dear life.
Not because I want to ride anyone's coat tails - because that's not my style, but because I see something in them in some way that draws me to them.

It's no different with today's guest blogger.  I've latched onto I Will Get Up Again and Again for my own personal reasons.  Mostly because I want to see her continue to get up.  I want her darkness to fade and for the sunshine to fall gently on her face as she smiles and says out loud... 
"It's a good day!"

I have been reading I Will Get Up Again and Again for several months and I like to think I'm one of her biggest cheerleaders.  Even if I don't always outwardly express it.

Her story is one of consistently choosing to get up every single day.  Even when it's like living in the dark.

I give you  I Will Get Up Again and Again:

Readers of my blog know that I’ve struggled with various forms of depression and suicidal ideation off and on for several years.  Consistently since my youngest was born in 2002. The intensity spiked up ten notches after I had gastric bypass and the ability to absorb medication properly came to an abrupt halt in 2004.

Some days I believe I am the Queen of Suicidal Ideation.  I imagine my psychiatrist believes the same thing.  Several years ago, shortly after I was released from a short inpatient hospitalization, she said to me “Do you really believe you will eventually kill yourself?”  I can’t even tell you what my response to her was.  What she said next, I know I will never forget.  Ever.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to process.  I didn’t process it.  I didn’t even let it affect me.  She was right.  I knew it.  And just like many other areas things in my life...I stuffed what she said...deep down in the ‘don’t go there’ emotional bin.  

It wasn’t until about 18 months ago, when she said it to me again, that it dug deep. Even deeper than the first time. When I left her office, I spent another hour sitting in my car.  Processing what she said.  The depth of her comment.  And how incredible hard it was to hear.  

“__, I’m not convinced you won’t kill yourself.  And that haunts me each night.”

This was a continued conversation regarding medication, the lack of being able to take them, being at the end of another failed attempt, and pure frustration for both of us.  

I had no hope at that point and the pros/cons of being hospitalized was thrown around. To hear Dr. KSB confirm she didn’t have that hope, was a bit devastating.  Initially, few years earlier, it didn’t have the same effect.

I contemplated never going back to see her.

I made an appointment with a psychiatrist that specializes in gastric bypass, whom I had seen when I was in the hospital, whom had done an evaluation on me prior to my WLS, and whom even though I didn’t like...I did trust his knowledge was extensive.  It was a 6 month wait to see him.  I was desperate when I scheduled that appointment.  The appointment came and went.  He confirmed that I was seeing one of the best psychiatrists and that I needed to continue my treatment with her.  He gave me his recommendations and sent them to Dr. KSB.  Telling me to follow-up with her in a week or two.  He also, added several dx to my permanent chart.  That appointment was a year ago.  None of his recommendations were options at the time.  Dr. KSB has left the one recommendation as a last case scenario.  Agreeing that the only way she would suggest it being an option, would be if there was an attempt to end my life.  It would be, as he said...”LAST CASE SCENARIO”.  
And so...I continue to see her.  She knows me. I know her. She trusts me (I think). I trust her.  
And she knows that filling me with all sorts of medications is not an option.  
At my last appointment with Dr. KSB, we discussed the current state of my marriage.  My husband and I are both patients of hers.  Once again, she told me ‘my gut tells me you would not survive a separation or divorce’.  Damn as much as I know that. It is harder to hear it.  Once again, I sat in my car for a good hour after my appointment trying to process what she had to say.

Currently, mental illness waxes and wanes in my life.  There are a few good days here and there.  There are suicidal days where I’m holding on to the last bit of the frayed string, trying everything in the book to stay alive.  Some days all I can do is lay on the couch and watch my dogs play, listen to my children's voices, fighting against everything to hold on to their sweet voices.  Praying and hoping against all hope that the depression will lift.  Leave me alone.  At least for a day.  

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t suicidal.  I had more than an entire day without the constant thoughts of hurting myself, the bad thoughts, the self hatred, and self harm impulses.  Just sadness.  Sadness that this is my life.  The next few days, I wasn’t so lucky.

That is the nature of this beast.  The last 18-24 months this has been my life.  It is a constant battle to get up every day.  Some days, the darkness lifts.  

Everybody Hurts by REM rings a bell.  I woke up thinking about this song this morning.

And so....I leave you with that.

Everybody Hurts.
Everybody Cries.
Hold On.


And I will add I've had a bad week of suicidal ideation.  Self harm crap has been sky high.  My BFF informed me I'm to negative and need to try to increase positive in my life.  And while I know she is right, when every ounce of my energy is taken by going to work....there is nothing left.  Excuse?  Sure as hell is.  Bit it is where I'm at.  I have went as far as have plan in place and need to be talked down off the ledge by one of my Orlando Moms.  She gets this place.  I know she does.  And somehow that makes it that much harder.

Thank you, my sweet G for sharing your story. You know I just want to hug you through the computer every single day.

Please go on over and visit G on Facebook at:
 I Will Get Up Again and Again
And her blog page at:
I Will Get Up Again and Again 

Keep getting up girlfriend!

Thank you all for continuing through this series.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

No matter what problems you are struggling with, hurting yourself isn't the answer. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a counselor at a Lifeline crisis center near you.

Someone loves you and someone WILL miss you.  I promise!

Never, ever give up.

Lots of love,


  1. I commend you for getting up every single day again and again. My best friend has struggled with terrible depression and suicidal ideation for years as well as self harm. I will pray for you and for your continued strength! I wish I could hug you through the computer too! I tried for many years to tell my BF all about positive thinking, and affirmations, only because that works for me, but what I didn't realize is, that it could not ever work for her! Most times,things like that don't work for people who are truly struggling with real depression and suicidal thoughts. My BF had her entire apartment packed up as if she was moving, but she wasn't moving at all, she was planning to leave this world. I would have been beyond crushed, beyond devastated. Something saved her that day, but I worry every single day about her :( I'm not sure if it would help but I just gave her the new book by Augusten Burroughs called "This is How' and let me tell you, it is not about positive thinking, it is a self help book like nothing you have ever read before. It embraces everything from weight issues, insecurities, death and most importantly suicide. It goes to your deepest, darkest places and walks you through. It helped my BF tremendously, she lives by this book now. It is not the easiest book to read but chilling and real. I think he is brilliant as far as addressing mental health issues because he has lived it too! And I promise you he won't tell you to think positive and to will it all away with happy thoughts. You will be surprised at what he has to say and maybe it will help you a little bit too as it helped my BF. I wish you the best! xoxoxo HUGE HUGS!!!!!

  2. I have been there. I understand to an extent (noone can truly understand what another lives with). I will not tell you to "be happy" but I will tell you to attempt to find your positives. Even if it is the sun shining in your eyes, the smile of a stranger, the ability to earn an income, the wind in your face. Try your damndest to turn a bit around for good. It is perspective that make tiny, minute, changes in your outlook. Try things that don't cost a dime, like tapping or meditation. Spend some time sitting, clearing your mind and BEING quiet. It takes effort and it takes work, but it is worth it. Exercise, increase your endorphins. I am not saying these things because I know it all, I am saying these things because I live it. It has made an impact in my life. It is ok to surround yourself with others who get it but don't get bogged down in their shit too. If you live in the garbage dump it is pretty danged hard to smells the roses.

    You cannot will this away, but you can keep it at bay. I promise. I know you are strong enough.

  3. ((((HUGS))))) Jenn. Thanks for your sweet love and support.

    And know I love you!! And I know that you know what I meant in the last part of this post. ;)



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