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Monday, January 20, 2014

What makes them tick?

I try really hard to NOT make this a "suicide blog".

As a suicide survivor two times over in my immediate family, I'm ultra sensitive to suicide.  When I learn of a suicide around me, or even in the newspaper - it hits home.

I can feel all those feelings all over again.  The pain, the loss, the confusion.  The WHY?

There's a couple of things in the news today here in the wonderful world of Jersey.  One, a confirmed suicide of a bright young woman.  Someone who so seemingly had everything going for her.
Perfect, as the article writer suggested.

The others, unconfirmed - but why people would want to speculate is beyond me.  Is it the hype?  There is no hype.  There is no cool.  There is no wow.  There is loss and there is pain.

Growing up, I always knew in my heart that my brother wanted to leave this planet.  Even when he was very young, he was always the kid that had that black cloud following him.  He'd try really hard to do something and something else would kick it over.  Nothing seemed to go right for him.  He always had a smile - but he was also always sad.  Always looking for ways to get into trouble and always looking for ways to numb his pain.  When he left this planet at 39 years old - I wasn't completely shocked.  I was sad.  I was hurt. I wondered why, for a moment.  I was never completely shocked.

I still never REALLY understood.

I don't understand how the basic instinct to survive could be overcome by the desire to die.
I don't understand how the person wanting to die could turn it all off and just leave.  Forget about those who love them.  Those who depend upon them.  Those who will never, ever understand.

What makes them tick?

I have said more than once - my brother's suicide was my undoing.  It's what changed me.  It's what brought every emotion that I'd suppressed in my life; every bad situation that I'd stashed away, rise to the surface for me to confront.  Like it or not.

A lot of the stuff that's come forward is incredibly difficult.  There are plenty of things I never wanted to face, or remember, or deal with.  Things I would have been perfectly content to have stayed buried forever, that hurt me to my very core.
As difficult as these things have been, I never wanted to die.

My father left this planet when I was just 18.  He was my best friend, my care taker, my daddy.  He and I were like peanut butter and jelly, as he'd always said.  I know with every fiber of my being that my dad loved me and loved so many others around him.  He knew he was loved.

But he left.  Just like that.

I never knew why.  Not really.  He was my daddy.  I didn't see the pain within him.  I only saw my daddy.  The sun rose and set over him.  I never had a clue.  When I looked at my dad, I saw a man who overcame so many obstacles and remained true to himself and others.  In so many ways I always wanted to be like him.

I still don't understand.

Now, today I read about this bright young girl.  An amazing athlete, beautiful, smart ... "Perfect."


What makes them tick?

What makes a person decide, "That's it.  I can't do this anymore."?  And leave.  Just like that.

I'm emotional.  True.  Things may touch me on levels that no one else could or would even comprehend because they haven't lived through the loss of someone close to them by suicide.

No one needs to die.

Life is hard.  Super hard.  As a kid, as a teen, as an adult - life is hard.  Some days are harder than others, but you can't see the beauty at the top of the mountain without the climb.  Sometimes you'll trip and fall and be disappointed along the way, but the climb is always worth it.

If you are someone struggling with suicidal or depressive thoughts - please reach out.  Do not be ashamed to talk to someone and ask for help.  Reach out your hand - someone will take it.
You are not alone!

For those of you, like me, who were left behind to wonder why - you are not alone either.  You didn't do this.  This is NOT your fault.

We don't know what makes them tick.

Thank you all for reading this and for your continued support of my blog.

Big love,

If you are in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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