Be careful what you wish for...

When I was in my early 20's I dated someone much older than I.  Now it doesn't seem like much, but in my early 20's - it probably made a bit of a difference.

I was absolutely ga-ga over him.  I was this young little thing and he was this "worldly" older man, as far as I was concerned.  All happy go lucky, and always smiling.  He had really great energy & I just loved it!

I'll never forget the one day we were out together and he told me, "Be careful what you wish for."

I was totally starry eyed.  The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, love love love love love love love...I totally did NOT get it!

Ahhh, naivete...to be young again.

He was right, of course.

Not because he was some sort of cad or awful person, he was a great guy and we had a lot of fun together.

The fact is, he was quite a bit older than I (not telling how much older) and knew better for me.

I can honestly say that even though I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, I still think the world of him.

 

I now consider his bit of wisdom a gift, and something I've carried with me throughout my life.  It gave me reason to take a step back and look at the entire picture from the outside & think...Is this something I REALLY want?  Or - is my "I want it, and I want it now" going to give me a good swift kick in the rear?

As I've gotten, eh hem, older (ugh) and wiser, I appreciate this so much more.  This bit of wisdom has made a huge difference in my life - even if I didn't like it much when I received it.

So I say thank you, kind Sir for sharing your wisdom & kindness.

Sending virtual hugs to someone who made a difference in my life.

And in honor of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day Holiday:

An Irish Blessing
May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.  May the sunshine warm upon your face, and the rain fall softly on your fields.  And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Peace~Love and Tie Dye~

~Jenn

What is Love?

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I've just revised this post after giving this much more thought, and I'm not done thinking - so that smoke you see, just ignore it... It's me :)

Seriously though - I do always say what a love bug I am and how I do just love everyone.

In my heart, love is caring deeply for someone.  Wanting to protect them, care for them, look out for their best interest and let them know they're special and important.  Looking at what love is called to be, I've got some work to do...

Let's start with the first one... Patience.  Ugh, me??  Patient...man oh man - do I have work to do!  I am not the picture of patience.  I constantly struggle with my I want it and I want it now!  I don't want to wait.  I want instant gratification - when I put it out there, I want it right back!  Not just back, but RIGHT back.  Not patient.  Ugh...Strike one!

I've got kind down, at least I hope so - but that's for others to decide.  I know I try to be kind to others.

I can't be bothered with the jealousy game & I try to not be boastful.  Good there, I think.

Pride??  Well, I'm proud of my kids for sure.  Especially my son these days.  I am also proud of my own accomplishments.  Not so proud of some behaviors.  I'm not sure where I fall on this one??  How about you?  I'm pretty sure this is pointing to arrogance - in which case - whew, I'm good again :)

I try to not be Rude, but can be....

Self seeking... Ooooh... Ouch!!  Hello blog...
I hate to throw this phrase out there with this type of post, but I'm clearly an attention whore!  I love attention, well here anyway.  I don't like to be in the direct spotlight, but who doesn't like to be noticed.  That's clearly strike 2 for me.  I don't even want to know where I fall short next.

What is clear - is that I need to go back to the drawing board.

I need to go back to what love is.  How are ya'll doing so far going step by step?  It's not so easy.

Clearly love is more than just that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart.  The wanting to do all for another person, keeping them safe, caring for them.

It's totally surrendering yourself to someone else.  Whoa, hold the phone there.

I know that I love my husband so much more than I can even say - but when we disagree - I need to be right.

I love my kids as I live and breathe, I'd totally lay down my life for them - but am I always kind when they piss me off?  Um, probably not.

My friends - My family - love, love, love - but we disagree too at times.  Maybe I'm not always kind, respectful, humble - forgiving.

I'm putting this out there in a whole different way than I had initially intended to this morning.  I've deleted an entire post and started from zero at 6 am this morning.  Please be fluent in typo, please be fluent in typo.



I know that "religious" posts can turn people off - and well, sorry if you're offended.  If you don't want the religion, take the love - look at the love & feel the love, baby!

I always say - love is for everyone & it really, really is!

Thank you for reading my blog & have a wonderful day!!

~Jenn

Mommy NEEDS Her Coffee!

What is it about my kids that they feel they need to bombard me with questions for things that won't even take place for many months, the second I get out of bed??

They've known me their whole life (well, except the chickadee) do they not know mommy needs to grab a big ol cup O'Joe and shake the cobwebs out before I even open my eyes??

WHY in God's blessed name would they even dare speak to me?

I clearly do not look friendly.  I definitely don't act friendly, but here they come bouncing over at 6 am with - "Mommy, for Halloween I want to be a..."

STOP RIGHT THERE...  First of all, it's March.  Second of all - I haven't had coffee - I don't care and I don't want to care until  maybe September.  Get back to me then.  "Well how about my birthday party, can we talk about that?"
Um, again...That's AUGUST, it's MARCH - C O F F E E  child!  Get the point??

Now there's tears... Mommy's so meannnnnn.  Ugh, really - do I REALLY want to start my morning off like this?  I've given very specific rules - the one being no one is allowed to leave their room / bed until at least 7 am.

That's fair.  I'm an early riser, by 7 am I'm already up, caffeinated & potentially human - or at least on the way.  Much friendlier for sure!

I don't find that so difficult.  If someone would tell me -- please lie in bed until at least 7 am, I'd ask if 9 am were better & jump all over it!

Wait, it gets better... the short one has no concept of it's only 6 am...  Miss Jennnnnn, can so & so come over for a play date now?
Um, NO it's 6 am - I don't even want you awake and talking to me.  I certainly don't want anyone else's child here now, on purpose.  Go to your room.... more tears.

Can we win here??  I'm thinking NO.

But wait...Then there's daddy's input, "why don't you just let them come out & watch TV?"

Really??  Thanks, ol buddy, ol pal... Remind me to have them come and poke at you when you're having your mid-day nap and we'll see how we feel about quiet time THEN!

Really, I love the kids.  Of course I do - duh - but gimme my quiet time, will ya?

7 am - not a minute sooner!  Mommy needs her coffee!

Thank you for reading my blog!!

~Jenn

If you're looking for crafty & creative, look away....

This momma is not at ALL crafty and creative.

The best drawing I can do is a mighty stick figure & the kids will still ask me what the heck that's supposed to be.

I really admire how some of my fellow bloggers have all these pretty pictures up and a dazzling website - not here.

Here you get what you get!

Sorry folks!  I just learned to throw in some clip art to distract you from my typos & lack of proofreading.  This is as crafty as I get.  Yeah, I know - awesome and amazing, right?

Okay.... I may be a little envious of those other blog sites who have pretty, pretty flowers & beautiful backgrounds.  Don't even get me started on all the crafty little mommies - whatever.  It's all I can do to get through the day with what I've got to get done - never mind making it all pretty.

I, my friends, am NOT an crafty little overachiever!

In the words my kids are not allowed to use, I can't do it!!  Oh and I've tried.  I've sat with my daughter doing her little projects for class and she runs circles around me.  She can design a background, make beautiful little birds with clay and pipe cleaners & then a pretty little nest out of things she's gathered from the back yard.  If I tried to do that, I can assure you it would be a hot mess!  And um, my daughter is 9.

My son - amazing!  He can look at his hand and draw this fascinating sketch of his hand in 4 dimensions with ivy flowing out of it and magnificent shadows that make me stare in awe.

Anything I draw looks the same.  I love that my kids have this!  I'm logical and mathematical.

I have a wonderful & deep admiration for all of you ultra-organized crafty folks, who have everything down to an exact science.

It would truly make my brain explode!

So again...If you're looking for crafty and creative - look elsewhere!  I'm sometimes witty, sometimes dramatic, sometimes I've got some amazing insight and sometimes I'm just a blithering idiot...In any case, hope you enjoy the show!

As always, thank you for reading my blog.

Have a wonderful and amazing week!!

~Jenn

Would you die for love?

Before I go on, this post isn't going to be some lovey dovey outpouring of love and romance.  At least not the way you may be thinking.

This post is going an entirely different direction.

You could leave if you'd like, but I'd rather you stay.  Grab a cup of coffee & your reading glasses if you need them.

Get comfy & put on your open minded hat.

Now you know that I'm not the type to cram my beliefs down any one's throat.  I'm also not a stellar example of how you should be.  I'm more the example of do as I say, not as I do.  I'm working on that.

I am not at a cross roads of faith.  My faith is strong and I believe wholly and completely that the greatest love of all saved me from myself.

My cross roads is with my own mortality.  My I want it and I want it now.  My selfish little self and my own failure to forgive and move forward.

(I'm getting "naked" again)
My downward spiral started exactly July 31, 2011 - which was the 24th anniversary of the day Gary died.  Normally - I'm not so challenged with that date.  I remember, I reflect and I move on.  This year,that date rolled in and through the entire month of August all the way through September.

August should be the BEST month of ever for me, since that's when I was blessed with my beautiful daughter.

Instead, this year, it represented the births & subsequent deaths of the 4 most important men in my life when I was younger; My dad, my step dad, my brother & Gary, the first major love of my life in my teens.

This, along with what I considered a mile stone birthday set me into a downward spiral, which has lasted several months.  A melt down that has made me face things and people in my life that hurt me.  Things I regretted.  Things I wasn't proud of.  Secrets I've kept.  People I've hurt & people I should have been more grateful to while they were there.  I've also struggled with health issues that brought me down even further.

During all of this, I've separated myself from the One Person Who loved me more than anything.  The Person Who died for me.

I'm sitting here pissing and moaning about all the things I don't have - and Jesus had it all, and let it go - for me.  For us.

Do you know how powerful that is?  I really hope that you do.

Yes, I am Christian.  I grew up in the Catholic faith, became severely dismayed & began attending the local Baptist church. That was the best move we made for our family.

You could click x here & quit reading, but those of you who know me personally can see the positive change in me, compared to 10 years ago.  I am much happier in my life.  I had plenty to be happy for prior to being saved, but there was a shadow over me.  A shadow that seemed to block me from appreciating the wonder in my own life.

That shadow is right now standing in my path & trying to pull me down again, but I know - Someone actually died for me.  Gave it all up and succumbed to being tortured and killed...for me.

I can't say for sure that I would ever do that.  Well, yeah - I would die for my kids.  I'd take a bullet for my husband and best friend, well most anyone I care about - but I'd worry about who would take care of my kids, so I'd try to be sure it didn't hit a major organ or artery.  ;)

Seriously, think about it.  Would you ever REALLY die for love?  How about for someone you don't even know?  For someone that's not even born yet?  I'm not sure I could - as a matter of fact - I couldn't.  I'm a totally selfish, self centered human who thinks God owes me a life.  What a brat I am!  He doesn't owe me a thing, but I owe Him everything.

I know some of you are non-believers.  I know some of you are totally anti-religion.  Some anti-Christian, or just not Christian.  I'm not trying to convert anyone.  I'm not good at it.  I'm just me and as I said, I'm the perfect bad example.  A perpetual work in progress.  One step forward, two (sometimes three) steps back.  Someone who truly appreciates you getting this far.

I do believe that most of you have at least heard of  and maybe even believe in Jesus, at least Jesus the man.  Most of you believe the stories you've heard or maybe even the stories you read.  I believe He is there.  He loves me & He gives me all I've got.

I ask you to just think again, would you die for love?  Now think about how powerful that really is.

I am a selfish, self centered, totally imperfect, really bad example, who messes up over and over again - and Jesus loves me anyway.

That is just amazing to me!  I hope it matters to you.  If not, I hope I've got you thinking.

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

PS.  Side note from me...  I just want to thank everyone who is so supportive to this post.  This was very difficult for me to write & especially to post for many reasons.  I love you all!  Thank you xxoo

PMS, explained... Now please pass the potato chips!

This morning, my beautiful little girl asked me, "Mommy, what is PMS?"

Part of me wanted to tell her how it's that feeling inside you that any time someone looks at you sideways, you just want to poke their eyes out...but I decided that was something she'd learn in her own time.

Instead, this is a little of how our conversation went:

Angelic Child:  Mommy, what IS PMS anyway & why do you say we should leave you alone when you have it?

Moi:  Sweetie, remember when mommy talked to you about the girlie thing?  (her face shadowed over with horror)

Angelic Child:  Yes, Mommy.  Ugh, we're NOT going to talk about THAT again, are we?

Moi:  No honey, we're not - but PMS is what happens to our brains and bodies BEFORE that.

Angelic Child:  You mean PMS is worse?

Moi:  Oh yes, baby - it is worse, mostly for everyone else - but for us too.  Imagine that someone is standing behind you & has you in a bear hug squeezing you tightly.  You know that feeling like you're having a hard time breathing & you want to break free, but you can't?  Now imagine that all of the wonderful chocolate and potato chips and lovely salty food are right within reach - but you can't get it.  You REALLY need it - but some jerk is holding you in a bear hug.  How would you feel?  (Now I held back the fact that I'd also really just love to punch some one dead in the face - but she doesn't need to know momma has that feeling just yet.)

Angelic Child:  Well, I would feel angry, mommy.

Moi:  Yes, that's right baby girl.  Now know that all of that anger you're feeling isn't real.  It's all in your pretty little brain.

Angelic Child:  That sounds crazy.

Moi:  Yes, crazy it is, sweetie - crazy it is...As a female who will be subject to these feelings some day - you can get away with saying it's crazy.  No man will ever be safe to say that.  Do you understand why mommy acts angry sometimes?

Angelic Child:  Well, of COURSE I do, mom - if someone was standing in the way of my chocolate and potato chips - I'd be mad too!

Moi:  Good girl.  Now pass mommy that chocolate covered potato chip over there, will you?

See, it makes perfect sense, doesn't it??

Today - dear folks, I would just love to punch someone dead in the face.
I'm totally feeling the, "What these are YOUR Pringles??  Well isn't that just too damn bad for you??  Why don't you just get into your little car, drive down to the convenience store and get yourself another package.  Prying these chips from my hands could definitely lead to certain death... You sure you wanna play???"

Yes, yes - that's right.  Throw chocolate & some sort of salty treat and leave a nice bottle of red wine while you're at it.  Don't forget to leave a little note saying how beautiful I am and GO AWAY!

There - PMS!

Any questions?

Thank you for reading my blog...

~Jenn

Gimme Back My Stupid Humor!

I know I'm going to sound like an "old person" when I say that they don't make comedies like they used to.

I'm no prude, but I could totally do without the dirty comedies that perpetually drop the f-bomb.  What happened to the just plain ol funny stuff??

There are a few newer guys, like Will Ferrell that crack me up - but gimme the 80's stuff!

I could watch Uncle Buck 100 times just to see John Candy go flying across the room when his girlfriend, Chanice, kicked the kitchen door open while he was eavesdropping!

Naked Gun?  How funny was it to watch OJ Simpson stumble across the floor, step in a bear trap, burn his hand on the stove & fall out the window??

Tommy Boy?  Fat guy in a little coat.

Don't even get me started on Chevy Chase's Vacation movies.  His faces alone crack me up!

Yeah - I know it sounds mean and cruel to laugh at someone else getting hurt - but we KNOW that no one is actually getting hurt.  This is why shows like the 3 Stooges were so popular.  We watch a bunch of people falling, getting hurt & slapping each other around & we laugh like it's our job!

In a society where everyone is so sensitive, this kind of humor seems to have fallen by the wayside.  No, no - let's not teach our children to pretend to slap each other around in silliness - instead, let's teach them the really bad swear words & show them how to use an automatic rifle.  Yeah, that's better!

Stupid Humor!  Totally dumb, nonsensical stuff that means nothing.  Bring it on!  I'm ready to laugh!

Have a fabulous day full of stupid humor!

Lots of love,
Jenn

Open Letter to My "Beloved" Medical "Professional"

Disclaimer:  This is most definitely a rant, riddled with sarcasm.
If you feel you may be offended by it's content, please do not go further.

Additionally, if the made up word "Jackwad" seems offensive to anyone - I apologize.  I heard it and thought it was funny & decided to use it.  I miss a lot, so if it means something really awful, please let me know so that I can change it.  For everyone else...enjoy my maniacal rant.

My Dearest Dr. Jackwad,

First of all, I'd like to thank you for giving me the ability to enjoy a nice long nap whilst waiting for you in the examining room.  A power nap is always appreciated, but could we please turn the heat up a bit next time?  It's a little cold hanging out in just that flimsy little gown.

Oh, and I'm truly sorry that your wife locked herself out of the house.  I can see how incredibly important that was to MY appointment!  That extra hour and 22 minutes gave me time to contemplate where to hide my own key in the event of a lock out.  I'm grateful for that, really.

Please don't sweat the argument you began with me about that medication you prescribed to me.  You're absolutely correct, I forget things.  Got it.  I'm sure that it's much nicer to make me look bonkers, rather than actually taking the heat for not updating your own chart.  You were indeed a stellar example to your intern.

Oh, and about the chart -- since I'm pretty much just a chart anyway, please allow me introduce myself.  Hi, I'm Jenn, your patient.  Hi, hello...Over here...Good, I've got your attention.

Generally I'm an easy little patient.  Sometimes, just sometimes - I actually need to ask a question.  I'm so terribly sorry to have thrown your day into an uproar by expecting to actually be examined and hear how my tests were.  Yeah, the ones from 5 months ago.

It must have been incredibly difficult for your office to remember to fax me over that little blood work prescription that I called and emailed 6 times for in the past month and a half.  But sure, no problem - tell me about my blood work results from back in October instead.  I'm sure they'll do just fine now, in February.  Oh, no time?  Sillly me.

Wow, and I though I was forgetful.  But then, I also create prescription scenarios in my Lupie little brain to create havoc for you.  Shame on me.

Don't you worry...I don't mind your arrogant attitude at all.  I was totally unaware that you had a high degree in being God.  Here I though you were a medical "professional" who studied diseases.  Had I known you were God himself, I'd have spared myself the hour and a half ride down to the armpit of this lovely state and just lifted myself up in prayer.  That would have been a much better option, wouldn't it?

Since we've already touched on my creative little brain making up prescriptions - let's discuss your aversion to actually writing out prescriptions.  Holy Crap!  I had no idea that actually requesting a written prescription would be such an issue.  By all means, please feel free to blink them into existence.  I can wait.  I've been here for two hours anyway.  When will dinner be served?

You've understandably been hurt.  Please know that your line "perhaps you've been seeing other doctors" really cut me to the quick.  You know you're my one and only.  See, let me show you my little iPhone.  See, that's your name, right there on the prescription at the online pharmacy's website, isn't it??  Yes, yes...that's right - on the prescription you would NEVER give me.

There, there... I know how devastating it must be to you to have so many of us just up and leave you.

Could it be your bedside manner?

I know that you were grumpy, but couldn't I have at least gotten a kiss on the cheek before you told me to get dressed and get out?  Not only did I not feel the love, but my dreams of streaking through the hospital were shattered.  Darn you!

Clearly I'm just a naughty little patient.  How dare I actually WANT to know the results of my almost 5 month old blood work, or even dare to let you know how I'm feeling.

Really - it should be about you.  Doc, please tell me about YOU.  How are YOU, Dr. God?

I realize that I ask for entirely too much during my $295 visit.  I should really learn to be more considerate.

Perhaps I should go bug that other doctor less than 10 miles from my home?

I know she may not be God in the flesh - but maybe I won't be as much trouble to her.

Thank you ever so much for taking time out of your incredibly busy schedule to meet me for my scheduled appointment.

You go ahead and have a wonderful day now.


Sincerely,
The Loopy Lupie

Sportin' My Rose Colored Glasses....

Despite random crap that I duck out here & there - I have a fairly good outlook on life.

If stuff bugs me, I ignore it and smile bigger.  If someone doesn't like me, I usually don't pick up on it (or necessarily care).  I just float around on my little Planet Jenn spreading sunshine & waving my little freak flag around.  I'm hangin' with the fun folks.

If you want to be a party pooper - go poop someplace else!

Seriously,  for those of you who know me in the life outside of cyber world, have you ever really seen me "explode" or be really pissed off?  OK strike that...  Those who have known me for a REALLY, REALLY long time have witnessed moments of exploding Jenn.  For the most part - these days, that's not happening.  What's the point??

I used to care - and sometimes I still care, but I'm over it.  I have this pretty little pair of Rose Colored Glasses - and the world looks much nicer through them.  I see sunshine and butterflies & happy, happy, joy, joy.  Wanna borrow them??  I'll share!

Wouldn't that make life so much easier?  If everyone could just let life's woes just roll off their back?  Have everyone holding hands & giving hugs singing Kumbaya?

Over the past few years, I've learned to let go of the crap and look at the positives - all the pretty, pretty colors.  Yeah, I'm blessed with this fabulous little, whatever it is, I don't know - is it a "disease" or a condition???  Who the hell cares!  I've got Lupus.  At first I was all "woes me."   This hurt, that hurt - I can't do this, I can't do that.  Now - Done.... It is what it is and I'm taking my own advice and not using the word CAN'T!  I yell at my kids for that & they've promptly corrected me.  Set straight by those under the age of 10, eek!

Really, I've got the bull by the tail!  I'm living the life of Riley!  I've got this AMAZING family, yes... all of you!  I have a great husband who is not just my hubby, but a total partner, friend & buddy.  We can give each other crap & laugh about it.  I've got the bestest best friend anyone could ask for and some really amazing girlies who I would do anything for & vice versa and just really great friends.  Don't even get me started on my kiddos...  I could gush for days over them.  :)  Yeah - I've got it all baby!

I don't surround myself with ick.  If you want to have a puss on your face - well, I'll try to make you smile & have fun, but it's your decision to be a big ol' butt head.  Me, I'm going over THERE to have fun!  Wanna play too?  If not - take your toys and go home!

Now that I've come through the purge of the nonsense I've been holding on to - the things that needed to be said, the thank you's that needed to be made & the forgiveness I'd denied - I can smile bigger.  I'm free, I'm free!!

And I'm DEFINITELY liking the "Rose Colored Glasses" much nicer than those ones with all the crap on 'em.

So...Want some Rose Colored Glasses??

Thanks for reading my blog!

~Jenn

Clearing your plate, Saying Thank You and Letting Go....

Sometimes you really do need to hit rock bottom to appreciate the things you've been given in this life.

Fortunately, for me - I don't think I've ever really been at total rock bottom. 

I'm a survivor & I will fight tooth and nail to get what I need to get & be where I need to be before I totally crash and burn.

There was a time, well actually a few times, in my life where I felt like I was about as low as I could be.  Just different things - death, love loss, whatever.  Some of it silly stuff, and other - some really substantial stuff.

Things that put me in a place where I pondered life & wondered if it would ever get better.

If I really did deserve more, or if this is all there was.

Now - you'd never know I was ever that person.  You may never have known I was that person.

Partially because I hide the crap in my life behind a big ol smile & try to just have fun.  Not spoil the party for everyone else.. Ah yes, the perpetual martyr.

During these times, I'd made some really poor decisions & created more problems for myself.  Some I was able to overcome and let go of right away - others just took more time, more undoing & a re-start.

Lately, I've been "clearing my plate".

Don't get me wrong, I'm in a really great place in my life and incredibly happy.  I just have all this extra 'stuff' that I've been carrying around that was bringing me down emotionally.

Controlling me in ways I didn't particularly like.

I've also been able to reflect on the people who were instrumental in my life.  Those I didn't give proper kudos to or appreciate in the moment.  Say thank you where I need to & let those folks know how much they mean to me.  Others, I laid my 'woes' out on the line.  Some debated.  Some ignored.  Some dealt with it.  Some cared, some didn't.

Doesn't matter - it's done.

Friends, don't worry - I'm good!  I'm actually REALLY good right now!  Sometimes making peace is really all you ever need.  Even if that peace is just with your conscience.

I consistently preach on how secrets, lies, jealousy, anger & hate will always hurt you more than the other person.  Ain't that the truth!

Put it all out there & say here - this is what's on my mind.  This is how I feel and let it go.

The other person may not like it, but if they're meant to be in your life - no matter what you're relationship is - they'll accept you and continue to be in your life.  If not, oh well.

I've cleared my plate with some VERY substantial people in my life.

It was difficult for me, because I never want to hurt anyone or be disrespectful.

Sometimes things just need to be said.  They may not even care - but why keep bandaging a wound that never heals.

Get it out there.  Say thank you & let it go....

Clear your plate & be happy!

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

Beauty is only skin deep

One thing that I take pride in about myself is that I've always been able to look past the exterior of a person and see their heart.

In a society that's all about beauty and fashion, the bigger better deal - that's not easy to come by.  I was once told by someone (and if you're reading this, yes - I'm calling you out) that he was superficial.  He flat out told me that that when I was 40, he'd trade me for two 20 year olds.  Well Ok then...

Personally, I feel that I've blown up like a wood tick since I got sick - but once upon a time - I was a tiny little size 1 with six pack abs. That's right, I was a pretty hot little chickie.  The only problem is that was all the guys saw.  No one really saw my heart - or cared to, so aside they went.
That was really sad to me - because I am a really kind and loving woman with a huge heart.  I never wanted to be the little trophy.  I wanted someone to love me for me.
I'm also pretty smart.  I had to play that down A LOT in business, where in walked the tiny little blonde & no one cared what I had to say.  I didn't like that much.
Ok - fine - I'm not going to lie - it did open quite a few doors for me without having to try so hard, but when it came down to the time for me to strut my stuff, I became frustrated because no one wanted to hear it.  Then I became a little bitch.  Oh and no one wants to hear that either, just by the way.

I was never the type of person to go looking straight for the 10.  They were entirely too much work, and I never wanted to be with a man prettier than me.  If it takes you 2 hours to get your hair done, see ya...I want a man who's a MAN!
I was raised, during my teen age years, primarily by my step dad.  Navy.  So that means we had a very regimented household.  Things happened in a certain way in a certain amount of time.  As a woman who has a husband, a Marine, waiting on her - it works to his benefit, because I can genuinely get up, showered, dressed, made up and out the door within a half hour.  No lie. So why the heck would I want to wait for some man to take 3 hours to primp??  Uh, no thanks.

I do get the fact that physical attraction is what brings people together initially.  Physical attraction has never been the thing to really get me.  It may catch me, but it seldom kept me.  I can remember being - I don't know - 20 maybe & I ran into this REALLY hot guy from high school - and when I say hot, I mean jaw dropping OMG hot.  He asked me out and we went out on one date.  Absolutely nothing between the ears - nothing.  I did hang out with him a few other times in a group to see if I was mistaken, but nope - nothing.  Not to say that all hot guys are dumb as a stump, but this one surely was.

So why are we not looking more deeply at a person?  Why do we not see the inner beauty of someone?  I don't get it.  I know some amazing men, single and not butt ugly either!  What the heck??  This, of course, goes both ways, I just currently have more single male friends than single female girlfriends.  I believe that if people would look more deeply, they could see what's real - instead of getting all caught up in the pretty packaging.

Not for nothing, but that tiny little ring box with the pretty wrapping & pretty bow could very well contain a big ol rock - and not the sparkly shiny one you were hoping for!  I use the ring box analogy, because I once got earrings in the small package - my heart was beating so fast, I thought oh my gosh, this is it & then earrings...He has since redeemed himself many times over, but to this day, I hate those earrings!  My point is - that you need to look beyond the outer package.

I met my husband online - back before it became the thing to do.  Total fluke, totally unexpected and not what I was looking for.  This meeting gave me the opportunity to know him (and fortunately he was NOT a closet ax murderer) and really enjoy the person he was before I met him in person. I got to peek inside the box and then get a look at the wrapper.  And even if he was butt ugly, which he is of course NOT - I still love the person he is.  I love his heart.  He is a wonderful an amazing man, who I am truly blessed to be with.

So quit looking at the pretty packaging.  Quit looking at the box & peek inside.  It's what's inside that will matter - not the pretty pretty packaging.

Beauty is only skin deep... in time, beauty fades & all you're left with is what's inside.  Is it a rock or a shining diamond?

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

Baby Brother for Sale

Nah, I'll keep him!  After 40 years, I've grown pretty attached to him.

I'm sure at one point in time, when you were younger of course, you've plotted some sort of destruction against a sibling.  My baby brother was always the safe one.

My brother, Eric, on the other hand - I'd have given a way to the first taker.
Funny, because now - I'd go deep into debt just to have him back for 5 minutes.  I miss that big lug!

I was happily blessed to have my "baby brother" accompany me on my trip to Chicago, along with my best friend.  He actually  had no choice in the matter - I booked his stuff & said you're coming!  He needed to get away and I needed some time with my little brother.

Yes, he was tortured endlessly, just by being my little brother - poor thing.  Lynne remembers him being the tag-a-long little sib as well - and he was trapped between two women laughing like escapees from the asylum.  He really did a fabulous job hanging in there.  Especially when we stormed his hotel room at 8 am demanding he be awake.  Love you Darren!

Ok, so back to my baby brother.. look at him, isn't he cute?? 

And yes, that's me - the doting big sister.  Aren't we the picture of happy loving sibs??  You'd never know I tried to ditch him so many years ago when I wanted to hang out with my friends, sans little brother... Ah, but that wasn't his fault.  He was just a little kid too - and he was a real cutie back then.

So, about my brother - you wouldn't know by looking at him - but he is actually the drummer of what was a once an up and coming metal band - Ten Feet From Murder.  Lost Soul Video
Not usually my kinda music, but hey - I had to represent for the little bro.  Can I just tell you, my baby brother ROCKS IT! 

Here's a picture of him on stage at Starland Ballroom warming up for Testament.  Anyone remember Testament?  They sound the same, but you really need to just close your eyes and listen to them play - because seeing them in spandex now is not a mental picture you don't want to carry with you.  Trust me!

Darren is also a successful plumber with his own business.  And ladies, he's single & looking to mingle.

He's a sweet kid - oops, sorry, I mean man...  Can't get away from that one.  His picker is just off.  Nothing against the women he's dated in the past (well not all of them). Remember the post where I said the gears have to fit??  Well, he needs to re-adjust his "picker".  (Look, Darren - I said the right word this time, lol)

Everyone gets their turn in the barrel in my little blog once in a while.  Darren, it's your turn!

In all seriousness - this is my "baby brother" - and I love him as he lives and breathes, and would walk through fire for him.  I may tease the crap out of him still (what are big sisters for) but I would also do anything for him and he knows it.

Darren, it meant so much to me to have you there with me in Chicago!  We need more sib trips together!

Thanks for taking care of your big sis and being an awesome brother.

Thank you all for reading my blog and my little "internet love letter" to my baby bro.

Have a wonderful day!

~Jenn