After all, they're the ones you've lived most of your life with. In many instances, the first other kids you'd ever known. Your first friends. Your first partners in crime. The ones you hated at times, but would still die for.
They know all the buttons to push, when to push 'em & how hard.
Siblings are an important piece(s) to the puzzle that is your life.
Around this time of the year, I get really sad.
On August 27th, 2007 I lost my younger brother.
It was truly one of the worst days of my life, if not the worst.
I'm not going to get all high and mighty and speak with piety - because the worst part of my brother leaving this planet without me getting to say good bye is that we weren't speaking, and I hate that! We hadn't spoken for several years. Even worse than all of that - our not speaking had NOTHING to do with each other.
Outside circumstances - people - events are what came between us, what divided us.
Eric was my first sibling. Number 2 in the pecking order, with me being the big sister, the numero uno at the top of the heap. He and I fought - oh my gosh, how we fought. As an adult, I'm embarrassed to say that we actually fist fought and even drew blood. If my kids fought like we fought, I don't even know what I'd do. Looking back, it was really awful - but we loved still each other.
He always knew that as much of a pain in the butt as he was - and believe me, he was - I was always there for him. I was always the first person he'd call if he needed help, if he was really sad, or if he needed money. Whatever it was - he knew he had a no questions asked policy with me.
Even though I was his older sister, I was his main care taker growing up. He knew that, I knew that. So when he left this planet - I was completely out of sorts. I wasn't there to help him this time. I didn't know he was suffering. I didn't know he had pain. He didn't come to me, like he had in the past. He struggled with whatever it was - in silence, not talking to anyone. As a result, my dear brother took his own life.
I genuinely think of my brother every single day, feeling as if I'd failed him in some way.
A friend of mine's mom went through the same situation with her sister. Many years before I lost Eric she would tell me over and over, "Jenn, keep trying. Just keep trying. Call him, send him letters. Do whatever you can - because if something happens and you're not speaking, you'll never forgive yourself."She was right.
My point of this posting is not to draw sympathy to me - but attention to your own sibling relationships. I know a few people - right off the top of my head who aren't speaking to their siblings. Some issues are big, others small - others just flat out foolish pride. It's not worth it! Let it go!
There is NOTHING on this planet worth a division between siblings. NOTHING!
Work it out! Somehow, some way.
Because in the end, when you look back on your life - the endless reel of memories that will play out in your mind WILL have your siblings in it.
How awesome is it to share that with them?
Thank you for reading my blog!
Love you guys, really!
~Jenn
PS. Darren, I love you & I'm sending you hugs through here for now. xxoo
(To those of you who don't know...Darren is my "baby" brother)
Rest sweetly on the wings of angels, Eric. Love you and miss you always.
re-post from August 23, 2012
Ok, I'm officially leaking some water-like substance from my eyes. Though my sister didn't take her own life, literally, she did so in so many ways with her reckless behavior. No matter, it still hurts knowing you weren't on speaking terms at the time. I get it 100%. Love you! xo
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome Jenn. I'm calling my brother now. He is my hero, he always has been and I have told him that a few times, because I never want to go through something like you had to suffer through. I hope you can find peace.
ReplyDeleteTeri
Snarkfest
This very reason is the reason that I found a half brother that I never knew until after my father had passed away. And in doing so, not only have I been blessed with two nieces, one nephew, two great nieces, four great nephews, a great great nephew and a sister-in-law, but a great, big brother!
ReplyDeleteHowever my own two children have a bit of a love/hate relationship.....I'm showing them this blog! Thanks Jenn! xo
Wow Jenn, this is powerful stuff. It's been a fear of mine that my brother would pass through this world and we'd not have a relationship. Sadly, though I e tried and tried, both my siblings just don't get the importance of the sib relationship and choose not to bother. True, I'm much younger, so we didn't share many memories. But still it saddens me that we're not speaking. I'm saddened for you too. What a difficult thing. Thank you for posting this. It's an excellent reminder that life and relationships are precious. xx
ReplyDeleteGreat WORD again Jenn. I have one sister and we talk all the time. My dad (89) and his brother (87) aren't on speaking terms..it saddens me.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be close to my brother again. This post makes me miss him. The trouble is my brother has a very inflated ego and he thinks I'm a complete idiot, so when I do try to talk to him, most of the things that come out of his mouth are, "Shut up, Angel," or "REALLY, Angel?" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" He even said all people with autism should be in jail. It is upsetting to me because he is the ONLY sibling I have. But maybe I should just try harder.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm so sorry. I'm sure he loves you but doesn't know how to express it properly. Sometimes people just don't understand each other. Big hugs to you. I love that you're always here & always so supportive. xoxoxo Don't give up. <3
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