Despite the fact that sleep eludes me, I do my best writing when I first climb out of bed.
In my foggy existence, I can still recall the things that plagued me in my dreams. The things that used to be and the realities of what are.
One of the wake up life realities?? I'm sooo much cooler online!
I think, to some degree, we can all relate. Especially we blogger folks. HERE, online - the shades are down. We can say whatever the heck we want & no one says much about it. People don't know who we really are, what we really do. We can hide behind the keyboard. We can also let down the walls and be who we actually are with a little extra flare of awesome.
Truth? I am a mess. Really. I know that at first glance it appears to people "in real life" that I've got my shit together. That I'm insanely popular and was always this way. I AM the chick that people can't wait to be friends with....
Ennnn, wrong (yeah, I couldn't figure out how to spell my sound effect.)
Let's start back in school. I really CAN go all the way back. I didn't fit.
At least that's how I felt. I went to Catholic school. I was ultra honest with the things that went on around me. Not only did I horrify the nuns on a regular basis, many of the kids would ask me why the heck I would say the things I said. What? I was just being honest. I can't help it if the life around me produced jaw dropping responses. That was part one - and that was also the part that prompted my mother to remove me from Catholic school, immediately if not sooner, and deposit me into the local public school. Where I again - did not fit.
OF COURSE every one wants to be a part of the popular group. Entering into the public school, one of the popular girls was the only girl I knew. Not only was she the popular girl - but she was the queen of the mean girls. I didn't get the whole "groups" thing, so even though I did have a circle of friends and a friend who was really super kind to me (Diane B, if you ever read this, you are this friend). I finally started to feel like I fit & then.... Uprooted & moved onto another town. I was there for like 5 minutes and gone...
Wanna talk about culture shock???
I went from knowing how to navigate my life and taking my brothers where they needed to be to a place where I knew nothing and no one. Uprooting us was not easy. Separating us was worse, but that's another blog.
We moved anyway.
I had the same responsibilities, but knew NO ONE, except my cousin, Jill & the girl who lived downstairs when I moved across town. I was totally naive. TOTALLY!
This girl, though my age was having sex. I was definitely NOT. I think I was 13 or 14, I can't remember. She had me totally convinced that being a virgin was totally uncool! No, I didn't run out and rectify that - but I did lie about it. Yeah, surrrreeeee I've had sex. Lots of it. So now... as the new girl, meeting new girls - that put me in the big ol SLUT category. Those girls never hung out with me again. I moved AGAIN and never discussed my non-existent sex life again, but those stories did follow me.
I eventually found friends who were more like I was. On some level, we all "fit" together - but ya know - there's always one queen bee who doesn't want your ass around and makes your life hell. No problem. I am who I am & always was.
The one thing that you all out there probably know by now is that I don't conform. I don't fit, I move along. I may try to twist myself in a knot to fit at first - but if I can't bend in a certain direction - I move along. Even in my young teens, I knew that things just shouldn't be that hard - if they were, move along and dance to the music in my head. There will be someone else who is dancing to the same song.
I, of course, did have friends. Many actually. Like minded, wonderful friends who I have kept all these years. Well, most of them. I don't talk to EVERYONE, but I am in a position that I can still pick up a phone, say hey and pick up where we left off.
I may, in the real world, dress a certain way or act a certain way or carry myself a certain way that may lead you to believe that I think I'm this very secure person, who is very used to being the popular girl. Truth, the only reason I haven't acknowledged you directly yet is because I'm so busy concentrating on not tripping over my own two feet that I didn't notice you standing there.
I just ain't everybody's cup of tea. (I forget what movie that is from.)
This, my friends, is one of the reasons I'm such a fan of online friendships and blogging. That exterior wall, the facade that everyone sees first, does not exist. We all get to see what's real - what's on the inside first.
This is also the reason that I will keep my kids here, in this town, until they graduate. Roots & wings, folks - roots & wings. (yes, this is a multi-purpose post and obviously a lead in to a future post)
You see, I know that as much as I make a blubbering idiot of myself and trip over my own two feet - if people hang around long enough to look beyond the surface, they get to see what's real.
THOSE are the people worth keeping.
Yup, I ain't everyone's cup of tea. I am the best me I know how to be and I love all of you for hanging around.
I know I skipped around a bit here, but ya know... it's less than 6 am and I'm only on one cup of coffee.
Cheers!
Thank you for reading my blog!
You all have a fabulous day!!
~Jenn
Jenn, I'm having a cup of tea right now and I'm raising it to you. It's chai. A little different. Fitting, isn't it? I terrorized the nuns in Catholic school too. Didn't fit in most of the time - still don't - not even in my own family of origin. I totally relate to what you're saying and what you're saying about blogging. Thank Goddess for blogging and for all the amazing people we meet along the way, like you, my friend. I do my best writing in the a.m. too. The kids are off to school, I'm sitting here in my yoga pants and sweatshirt and notbody's around except all the lovely folks on the internets. ;) xx
ReplyDeleteKids are fed the myth that High school years are the best years of your life...no wonder there are so many teen suicides. High school sucks for most and the ones that love it usually end up as losers later in life. You do fit in, you fit in with millions and millions of misfits. Misfits create 99% of the good stuff in life.
ReplyDeleteI love that line: I'm the best me I know how to be. And I for one am glad to know you. :)
ReplyDeleteWell, as someone who can say they know you "inside and out", you are a truly amazing person and I'm so glad that we're friends. :)
ReplyDeleteFor me personally, fitting in has always been tough. I was always the responsible kid. From elementary to high school, and even in college, I was always playing the "mom" role in my friendships. I wanted desperately to go out and party and have fun the way everyone else was, but all I could ever think about was the consequences an activity may have on my life...my dream...my goals. I was always a practical thinker, something that my peers had no way of understanding. I remember my mother telling me recently, that I was born with wisdom that for some didn't come until adulthood if at all, yet for me I was lucky to be born with it. As an adult now I can look back and kind of agree with her...maybe I was lucky. But as a child it was a double edged sword which to this day I feel got in the way of experiences that I now wish I had. However, now that I'm in my 30's I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I like who I am, and I'm very proud of the person I have become.
ReplyDelete