It didn't really feel all that different to me while I was going through it. It just was.
I knew what to expect. The schedule was more consistent to me than anything else in my life at the time.
My dad was AWESOME. He never, ever missed a weekend with us. He was there every Friday night - 5:30 PM on the dot or earlier, ready to get us. It was hard for my dad to be without us during the week. He genuinely loved us & enjoyed spending the time with us.
It is for this reason that I don't understand why some parents (and I'm not just talking dads here) would reschedule or miss visits with their kids altogether.
The precious time allotted just for them and their kids...disposable?
Instead of being thrilled to have the time, they're complaining about having to make concessions.
Get over it, this is your kid!*NEWSFLASH* Your kid? They are making concessions too! Have you noticed that at ten years old a child genuinely has a social life? They have friends & sports. They have events and parties to go to as well. And ya know what - they'll throw it all aside at any time, just for an hour with YOU - their parent!
Sadly, I know both sides of this particular coin. Not only was I a divorced kid - but I was also a divorced parent.
My son's father & I divorced when my son was 5 years old. I was then thrown into the other side of the visitation schedule. The side that I didn't know about when I was a kid.
It was then that I learned my parent's side of it all.
I learned the pain my mother must have felt when I decided I wanted to live with my dad, coupled by the pain of my child not wanting to see me every weekend because of friend commitments. I learned the joy of my child wanting to come back home & felt the compassion for how his father must have felt when my son came back home less than a year later.
I WAS the kid who was torn between two parents and I became the mom who tried to make the adjustment smooth for my son. No matter how painful, difficult, annoying or inconvenient it was to me.
As a foster parent I see a lot. On more than one occasion, I've seen a child sit on the front porch - or peering out a window for hours waiting for a parent to show up. I've seen the look of despair in a child's eyes when the parent is late and doesn't call and when the parent doesn't show up at all.
I wasn't the kid waiting on the front porch for 3 hours waiting for my dad to show up. My dad showed up!
Parents need to show up....
So that when your child hears "See ya on the weekend, kid" - they can believe that you will actually see them on the weekend.
Be present.... SHOW UP!
Thank you for reading my blog!!
~Jenn
OMG! This makes me want to cry! My parents didn't divorce until I was already an adult but holy crap did we have some crazy dysfunction in our household during my teenage years. I'll be married to husband for 10 years come this January. So far so good... We fight, of course, like everybody, but I can't even fathom having a problem so big that we would resort to shuttling our kids back and forth every week. On the other hand, I know there are really good reasons to get divorced. I count my blessings every single day!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really moving post!
Thank you :) Keep counting your blessings, if you add up both sides -the blessings usually win :) I appreciate your input! Thanks for reading & commenting!
DeleteAs a divorced parent who did not grow up with divorced parents, I totally appreciate this blog entry. This whole parenting thing (specifically single parenting)is way harder than it looks. I want my ex to be an active part of my kids' lives, but he lives 2 1/2 hours away and doesn't make as much effort as he should and I totally overcompensate with my kids. On my weekends, the kids and I go on wild adventures so that they know that I cherish my time with them and prefer their company to almost anyone else's company. I have the best Dad in the world and it's so hard to deal with their father-who is a complete narcissist....hopefully I am raising well-loved children who will be fabulous adults because I do my very best to let them know they are THE MOST important people in my world! I think that letting your kids know that they are important people builds their self-esteem. Keep up the blogging!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for sharing your side of things, Amy! It sounds like you're doing an awesome job with your kids & in the long run - not only will they appreciate it - but they'll have a ton of great memories to share.
DeleteThank you so much for commenting & for reading <3
what a wonderful post. I never went through that as a kid, but some of my cousins did. I'm separated now, but my kids see me all week long as I work from their house during the day online, so I'm always there when they come home from school and am there a lot when I'm not with my boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Keep up the good work, momma! Thanks for your input and your support :)
DeleteThis is great! Very well said. My oldest child hasn't seen his "dad" Since Jan 3rd 2009. One day he just quit calling and quit seeing him. I went to take him for his mid week visit, no answer at the door. He quit answering his phone and a year later we quit getting child support. We have never heard from him since. It broke my child's heart. I will never ever understand how a parent could do this to a child. I cried for my son for a year. Then one day he quit asking for him and we moved on as a family. I can't stand to see a child's heart break!! :(
ReplyDeleteAwww, so sad for your son! Luckily, my son's father wanted to remain in my son's life. We did not have a fabulous divorce and nothing was nice, but time has passed and the fact always was - it was about our son. He got both of us, the end. :) Big hugs!
DeleteI'm the child of divorced parents and at the time of the divorce, it didn't really effect me that much. I hardly ever saw my dad anyway because he was in the Army so it was no big deal. It wasn't until adolescence and adulthood that my daddy issues came with a vengeance. My husband and I separated almost two years ago. It was horrible on my daughter. After 4 months we realized we didn't want to do that and that we really loved each other and we made a commitment to really work on ourselves and our relationship. I'm thankful everyday that it worked out because it would've have been NASTY. He was married previously and his situation with the ex was horrible. We tried everything we could with her but she was just unreasonable. And now, sadly, we have no contact with his daughter. It was a horrendous mess but long story short after she sued us she petitioned him to give up rights. It was a very hard decision but it was the right one for us. It's easy for other people to judge and say that they would never do that or allow their spouse to "give up" their child, but sometimes it really is in the absolute best interest of the child and in this case it most certainly was. I'm hoping that one day when she's older and our kids are older, they can connect as siblings. The order says we cannot initiate contact, but it says nothing about siblings. I pray that it all works out in the end. I'm so glad that your dad was a GREAT dad. There are so many that aren't. Love this post!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for working it out!! This is a great story to share... Thank you :) I love to hear the positive side to things.. because there IS a positive side. Thank you for your input. Your support means tons :)
DeleteThanks for this one Jenn. I could probably write a very similar one, too, being the child of divorced parents. Mine divorced when I was 7. My Dad was always there to pick me up every other Friday. I would live with him during the summer break from school even though my parents only lived about 10 minutes away from each other. I truly would not want to imagine what it would have felt like to be waiting for him and have him not show up. My dad disappointed several people in his early life; mostly because of the drinking. But he never disappointed me. If he promised me something, he would do it. Even today, he's one of my biggest champions. Like you, being a parent now, I see the other side of it. While I'm a widow and not a divorced parent, my husband is a divorced parent so my step-children live this life. I am so proud of my husband for being the type of father who shows up. He's sad when they go home with their mom on Sunday and wishes he could see them much more often. He himself is not a child of divorce. Neither is his ex-wife as her parents are still married. Sometimes, it is me giving them the perspective of the child because I am the one who has experienced it first hand. My children don't have one of their parents in their lives anymore. Some parents have had the tragedy of losing a child. I have little patience for those parents who don't recognize that those things could happen to them, too. So yes, show up and be there because you never know what might take away that opportunity tomorrow, and you may never get another opportunity again. Love this post!!
ReplyDeleteThank you :) Again, another amazing piece of input!! Kudos to your hubby, and to you for understanding your step kids... Having ALSO been a step kid, I know how hard that is :) Thank you for supporting me & for being a great parent!!
DeleteYea since I got re-married and became a step-mom myself, I have a whole new appreciation for my step-mother! I should send her flowers now. :D
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the list of those whose parents divorced when I was 7, sole custody with mom, visitation with dad and that may as well say 'rarely saw dad after that'. My parents didn't have a set schedule for visitation. My dad could come and pick me up and take me whenever he wanted. I can count on one hand the number of times I can remember staying with my dad. So for the majority of my life, my mom was both Mom and Dad to me.
ReplyDeleteBut I strongly believe it made me not only a better person for it, but also a better parent to my own children. Been lucky enough to be married to the same guy for almost 18 years and I don't want my kids to deal with what I dealt with as a child.
Great blog, as always, Jenn!!
Hugs
Teri
Snarkfest
It's amazing how resilient kids are! I'm so glad that your experience strengthened you as a person & clearly as a wife and mom.
DeleteThank you for your comment
Smoochies xxoo ;)
Like you I've been both, a kid with divorced parents and a divorced parent to my kids. And funny enough I just posted about part of my experience as a child. I wasn't ever upset as a child that my parents divorced, it happened when I was 12 and I was ready for it. By that point I was over their hatred of each other and the constant fighting. But it sucked on it's own level, and I always hated that I never had both of my parents around for support like other kids did. I had an absent mother, but she was absent when they were together as well, so it was just how it was for me.
ReplyDeleteMy kids now have a father who is like the ones you talked about. Always acting like it's an inconvenience. Like his schedule is far more important than anything they have going on. The kids love playing sports, but they know that he's never going to come watch them play, nor take them to games or practices if they fall on "his days". He just can't be bothered. And he wouldn't be bothered at all if he weren't paying child support, I fully believe if he wasn't ordered to pay support he wouldn't even bother with picking them up. He shows blatant favoritism to our son over our daughter, and it's obvious to everyone but him. He's always got stuff going on so that he needs to skip a day, or have me pick them up early. And he only gets them on Wednesday nights, and every other weekend (from Sat. at 1 til Sun. at 7 so not even a full weekend). I'll never understand.
Luckily for my kids their step-dad is amazing, and would do anything and everything for them. He's never too busy to drop what he's doing and take them somewhere, or to help them with whatever. And for me I was lucky enough that my dad filled both roles excellently (as best he could) and I never missed a beat.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry your kids have to go through it, but like you said - they have a great step dad. I wish you the best.
DeleteThe kids father and I separated when I was pregnant with Amelia. Steven was two. He ran off with someone he met online. He didn't take responsibility for them at all until about a year later. Even that was because his mom pushed him. That set the stage for all these years later. Missed weekends, whatever you could think of. I used to feel bad when they were smaller. But now that they are teens, I appreciate that they stay home more than they are away. (I would never say that to them)The other household is completely different from ours, and I hope that the foundation we have set has prepared them to know right from wrong when they aren't here with us. Not that it's dangerous, just...different. NEVER, EVER have I uttered an unkind word about their father to them, but I also NEVER made excuses for why he wouldn't show. I made sure that he himself would tell them why. As far as I was concerned it was "I'm not sure honey, I'm sorry". Now that they are older, I realize I never had to tell "my side" of things. They can see clearly now for themselves. They can make their own decision about things, without my influence at all. I have remained completely neutral for 14 years and can only pray as they continue to get older, get married, have their own families, that I can remain neutral.
ReplyDeleteWOW! That turned into a blog post, didn't it! Maybe I'll steal it back for one. Proves we should write what we know.
You guys are so great with ALL of your kids. For a good long time, I didn't even know that you were married before. You are an amazing woman & I love you to pieces xxoo
Deletefantastic post!!! my daughter's father and i divorced when she was one and while he's an ass to me he's not to her. he's a good dad and im grateful for that at least!
ReplyDelete