Peeking through my own back door....

Every once in a while, I am called upon to do something that may put me in an uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes I'm really excited, but apprehensive and others I'd just assume skip altogether.  Yet I do what needs to be done - because that's me.

I need to be delicate as I write this, because while I shouldn't really give a flying frog about who may get hurt, I actually do.  Why???   Because I'm a FLIPPIN' SUCKER, that's why!

Advance disclaimer, I love each and every one of you - and while your jaws may hit the floor or you may gasp at some of the content - this is a total vent.  Silent hugs welcome, but please no open acknowledgements.  Deal?

OK... soooo, I was invited to an event that I was incredibly honored to attend. This event also had attendees whom I would rather stay far, far away from - forever.  Others, I just need to deal with and I did so in a, let's call it "business casual" sort of way, as emotionally removed as humanly possible.

That emotionally removed part - you may as well take that and throw it as far as possible, because I am extremely emotional being and tend to the sensitive side in some situations.  This was one of them.

One thing I've learned from my son and from the chickadees that pass through our home, is that no matter how incredibly bad, wrong, screwed up or even evil a child's parent may be, the child will STILL jump through hoops to impress, please and do all they can to try to make their parent love them.

...This weekend, I was that child.

I'm physically holding back tears as I type this, because all of my life - I never understood how I became the outcast in my own family.  I've always been the caretaker, the one to keep everyone safe and together.  The good one.  The one who went to school, who did what they were supposed to.  The one who was strong and responsible through it all.  I just don't get it.

Some of my very old friends, like Pam & Jill, for instance - will read this & say, "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION?" They know me, they know my life. They've seen things first hand & remember events I'd blocked out of my brain. They get it, they know.

The fact is that this weekend wasn't about me, it was about someone else whom I respect.  I'd have done back flips through the base if asked to.  So yes, I put myself in the line of fire and conducted myself respectfully... And fired at I was.

Not directly - or even blatantly at first.  Subtly.  Little jabs here & there leading up to the one final blow.  The TKO.

Mostly I ignored things.  I am very secure with the person I am.  I know I've accomplished a great deal in my life.  Much more than this other person.  I know that I'm a much better person, with better morals and true love in my heart.  I know how far I've come without the help that normally comes along while growing up.  I smiled through it and instead bought drinks, declined the offer to have one purchased for me.  I am too strong to be put down by subtlety.

And then it came.  Moments before we were scheduled to leave to go home.  Aim, Shoot... Bulls eye. Right through the heart.

Taken down by this short string of sentences, delivered to my husband, as I sat beside him with our girls.

"Thank you so much for taking on Jennifer and her son.  It must have been so awful and difficult for you. (as if we were some horrible diseases)  After the mistakes she's made, it's about time she found someone like you."

'cuz ya know - I walked into walls all day long with no direction up until that point. (no offense to my hubby,whom I adore)

Ugh!  Really?  No recognition for the hard work & personal struggles I've been through, ya know whilst raising myself.  No good for you - no atta girl.  Nothing, zilch, zip, nadda.

Ignored was the memory of me - at 7 caring for and raising myself and my two younger siblings.  Ignored were all the times I'd had to cover up for things that had been done. Things I had to hide from my brothers, from my father - so he wouldn't leave, situations I'd been inserted in to deal with things that a child from 7-12 should never have to deal with.
No accountability for the fact that this 7 year old basically raised herself into adulthood.
-just the broadcast of my mistakes, as the ever blaring slap in the face, that in the eyes of that being, I am unworthy of anything.
Words delivered by the one person, whom a 47 year old, seemingly intelligent adult was trying to impress, like a small child.
To gain respect - love - or even a good for you.

Suddenly, my backdoor was kicked wide open.  The flood of pain came rushing back to present, and remains as I type this out.

For this experience will make me hug my kids a little tighter.  I will continue to be a little tough on them, to teach them to be strong individuals who can protect themselves in the face of this kind of emotional torture - but at the same time - have a strong knowing that their mother loves them.  Truly, madly, deeply - forever.  No matter what.

I've taken a step back lately from many situations.  A few situations where I've had my feelings hurt. Places where I've felt - well, not as important as I thought I was.  Though it should be pretty obvious, the silence has made me realize where I stand in so many areas of my life.

This particular situation has walled me up good and tight to protect myself from the people I think I can trust.

Because when it comes down to it, there aren't a lot of people who will put someone else before themselves.

I've gotten a great big view of that.

This too shall pass....

For now, I leave you with the tears of a clown.

Smoochies, my loves.

~Jenn


...and you thought Mr. Fifty Shades of Grey was messed up :)