Deep Thought for the Day....

For anyone who's received or read the Sunshine Blogger Award, you've noted that the first question is:
What would you most like to change about yourself?

I immediately knew what my answer would be.  It's the one thing about myself that I can't control, for whatever reason.

That is that I'm "over the top".  In your face.  Too much.  Too everything.

Then I began to think - well, how did I get here?

Naked time....

OK, so if you've been reading for a while or even reading back - you may have noted that I've had quite a bit of loss in my life.  Much of it happening while I was quite young.  My dad when I was 18 and my first love, who I had remained very close with, at 21.

Prior to all of that - I'd taken life and the people around me for granted.

Losing my dad was more than difficult for me.  My parents were divorced.  I was living with my dad and had an awful relationship with my mother.  When my dad committed suicide I was alone.
I wasn't welcome to live back in my mother's house - because I chose to go live with my dad and well, it was my problem that he was gone, not hers.

I struggled for years over my dad's death.  I made stupid choices just latching on to anything that would help me to find an ounce of security.  To feel safe in my own skin.  Whatever I tried didn't work.

After my dear sweet friend, my "big little sister" & also Gary's little sister, Karen became my room mate I was able to start re-building me.  She was great for me.  She was good with who I was.  No pretending with her - because she knew me for who I really was.  She was/is as fun loving and goofy as I am.  She also knew my dad, my family, my relationship with Gary and loved me anyway.  I didn't need to rely on some outside source to help me.
I was figuring it out & Karen was right along side me figuring out her stuff.  The two of us laughing OFTEN!

I slowly began to heal.  I still made really stupid choices - heck these were the the ages between 18-21 we're talking about here.  I was a big ol ball of stupid - with a sprinkle of the responsibility of work, school & bills & a whole lotta crazy!

When Gary died, it both strengthened & killed our relationship.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was stupid.  She was absolutely grief stricken & we just couldn't help each other.  I went my way, she went hers.  We stayed in touch sporadically - but sadly - didn't talk for a long time.  If we did - it wasn't like it had been.  Not for a very long time.

Looking back now - I know it was my fault.
She needed me - and I was just too freaked out by major loss #2 that I pushed her away.  Not because she'd done anything to me, but because I was afraid to lose her too.  Pushing her away was within my control.

After many more mistakes & years of therapy - I'd regained me.  I'd regained the person who I am - but now instead of pushing people away - I never let them go.

Before you think I'm this insecure little hausfrau - please know, I'm good with me.  I'm a good person and really, I am very secure about myself.  I could actually stand to be taken down a few pegs from time to time :)   My problem is the fear of losing someone & the need to keep them close.

I love everyone.  Yes, even you, person reading this blog!  I genuinely care about people.  I want to do good for others & care for anyone I am able to care for.  Does it hurt me when I'm pushed away - yeah, of course - but I'll go on.  I've got lots of people & I keep finding more.

At the risk of seeming like I'm being a copy cat, I love the mental image of being tackled by your puppy who hasn't seen you in a full 2 minutes, yet they feel as if they haven't seen you in FOREVER when you walk in the door!  The love that they throw all over you.  THAT is who I am.  *To give proper credit where credit is due - this is Katy at I Want a Dumpster Baby's M.O.
I had to borrow this, since I feel like I fit comfortably into that little niche.

I often wonder if the puppy ever feels neglected.  If the puppy thinks; "Man, I just love these people to death.  I give them all my love and wet kisses.  I always make them feel special.  I leave them presents.  Why do they leave me in this crate all day?"

I feel like that sometimes.  Probably a little more today since I've got a wicked case of PMS brewing and oh, my horoscope said something about Cancer mooning me or something...  Who knows?

Mostly, this behavior of mine is received well.

I guess it's better to be overly friendly than an angry bitch, right

I know I'm over the top.  Overly everything.  The one thing about myself that I wish I could tone down.  The piece of me that not everyone gets - or realizes that I really will settle down after a while.

Ya know, just like the excited puppy.  After a while - he'll just plop at your feet and take a nap.

So how about you??  Since we're getting all deep & thinking on Thursday.... What's your issue?

Come on... bring it!

Have a fabulous day & thank you for reading my drivel... Um, I mean blog today.

Smoochies!

~Jenn

PS.  For anyone who doesn't know - I am still in touch with Karen.  She lives far, far away - but she and I are still "sisters".  And Kar, if you're reading this (because I sent it to ya - so you better be)  I LOVE YOU!!  Big Hugs & Smooches!