Miscellaneous Ramblings of an Angry Little Lupie - Rant

I've been having issues again and YES, I'm incredibly cranky about it!

I know that I've got all this wonderful knowledge in my brain.  While I'm at work, it flows as if I'm on autopilot (thank God!).  Out of work I feel like a blubbering idiot!  I can't put two intelligent sentences together or get my thoughts out properly without sounding like an imbecile!

I've made an ass of myself in situations where I definitely did not want to, and I've beat myself up about it for days.  Now it just kinda annoys me because people don't know what I'm going through, what I'm trying to hide and how upset I get with myself when I can't present myself as I want to.

NO I don't want to be treated like a "sick person" and NO I don't look sick, which is both the beauty and the beast of Lupus.  People expect normal, you want to provide normal & you can only do as much as you can do.  So, no ya jackwad, I don't want to climb more stairs - I hurt!  Yeah, I know that was kinda strong, but that's how I feel.

See: Spoon Theory 

Oh, and I'm also forgetting - a lot.  More than a lot, actually.  It's more like all the time.  I'm run down and in bed by 8:30, maybe.  I've got headaches, body aches, random lock jaw & just whatever.  I know it's partially because I was rampantly misbehaved on my Chi-town trip, but I started my decline before I even left.

I'm not feeling fabulous about myself at the moment.  People outside of the "Lupie" realm have no  clue the embarrassment that goes along with the daily struggles.

Stay tuned for temper tantrum...because I am pissing and moaning and angry that I can't do the things I used to do - and I try.  I mentally psych myself up for things, plunge in head first & then find my self bobbling for air.  This sucks!

I try to act "normal" whatever that even is. I can't even hang with a good conversation anymore.  I have an intelligent thought - something to say, I start it & then it's gone.  Instead something ridiculous flows from my mouth.  Ugh!  I used to be able to have witty come backs, intelligent things to say - but my brain has clearly saved up all the good stuff for between working hours only.  I guess it could be worse.

Ever feel that way?  Even if you're not a "Lupie", I'm sure at one time you've hit a wall and said ya know what - enough ... I'm done with this crap, I've carried it around entirely too long - here ya go.  I'm done, it's yours now.  Done!

Ok, so I hit the doc again next week.
Oh what fresh hell will he have in store for me this time...  I don't know what's ahead.  I'm definitely not ready to pack it in.  I know that God's not done with me yet.  Especially since I've got some making up to do for bad behavior.   :)

So what...  What's next??  I have no clue.  I sure do appreciate you letting me rant on like a maniac.

Thanks for reading my angry little blog!  I promise to be nicer tomorrow :)

~Jenn