It's funny. I started writing this sometime last year and it's been sitting in my "drafts" file waiting to be completed (along with about 45 other pending blog posts).
I browsed it over and I started laughing - because it's so true about where I am in my life right now.
Finally after years of trying to keep everyone happy, I've finally reached the "I don't give a crap" phase in my life.
I can hear that song blaring in my head... "I don't care... I LOVE IT." (Are you listening with a British accent?)
I'm not quite sure when it happened, it sort of just snuck up on me.
One moment I was all about self redemption and trying to save face - caring all about what people though - the next minute, meh - *#%% 'em! I've done all I can to keep things good, it is what it is.
No, really people, this is a big deal for me!
I've always been the person who just wants everyone to be happy and sing Kumbaya and to LIKE ME. I didn't want to make people feel uncomfortable or be mad at me. I just wanted complete serenity. I let people walk all over me and did all I could, in my very over the top way to keep everyone happy, whatever. Like it or not - real or not.
True - I've always been pretty blunt in my little life. If I think it, I speak it. I sometimes have a tendency to ask questions or say something that may be deemed inappropriate, without thinking. Then I feel stupid for doing so.
The old me would overly apologize 75 different ways.... Now it's more "hey, how did you enjoy the show?"
I'm working on it. I am who I am. I'm not someone who seeks to harm. I just want to have fun. I know I act dumb sometimes. OK....
If I embarrass anyone, it's usually myself. As far as I can tell, that would be my problem, no one else's...
Same goes with others. If they want to be foolish and act dumb - I don't care. I don't need to care. I don't want to care. None of my business.
Where the heck was this I don't give a crap gene 20 years ago... I really could have used it!
Could it be that life has jaded me further?? That life's crap has finally piled up so high that I really just don't care anymore? Partially true.
Hard to know for sure.
I'd rather just wash my hands of it all and stay the hell away. I can't be bothered. I have my own silliness I don't need anyone else's. I'm too old for this crap!
In truth - I love my family, I love my friends & I still want everyone to be happy. That's a given...
I know when a true apology is necessary and when I've actually done something that I NEED to be sorry for. Silly stuff? Get over it. Be an adult. If I have a problem with you, I'll tell ya - I expect the same.
Aside from that...I will always be my happy, friendly little self and I will always be me.
Just sometimes - ya know - when I'm making an ass of myself - or maybe you... the show will just go on, without apology.
'cuz my real friends know who I am. They know I'm not out to hurt anyone. I'm just here for the good time an then I'm moving along....
My give a damn's busted. And ya know what??? I'm OK with that now.
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