That's exactly where I am right now.
Life's been so full of ups and downs. Typical.
My life has definitely contained a consistent stream of change and decisions. Especially lately. Closing doors & having great things land in my lap. Other things, not as much.
Change - good or bad brings DECISIONS...
Have I mentioned that I am not the best little decision maker? I like things to be very cut and dry. I like to be able to see the illuminated path and say, OK - there it is. Gimme the menu, a la "My Cousin Vinnie" Breakfast or Lunch? Don't give me the 12 page menu full of wonder and delight - give me this or that. If I can't figure it out, I look for the sign.
I believe in signs. I often pray (beg) for signs. Not just signs, slap me upside the head signs. Something to light my way. The AH HA! If I don't see the sign, I reach out to those who know me well. Or, shall I say know me better than I know me in many cases. Sometimes their perspective is so much clearer.
Lately, my "signs" have been screwing with me. Sometimes they're so straight forward that they slap me hard in my face and I say YES - that's it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
OK - so now what? I am genuinely...confused. Is the "not just yet" a part of the plan? OK.. so what then?
For sure, I'd noticed over the past year that things in my life weren't flowing the way I'd like them to. I'd been dragged into a situation I didn't want to be in. No matter how hard I tried to stay out of it, this person kept dragging me in. I inevitably stayed, out of loyalty to a very good friend. I'll never regret that decision.
Loyalty, believe it or not, became my downfall.
Not because of the person I've been loyal to, but the idea of my loyalty to my friend made the other person who kept dragging me in spit nails. Hence, dragging me onto the chopping block.
Mostly, I don't care.
I'm secure in myself. I had this person's number from day one. I can handle the things that are said about or done to me. I don't care what other people have to say.
Sadly, this person decided to use my child against me to try to hurt me. That I have a problem with.
There is never any reason to hurt someone's child - to get even with a parent. It's inexcusable and shows the true character of the offender.
All I care about is protecting my child.
This person had already acted on the "best defense is a good offense" approach against me, lying and formulating "proof" of how they were abused. They further laid out a tract that made me look like the harasser. Again, I don't care about what people say. All that kind of nonsense shows is desperation to be "right" and have people believe them. I'm totally secure in myself. I know what's real and I know who I am. I'm not going to scramble for made up proof to try to manipulate others. I'm fully confident that those who are my true friends know what's real. That's enough for me. Sadly, the others involved in a specific incident took the nonsense as the word, and let my child down. What a disappointment when you try to take the proper routes to protect your child.
I won't go too far into any of this because if I do, I'm no better than the abuser.
I turned to God and prayed for an answer.
Although I didn't like the answer at first - I realized that God was weeding my garden. Suddenly the things that didn't seem right were more obvious to me. I saw the things that I needed to remove from my life more clearly. I realized that many of the "fun" things I'd been involved with, were messing with other areas of my life. Dragging me down to a place I don't want to be and making me someone I didn't want to be.
My daughter will always be OK. In many ways, she's so much wiser than me. She sees things as they are and makes her own decisions. She is an amazing young girl, who knows I will always love and protect her. Some situations were a piece of cake to replace - other's not as much. We'll see how it goes and I'll continue to let her make her own decisions to see how she feels.
Again... for myself, I truly don't care.
I have real, true friends who know and love me. Those people who know me - REALLY know me. If other people want to continue to roll in the gossip and negativity, have fun. I know who I am and where I belong. I choose to walk away!
So while in some instances, I feel that the universe is screwing with me. I believe that problems force you to focus on God. The situations before me were placed there as signs - like it or not.
And THAT is what's important to me.
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|Take your paranoia and move on|