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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Well hello there, inner demons.... I've been wondering where you've been hiding...

Last year I made a decision that I was no longer going to let the inner demons that usually drag me down this time of the year get to me again.  I've chosen to embrace the memories & release the pain that generally comes about by the anniversaries of terribly sad deaths.

I'm still holding to that decision, but knowing the dates are coming near -  I began to think of all the time I'd wasted being so terribly sad or trying to run away from those painful memories.  The times I'd pretended certain issues didn't exist.

There's some truth in the statement that if you forget your past,
you're doomed to repeat it.


You can run as far and as fast as you can from the past....
it will always catch you.
The truth is that there will ALWAYS be someone around who remembers things; the stuff you don't want to think about, the things you've buried.  Somewhere, sometime, someone will bring something up.  There's no hiding - it's there in your face.  You can no longer pretend it doesn't exist.

I've done quite a lot of that in my life.  The hiding, that is...  Keeping secret the things I never wanted anyone to know about.  Things I buried because I didn't want to deal with them.

Granted, some of the crap in my life was beyond my control.  I can't help the things others have done.  I can no longer control the way I'd acted in the past.  I can only control NOW.


I had a lesson on what happens when you don't deal with the past & how you're inevitably doomed to repeat it.  At one time, a long buried secret tore me apart inside.  It was something that I was deeply ashamed of, for no good reason and something that caused me to snap during a time when things were already ... interesting in my life.  An old "issue" came to light and brought psycho Jenn out from her deep slumber.  I'm not proud, but it is what it is.  It caused me to address the situation for what it was.  It also gave me an opportunity to finally take a good look at things for what they really were and realize... I didn't want any of that!  I was finally free!!
I finally got rid of those demons!  Finally!

Sometimes you need to step back.  Embrace the crap that you hate and just say, "hey, this may suck, but it's a part of who I am."

 


Nothing is perfect in life.  Nothing.

We all have scars and the things that we hide from or wish would disappear.

In embracing my demons, I've found a new peace.
Admittedly, I do still shut down & go to my dark place once in a while.
Dealing with it is easier since I've accepted that these things happened, none of these things define who I am.

I can't change who I was, what I'd done or what was done to me - but I can learn the lessons and forge ahead knowing that I'm really happy with who I've become.  Scars and all.

 ...and when push comes to shove - that's all that matters.

Thank you for reading my blog!!

~Jenn

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