Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sometimes you're a spectator... You hold the emotion in.
Sometimes you don't get to be the person who cries.
Sometimes you're the one who is called to be stoic in the face of overwhelming emotion because someone else is the one who gets to break down.
Sometimes, you're a spectator and you do what needs to be done. You remain calm and hold it all inside, for the sake of someone else.
Sometimes that's the most important thing.
Last night I drove up our street into our development to see several flashing lights in the driveway next door to my house.
My first instinct was - get there.
We love our neighbors. We have a small, close knit, "hidden" neighborhood. Everyone is friendly. In many cases, including mine - everyone is related in some way. If not genetically or by marriage they just feel like family because everyone looks out for each other. Some of the neighbors have been here since the inception of our development in 1964.
I brought the short one inside with my daughter & confirmed my husband was already next door.
When I got to the house, I was motioned inside by my neighbor only to see my husband, along with the EMT's administering CPR to her husband.
She watched on - shaking and scared.
All I could think to do was sit her down and sheild her view from what could only be thought of as her own personal horror show - less than 20 feet away.
I'd never seen this before. Not up close. Not someone we knew and never my husband in the role of worker along side the paramedics and EMT's. It's hard to remain calm, to hold it in. I knew by my husband's face that it was already too late. His wife knew too - she uttered the words over and over again "I know he's gone, I can feel it." But it was not my time to cry. So I didn't.
I'm not a big crier. I mean, I cry. I'm human, but with the exception of a few isolated emotionally charged incidents and real reasons to cry - I'm not a crier. I wanted to cry.
I was able to remain calm, to hold it in & work to bring calm to my neighbor. To convince her that she couldn't ride in the ambulance with the EMT's. To talk to her daughter calmly to let her know where she should go & drive my neighbor to the hospital.
My husband went with the girls & thankfully our other neighbor drove with me to take our neighbor the hospital. His calm demeanor was so welcome and comforting. I was grateful he was there.
Driving down, we already knew.
Sometimes you don't get to be the one who cries. Sometimes in the face of pure emotion, you hold up for someone else who needs to be the one to break down; The wife, the daughter, the family.
When I pulled back into my driveway, my husband was waiting at the front door.
He already knew.
It was at that time that I threw my arms around his neck and wept.
We will miss our friend, our neighbor and wish his family peace, love and comfort.
Thank you for reading my blog.