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Thursday, May 9, 2013

How do you do Mother's Day when your mom isn't a "mom"?

I woke up this morning with my heart beating out of my chest in a cold sweat....

Not your typical hot flash nonsense, nightmares.

Nightmares of what you may ask?  Mother's Day.

Yes, really - Mother's Day.


I'm a mom.  I love my kids to infinity.  I love other people's kids to infinity. It is my desire to love and protect children and let them be happy kids.
I am a mom.

My mother was not this mom.

Is the the stuff nightmares are made of?
Meh, I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I actually DON'T want to use this as a forum to smash her to bits.  I genuinely believe that she didn't know what the heck to do once I came to the planet and when push comes to shove, she is...my mother and if she needed me, I'd be there without question.  That's who I am.

Yet here I sit this morning, with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes from a nightmare of her, and it's not the first.

Mother's Day is in just a few days.  Normally, I'd be prepared with gifts and cards and joy to spread.  If my heart was in it.  I've made half-assed attempts at acknowledgement before.  Ya know, out of the "it's the right thing to do" part of my brain.

How do you do Mother's Day when your mom isn't a mom?  What should the card say?

"Yo, thanks for getting me to the planet.  I'm good."  or "Sorry about the stretch marks.  I can take it from here."  I know the flowery mushy stuff isn't real.  I can't be inauthentic.

A little strong, I know...

I know I'm not the only one on the planet to have "mommy issues."
My high school friend, Allyson, posted something along these lines on her Facebook page.  I read it intently, because like me, she also has....mommy issues.  She is also a great mom - being all and better for her kids.

So tell me....  What should the card say?
When you're a woman, a mom, a little girl who longs to give a card with heart felt meaning...What should the card say?

How do you ignore those feelings on Mother's Day, when the puzzle pieces were never put into place; when you look into the eyes of your own children with burning love and see the love looking back - knowing all the love you possess for them.

Wishing in your soul that the mommy love eyes you give your children would some day look upon you in that way.

...Even if you're all grown up.

Thank you for reading my blog!

3 comments:

  1. There is a good chance that your mom suffered a similar mom. Good for you to break the chain of mom insanity. It is particularly hard on "Little Girls." She might have done something right to help break the cycle.

    Maybe just a note acknowledging how hard it was for her to mother (possibly as she had no role model) Thank her for trying, and a final note about the stretch marks and ....What the heck; that is funny as hell!

    Oh, Happy Mother's day to you.

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  2. I also have "mommy issues" and even though i have a ok relationship with her now, i still can't spend mothers day with her. Instead i will call her and tell her i love her and how much she means to my boys.

    Instead of spending the day with her i will be spending it with my dad, the real person who taught me to be a strong confident women and a great mom.

    It takes a really strong person to break the cycle, I hope you have wonderful mothers day Jenn!

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  3. Awwww... Jenn, no child should have to go through life without the love of their parents. You are such a sweet and beautiful person--I don't know what happened but your mother missed out on a chance to have the most amazing relationship with an incredible woman. I love you so much and wish I was there right now to give you the biggest hug and tell you I think you are one of THE BEST mothers out there! XO

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