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Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Fart Fairy Cometh... Or not...


When I was growing up, I was essentially raised by two dads.

No, not in that way.  Things weren't as progressive back then as they are now.  I'm talking about my dad and my step dad.  Two separate dads, two separate households, two separate forms of brain washing.  Each of them had their own unique brand of "teaching" their young daughter, me, the ways of life.

Between my dad with the "I'll always KNOW if you've done anything wrong." and my step dad drilling into my head "girls don't fart, girls don't burp and girls never stink up the bathroom."  I was a confused mess!  Holy CRAP, no pun intended...  OK - let's leave the pun there because it's just silly.

I had all these rules and unrealistic fears put into my head that I didn't know what to do with.

Fast forward 20 years....
Enter single mom, Jenn.  I've stated numerous times - I did not date a lot.  I had a few boyfriends - all long term and then a few "mini relationships" in between.  This was a direct result of my dads' tag team warning "they only want to get into your pants".


I did not have a positive marriage or divorce.  I was freaked out by it all and was not really interested in scared to death to date around.  I just wanted to raise my son and do my thing.  I was resigned to remain single.

Then I met my hubby.

I didn't really like to let anyone around my son.  He was my child.  I didn't want him getting attached to anyone and I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I always had my dad (step) run interference whenever I went out.  He kept people at the door while I did my thing.  Sort of like when I was a teenager.

And then.... there was my husband, who somehow managed to get past the old man - with a gift for my son.

As he began to come around more often, "Poppie" began to just let him in.  Sometimes he'd come around while my boy was there & they'd watch a video or something until I was ready to go.  Eventually he'd just come over while my son was home.  We'd all hang out and watch a movie or something.  It became - comfortable.

Back to the fart fairy....
My household consisted of me & my young male child.  The notion of being a prudish, prim & proper mommy was out the window.  I was the mommy to a very rambunctious little boy.  We were buddies and there were farts.


Now, there was this other person frequenting our home.  One that loved to play the fart game with my son.  One I could not be all "little boy" around or play the pull my finger game.  I had to be a proper lady, because I was told my whole life - GIRLS DO NOT FART.

The new game became "hold it until you explode."

Well hubby was over on a night that I'd made a dinner with lots of garlic.  Not only was my breath kickin' but I could feel that familiar rumble in my tummy.  Oh no, here it comes....

The words "Girls do NOT fart." continually echoed through my brain.  I began to panic.  How the hell do I hide this one?  He & my son were letting 'er rip and having a grand old time with it while I was dying from the gaseous build up.

We sat there, watching the movie & I'd excuse myself to the lower level of my home for some relief all the while thinking...Where the hell is the damn dog?

If you have, had or have ever been around a little dog - those little creatures can clear a room with one of their little air bombs.  Thank you, oh little dog....for so many farts were blamed on you.

But not this one....

This time I couldn't escape.  I couldn't make a break for it and run to my bedroom fortress.  It escaped without warning.  The fart from hell.  A fart that could clear not only the room, but potentially a small town.  It hung in the air like a deadly mist.  There was no where to run, no where to hide.  It was awful.

Holy CRAP.  Where the hell is the dog??  No dog...  Who to blame, who to blame???

And then here it comes....

"MOMMMMM,  That's a GROSS one!"

My jaw dropped to the floor.  Horrified.  What to say, what to do??  Quick... think!  Diffuse the situation...

Me:  No no, it wasn't me.  I don't have farts.  I have a fart fairy.  She comes to take my farts away every night while I sleep.

My son:  Mom, you DO NOT have a fart fairy.  You fart ALL THE TIME.

I'm clearly freaked now.  Hubby, who I've only just officially started dating, is now thoroughly amused and taking in my horror and denial.  My son continues his adamant assault on me and the fart from hell.

Me:  What do you mean I fart all the time?  I don't fart all the time.

My son:  Well you fart.

Me:  No, sweetie.... I have a fart fairy.  Some times she just misses a night.

My son:  She misses A  L O T !

On that, my husband broke out into uncontrollable laughter.

All the brain washing of "Girls Do NOT Fart" didn't matter.  There was no more denying it.  I do not have a fart fairy.  She never comes to take my farts away while I sleep and the dumb dog is clearly absent and blameless.

Damn dog!

Damn Fart Fairy!

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I suppose.

Thank you to those who hung around for this silliness....

Have a fantastic and gas free day!

~Jenn

PS.  Just in case you're wondering - this incident did not open the door for a free for all fart fest.... I still live by the hold it until you explode brain washing...  :)

15 comments:

  1. I give you credit for being a lady. When I was little, my dad was around more during the times I wasn't in school, and I had a younger brother and an older brother closest in age, so you guessed it....lots of cars, hot wheels, and gas.

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  2. This is hilarious!!! My oldest daughter still to this day says that moms are not supposed to fart--yet she has no problem with pooping. Go figure!

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  3. I tried to send a comment earlier but I think I accidentally deleted it! ANYWAY....this post is hilarious! My oldest daughter still to this day says that moms are not supposed to fart--yet she has no problem with moms pooping. Go figure....

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  4. Gah, I am so with you! I would hold it until I burst IF I COULD! But thank you to the first born who torn me end to end, I have no more control over holding it. Those rotten bastards burst out whenever they want! I just have to attempt to cough to cover it, or run for cover when I feel it building.

    and I have all girls. and no dog.

    sigh.

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  5. That is so funny.. "The Fart Fairy." We hold nothing back in my house.. Loved this post. Thanks for the smile this morning. :)
    -Ellen

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  6. Women are allowed 5 public farts in their lifetime. You are down to at least 4!!

    Still laughing!

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  7. Okay, you've inspired me. I'm gonna start farting in front of my husband all of the time now. We've been married thirteen years, he's seen me in Spanx (not my choice)so all vestiges of privacy are kaput anyhow.

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  8. LOL. You're hilarious. "Fart Fairy!" Ha!

    I grew up in a house where my mom farted whenever she had to. My boyfriend has to deal with my farting and burping constantly (I've got a screwed up system). And he still loves me.

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  9. I had tears in my eyes reading this... from laughing so hard... and remembering when my hubby and I had just begun dating... and HE farted for the first time in front of me and prefaced it with something like 'I think we're at a point in our relationship when...'.
    After 10 years with him... I am convinced he is the most flatulent man on earth and honestly I don't know how he held it that long LMAO...
    Thanks Jenn for making me laugh today. I needed that!
    p.s. It's okay to fart ;) Totally natural lol

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  10. LOL very funny because I can relate. I have 3 sons and they were farting all the time, even in the kitchen. I took them to see my counselor and of course they all thought it was the funniest thing ever. They still talk about that to this day. I remarried a man who told me farts are natural - so while I do try and hold them in best that I can, I don't feel the SHAME I once felt. It's "relieving".

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  11. I have never actually been a "lady" of any sort. I grew up with 3 older brothers. My father was just as bad as them. Oddly though I have never heard my mother fart, EVER! None-the-less, I tried to hold my farts in around my fiance when we first met. He used to go above and beyond to not fart around me. He would even wait until I was on the other side of the house to do his #2 in the bathroom. This was all fine and dandy until one day I had a terrible pain in my stomach and as I got up to use the bathroom, the loudest, longest and smelliest fart I ever had came out. Right next to Kris. I laughed nervously and ran out the room. Ever since it's a daily fart fest at my house. Even my daughter laughs at her farts as Kris encourages her to sit on my lap first.

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  12. haha! i love your son - Mom!! that was a gross one!! soo funny. so busted. the moral, you got to be comfortable enough to laugh and really not give a shit. haha.. punny. :)

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  13. I live in a testosterone house (hubby, two boys, two small male dogs) and it's a fart fest around here. I've never held back. Maybe because I met my husband when we started a band together and I was just used to being "one of the guys". I guess I never stopped. Our drummer once told us that after several years of marriage, he'd never once heard his wife fart. I couldn't imagine it. We're over here having competitions. But yeah, you better believe we blame it on the dogs when company's here and the unsniffable happens.

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  14. OMG I was told that girls are not supposed to fart for years totally brainwashed. When I first met my hubman i never farted in his presence now I am too old to give a shit and I fart away. If farting bugs him I feel bad for him when I hit full on menopause.

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  15. My wife would not allow us to use the word "Fart" in our house until I illustrated, "The Fart Fairy" written by Mrs. Bobbie Hinman. Like you she blames life's little mysteries on fairies. Why not, who better to blame? My daughter has certainly never feared the Fart Fairy. That's the funniest fairy of them all! Loved your post.

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