When I was growing up, I was essentially raised by two dads.
No, not in that way. Things weren't as progressive back then as they are now. I'm talking about my dad and my step dad. Two separate dads, two separate households, two separate forms of brain washing. Each of them had their own unique brand of "teaching" their young daughter, me, the ways of life.
Between my dad with the "I'll always KNOW if you've done anything wrong." and my step dad drilling into my head "girls don't fart, girls don't burp and girls never stink up the bathroom." I was a confused mess! Holy CRAP, no pun intended... OK - let's leave the pun there because it's just silly.
I had all these rules and unrealistic fears put into my head that I didn't know what to do with.
Fast forward 20 years....
I did not have a positive marriage or divorce. I was freaked out by it all and was
Then I met my hubby.
I didn't really like to let anyone around my son. He was my child. I didn't want him getting attached to anyone and I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I always had my dad (step) run interference whenever I went out. He kept people at the door while I did my thing. Sort of like when I was a teenager.
And then.... there was my husband, who somehow managed to get past the old man - with a gift for my son.
As he began to come around more often, "Poppie" began to just let him in. Sometimes he'd come around while my boy was there & they'd watch a video or something until I was ready to go. Eventually he'd just come over while my son was home. We'd all hang out and watch a movie or something. It became - comfortable.
Back to the fart fairy....
My household consisted of me & my young male child. The notion of being a prudish, prim & proper mommy was out the window. I was the mommy to a very rambunctious little boy. We were buddies and there were farts.
The new game became "hold it until you explode."
Well hubby was over on a night that I'd made a dinner with lots of garlic. Not only was my breath kickin' but I could feel that familiar rumble in my tummy. Oh no, here it comes....
The words "Girls do NOT fart." continually echoed through my brain. I began to panic. How the hell do I hide this one? He & my son were letting 'er rip and having a grand old time with it while I was dying from the gaseous build up.
We sat there, watching the movie & I'd excuse myself to the lower level of my home for some relief all the while thinking...Where the hell is the damn dog?
If you have, had or have ever been around a little dog - those little creatures can clear a room with one of their little air bombs. Thank you, oh little dog....for so many farts were blamed on you.
But not this one....
This time I couldn't escape. I couldn't make a break for it and run to my bedroom fortress. It escaped without warning. The fart from hell. A fart that could clear not only the room, but potentially a small town. It hung in the air like a deadly mist. There was no where to run, no where to hide. It was awful.
Holy CRAP. Where the hell is the dog?? No dog... Who to blame, who to blame???
And then here it comes....
My jaw dropped to the floor. Horrified. What to say, what to do?? Quick... think! Diffuse the situation...
Me: No no, it wasn't me. I don't have farts. I have a fart fairy. She comes to take my farts away every night while I sleep.
My son: Mom, you DO NOT have a fart fairy. You fart ALL THE TIME.
I'm clearly freaked now. Hubby, who I've only just officially started dating, is now thoroughly amused and taking in my horror and denial. My son continues his adamant assault on me and the fart from hell.
Me: What do you mean I fart all the time? I don't fart all the time.
My son: Well you fart.
Me: No, sweetie.... I have a fart fairy. Some times she just misses a night.
My son: She misses A L O T !
On that, my husband broke out into uncontrollable laughter.
All the brain washing of "Girls Do NOT Fart" didn't matter. There was no more denying it. I do not have a fart fairy. She never comes to take my farts away while I sleep and the dumb dog is clearly absent and blameless.
Damn Fart Fairy!
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I suppose.
Thank you to those who hung around for this silliness....
Have a fantastic and gas free day!
PS. Just in case you're wondering - this incident did not open the door for a free for all fart fest.... I still live by the hold it until you explode brain washing... :)