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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Re-evaluating! (again)

Well, my little teeter totter of life has officially tipped, throwing my balance off to rapidly roll down to the next big 0 of my life....

I mentioned before that I would do so kicking and screaming - I have not disappointed.

I was treated incredibly well on my birthday.  My family wished me gentle happy birthdays in the morning, as did all of my amazing friends.  Facebook was equally kind lending a forum to all of my friends, past & present.  I'll have to admit, that did brighten my day AND make me forget the number for a little while.
Hubby & the kids took me to the Outback (at my request for the kid friendly thing) and made them sing to me (eek) - I got all of my requests - new GPS (yayy), a Nook (yayy again) and what is my favorite gift (no judgement) and electronic bug swatter!!!  I am a happy, happy woman.

So now, the re-evaluation begins.

I can be a little, eh hem, over the top.  It's just who I am.  Over and over, I'm puzzled when I push too far and then can't fix it.  So now - I'm upset because I can't fix something that matters to me because my goofing around went too far.  I believe I mentioned this in a prior post how I seem to get myself in trouble & no matter how hard I try to make it better or back pedal it seems to get worse.  Now I wonder, is it worth it?

I know that I constantly receive little God buzzes about what and what not to do.  Part of me says forget it, the people in my life who are important get me & let it roll off their backs.  Perhaps these people aren't important, but EVERYONE is important, and those God buzz tells me that everyone has something going on - don't give up on them.  That's the part of me, along with the guilt of not trying harder with Eric, that makes me keep going.  Am I making it worse?

Emotionally, I'm probably a 5-year-old -  I just want everyone to be happy, hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
You could hurt my feelings, ignore me & kick me while I'm down - but like the puppy that the mean 'ol master just kicked - I'll come running back to lick your face because I love, genuinely & truly.  I just want forgiveness, acceptance & to move on.

The rest of the world isn't always that way & they're always looking for the hidden motive.

So what exactly am I re-evaluating?  I don't know - because no matter how old I get - no matter how hard I try - I step on it.  I feel bad, try to fix it and then I feel awful when I can't.  I could re-evaluate how I handle things - but this is who I am.  I could re-evaluate my friends - but if they're my friends, there's a reason for it...  So it is what it is.

Emotions will always get in the way, in every single portion of your life.

Personally, I know what I've got - I'm a happy, happy woman.  I've got all I've ever wanted and more.  I've caught my "brass ring" and I'm so in love with it that I'll never let it go!  I don't know how to get it for anyone else.

On your re-evaluation of life, I hope that you see your own personal "brass ring" reach out for it & hold it tight.  Everyone has one especially for them - I know yours is there!

Thank you for reading my blog!

~Jenn

We let emotions confuse us, and that often leads us to make decisions we later regret. -Joyce, “Living Beyond Your Feelings”

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